Crazy for Crust

Let’s talk about anxiety.

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Hi friends! Nope, no food today. Today I want to talk about something else; I want to talk about living with anxiety.

(Why talk about such a serious topic on a food blog? Well, I figure I’ve talked to you about infertility and eating disorders, I may as well go all the way! Plus, if my story can help one person out there, well then, I’ve done my good deed. Also, I’m totally into oversharing, which is part of the reason why you come here in the first place, right?)

soon things will be brighter

Over the past year, I’ve realized I suffer from anxiety. I’m going to go so far as to say I’m pretty sure it’s of the chronic variety. I didn’t really know what it was at the time, but ever since last fall I’ve been reflecting greatly on my life and my mental health, and I realize that I’ve probably been suffering from it for at least 20 years. Sometimes it’s manageable, sometimes it’s not. On those times it’s not, I just shrugged it off and thought it was just me. I’m just an anxious person, I’m a worrier, and I really, really hate germs and bugs, and things I can’t control.

Looking back, my first really full blown anxiety attack happened about 9 years ago. We had an ant infestation and I was in full panic mode. I called my husband (he was in a meeting) and he had to leave and come home because I he couldn’t understand what I was saying, I was so hysterical. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus for weeks. I felt like ants were all over me, all the time. But when that happened, I didn’t think of it in terms of anxiety, I thought about it as “I hate ants”. The ants went away, my anxiety subsided. No problem, right?

Over the following years, I was just me, living with anxiety but not knowing it. Little things would throw me off, like a roof leak, Jordan having to stay home sick, freaking out if I missed the gym or whenever Mel had a last minute business trip. These are things that would upset anyone when they happen, sure, but for me it was different. An outsider looking into my brain and see me reacting to these problems would think I was overreacting greatly. And I was, and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it. I just thought I was an irrational person; I didn’t connect my feelings (and the subsequent depressive ups and downs) with a problem.

The first time I realized there might be something to my anxiety issues was a few years later when we had lice. My husband had to call the nit picker lady back to our house weeks after it was over because I’d been regularly rocking back and forth on the living room floor ripping my hair out and scratching my head convinced they were still there. Eventually, that subsided too, although I still occasionally spray tea tree oil on Jordan’s backpack and slip it in her shampoo, and if you sit 4 feet away from me and have a piece of dandruff in your hair I can see it. Again, it went away, and I went back to my old self, the person who couldn’t handle doing homework with Jordan or going out with friends socially because they might realize how irrational I was behaving.

Last fall my anxiety came back with a vengeance. All of a sudden I could no longer function. It was worse than any other time, the attacks came more frequent and the depressive episodes lasted longer. I couldn’t work, couldn’t exercise, had no will to socialize or do anything but lay on the couch all day. But I still didn’t think my anxiety was that bad. I mean, on movies and TV the person suffering an anxiety attack feels like they’re dying. They feel like the walls are closing in; like they’re having a heart attack. The heart races, they sweat. That’s what an anxiety attack is, right? That wasn’t happening to me. Just like with my eating issues, I couldn’t even do anxiety attacks “right”.

Guess what? That heart-gripping sweating anxiety attack that they show in movies and write about in novels? That’s not the only kind of anxiety attack. Anxiety can manifest itself in many ways, and I’m an example of that.

One of my attacks starts out with a mood, like I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I go through my day with a dark cloud over my head. I can’t be a part of my family, I can’t function properly. I liken it to when you’ve had too much to drink and you know you’re not right, but it doesn’t matter because you’re drunk and can’t stop being drunk until it’s run it’s course. A few hours later or sometimes the next day, I’m okay.

The other kind of anxiety attack I have is more traditional. Something triggers it – Jordan being sick, a bug bite, anything out of the norm that changes my day – and all of a sudden I have tunnel vision. Everything around the edges goes snowy and gray and I can’t focus on anything but the trigger. I often become manic, checking myself for lice or bug bites or cleaning or whatever the action is to the reaction of my trigger. Then it ends and I literally cannot do anything the rest of the day; all I want to do is sleep.

I thought I was just suffering from anxiety attacks, that one day, over time, it would go away, just like it had in the past. My exercise regimen would eventually put it back in check, or we’d go on a family vacation that would reset my mood. This time, no matter what I did, it wasn’t going away. And then I had a conversation that, quite literally, changed my life.

I was talking with a friend who told me she’d just started taking anxiety medication. She said she didn’t even realize she had anxiety, but had gone to the doctor and described how she had no patience with her family or life and she was unhappy a lot and angry a lot and yelled all the time. After more conversations with her doctor, they told her she was suffering from anxiety and had been for quite awhile.

In that moment it was as if a lightening bolt struck me. That was me.

Yelling all the time, no patience. Unhappy, angry, depressed. Periods of being okay, then periods of NOT being okay. That described my life.

When Jordan was born, I had really bad post-pardum issues. Looking back, I really should have talked to a doctor about it, but I never did. I went on to stay home (when I’m so not a stay at home type person). Yelling became my way of communicating. Jordan didn’t hear me unless I yelled at her. As she got older, we would fight. I would lose it with her more than I like to admit. If she had friends over, I’d lose it. I had zero patience. A lot of time, the same went for my husband.  For almost 11 years, I just figured I was one of those parents who was just a yeller.

I realized I’ve been suffering from anxiety the entire time Jordan’s been alive. And longer, when I look at signs in my life from high school up until her birth. It was shocking, really, to realize this. Even though I didn’t have “traditional” panic attacks, I still suffered from anxiety. Occasionally it was in check, I could handle it. Then it would flare up and affect my well-being. I’d get depressed, sometimes badly. But then something would turn it around. Exercise was what helped me out of my post-pardum, and from there it became my anti-depressent. I’d jokingly say exercise was my “little pill” because without it, my mental health suffered. But as long as exercise worked, most of the time, I could keep my anxiety in check (remember, I didn’t realize what it was), except at home when I tried to help Jordan with her homework or parent in general.

Last fall, the anxiety came and stuck around. My life was being affected: I didn’t want to workout, work, travel, or socialize. I was depressed. But I still didn’t know what to do about it. Talk to a doctor? A therapist? Medication? I didn’t want to do any of those things. I wasn’t ready yet.

Two things happened this past January that finally pushed me to getting help. First, Jordan forgot her violin on band day. Such a simple thing, right? So what, right? Wrong. I remembered in the middle of my half-assed workout (at this point I was barely working out, I had no drive or energy to even do that) and I burst into tears. On the stair master. In front of the entire gym. I was so hysterical because she forgot her violin I had to leave and go home.

Then, a week later, we got a minor roof leak. Remember, control issues are one of my triggers. We had a roof leak several years ago that was a huge ordeal. This one was minor (it was fixed the next day) but it drove me into an attack that lasted an entire day. At one point I remember thinking, what’s the point of living life if this is how it feels?

Now, those thoughts are not new for me. They’re not good thoughts, but I’ve thought that way off and on (passive, as my therapist calls it) since I was 15 years old. But I’m 38 now and I’m totally over feeling that way. I was tired of always feeling the anxiety right there, just below the surface.

The next week I found my counselor. She diagnosed me with anxiety and depression caused by anxiety. She wasn’t too into me taking medication, but when she did my depression survey and I told her about my history, she suggested I talk to my doctor. A week later I started taking anxiety medication.

The first few days on the medication was rough but literally I felt better on day 1. After a week I felt like me again (the side affects went away) but I felt like me…without anxiety. It was a weird feeling.

My counselor described anxiety to me in a way that was really easy to understand, and it helps put it into perspective for those who don’t suffer from it:

People who don’t suffer from regular anxiety live on the ground floor of a building. They go about their lives, grounded. Something happens to cause stress or anxiety, and their mood jumps to the top floor. They deal with the source of the problem, then move back to the lobby.

People who live with anxiety on a regular basis live on the roof of the building. They’re always up there, up high, waiting. When something happens to cause stress or more anxiety (even something small, like their daughter forgetting a violin) there is no where to go but off the roof.

From day one on my medication, I stopped yelling. I have not lost patience or yelled at Jordan (unless she deserved it) once since I started treatment – even when we’re doing homework. I made it through a slumber party and I didn’t snap once. She’s taken to seeing how far she can push me until I yell at her for real (seriously, #thatgirl).

My husband has told me several times now how much happier I seem. His words: they no longer have to walk on eggshells around me. He’s been having to do that for so many years and now he doesn’t. That part makes me sad for putting him through it, and part makes me happy I am finally fixing it. I took a trip without stress. I’ve been socializing with friends more. I signed up for a half marathon and have started having purpose to my workouts.

I’m happy again. I’m ME again, the me who I was in between anxiety episodes, except the anxiety of day to day life is just that: day to day life.

Do I want to stay on medication forever? No. But right now, this is the journey I’m on. We’ll see where it takes me. Right now, it’s given me a new lease on life, a new excitement about my work, and it’s allowing me to experience life like, well, a person on the ground floor.

Thank you for reading today, if you got this far. Know that all of you, being here, reading this blog with me, are some of the reason I’m happy today. And if you’re someone who is suffering from anxiety, I urge you to talk to someone. Find a friend, a relative, doctor, or therapist. Send me an email! You don’t have to live that way anymore, life is better from down here, believe me. 🙂

(If you are experiencing a medical emergency, are in danger, or are feeling suicidal, call 911 immediately. Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433. Immediate Medical Assistance: 911. Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863.)

 

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148 comments

  1. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty. You are very brave to put your feelings on display like this and I admire you for it. Although I do not suffer from anxiety (my sister does and is on medication) I do suffer from disordered eating – yes, a real thing. I went back and read your blog on eating disorders (thank you for that as well). I understand all about beating yourself up and trash talking about what a bad person you are. I do it every day. I’m glad you have a handle on things and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. I literally could not finish reading your article.  Being anxious and excessive worry does not classify under anxiety disorder.  You would be more considered O.C.D.  Diagnosed Bipolar I, PTSD, Anxiety/Panic Attacks.

  3. It takes a lot of courage to open up to people in general so I thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You are very brave.

  4. Sending you hugs of support!  The meds keep me on an even keel.

  5. You are a very brave and VERY STRONG woman for putting yourself out there like you just did. Hoping for a continued improvement in your life and your spirit. God bless you and help you in your struggle. Thank you, Dorothy! ❤️😊

  6. I don’t comment often, but love following your blog. Thank you for your honesty and bringing to light a struggle that isn’t easy to admit. Here’s to your best you yet in 2016!

  7. Very interested in your story!  I suffer from anxiety myself and am on medication.  I still  find myself not being in control of things and getting very moody.  What kind of medication were you prescribed?
    Maybe there is something better out there I can talk to my dr about.  I don’t feel as well as I’d like.  Thank you for listening and being brave enough to share your story

    • Thank you so much for reading and sharing your story Jodi! I’m in the early stages with my meds still, the true test will be when something bad happens (ha!) I’m on Lexapro. If you’re still having issues, I’d definitely talk to the doctor, they may be able to change the dose or do something else to help you!

  8. I have followed your blog for several years now. Thanks for sharing your story and being so personal. It’s hard to be real with people in this age of technology where everything on FB and social media is “perfect”, when in reality it’s not. Thanks for being real. You are an inspiration to me.

  9. I have enjoyed your blog for a year or so.  You have shown tremendous courage by shining a light on a problem too many try to ignore.  Nothing is “wrong” with you, just the way you are “wired”.  Happy for you and your family that you are doing well.  Keep up the great work!
    Blessings on you and your family.

  10. Thank you for writing this. It has put alot of perspective in my life. I am glad you are doing so much better.

    Take Care
    Toni

  11. Thanks for sharing your story. 🙂

  12. I’m so unbelievably proud of you.  Mainly for taking the steps you needed to take to be your happy amazing self, but also for writing this post.  You are such a fantastic human and we are all so lucky to have you in our lives.  I’m so happy for you!

  13. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable by sharing your story. I suffer from depression since my mini-stroke at the young age of 29. I went on meds to help, which it does..thank goodness. However, I felt guilty for several years about being on them. I felt I should be able to overcome being depressed. Thankfully, I have a wonderfully supportive family who encouraged me and helped me to realize that sometimes our body needs the meds. Glad you are feeling better and shared your story 🙂

    • The guilt – yes. I feel that way too, a lot. Like, my life is good, why am I depressed? But it’s just what’s hard wired! Thank you for sharing and reading Crystal, it means a lot to me! Sending you hugs.

  14. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
    I want to cry.
    What you described as your life has been my life (and so my husband’s and children’s).
    You have clearly let me see I need to get help – for me and as a result, my family. They deserve it (I know I do but they motivate me more).
    Ouch, and thanks.

  15. Thank you so much for sharing.  I, too, suffer from anxiety and depression.  I think the anxiety has been there for most of my life as well (I just turned 46).  I lost my husband (AWESOME MAN) coming up 10 years ago.  In the years after that, I suffered some serious anxiety attacks and then the depression jumped in.  I started medication as well, and also said I didn’t want to stay on it (I can beat this I thought).  I stayed on for about 4 months, and then got into a relationship, married, etc.  Within the year, I was back on the meds and here i have stayed and I am ok with that.  I’m not a bad person or doing anything “wrong” that I take the medication.  It helps me function at a good level.  I am on a small dose and take the anxiety meds as needed.  Thank you for sharing and I hope others will seek the help they may need without shame as well.  Be BLESSED!!

  16. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with anxiety. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. I also suffer from anxiety and its always good to know I am not alone in this. 

  17. Thank you for sharing your story. I am a counselor and I can say from professional experience that one of the most debilitating aspects of mental illness is the sense of isolation and shame that my clients suffer. Everyone who is willing to speak out about their own struggles with mental illness cracks open the door of embarrassment that separates the patient from the rest of the world. Successful people, such as yourself, who are willing to be public with their own mental health struggles also help remove the stigma and change the stereotypes. 

  18. My son was diagnosed with OCD at the age of 12. He washed his hands til they were almost bleeding, and could not sleep in his bed because of bugs. He knew it didn’t make any sense but he couldn’t help it. We had a hard time understanding what was going on. We finally got him to a Dr. and he was admitted to a juvenile Psychyatric center. He was there full time for 6 months. He was able to put it behind him. He still has OCD but he understands it now and is doing well. He is in his 40’s now and has 2 teenage daughters. I hope you will eventually get to that point also.

    God Bless. Nan

  19. Thanks for sharing your story Dorothy!  I also suffer from anxiety. About a year ago, I was very lethargic, weak, depressed, short tempered, and had the occasional anxiety attack.  I talked to my doctor and they suggested a therapist.  I distinctly remember my first appointment.  I walked into her office, she asked me what was wrong, and I immediately broke down in tears.  I didn’t want to have a “problem” and in that moment, it hit me that I did.  I felt upset and different but soon after realized that there are many people out there who suffer from some level of anxiety.  I made a lot of progress quickly and only had to see her for a short amount time.  I get occasional waves of anxiety but am much much better and happier.  I would even say my overall outlook on life has improved greatly since before dealing with anxiety to now.  Wishing you the best and I hope you continue to see improvement!

  20. Dorothy, Not sure if you were aware or not but anxiety and depression can also be caused by severe magnesium deficiency. Unless you take a ton of supplements daily, you could be low in magnesium, D3, and B complex. Deficiencies in these vitamins lead to stress and anxiety. A couple of great websites that deal with health issues all the time are Easy Healthy Options and Healthy Holistic Living. Most, if not all, of their articles site study after study so you know it’s not a lot of hocus pocus. Hope this helps.

    • Thank you Teresa! That’s so interesting, I’ll have to do some research. I do take D3 daily as I lean towards deficient in that area, so this is all very good info!

  21. Since you wrote this I’ve thought about your living on the roof analogy many times. I really like the way you put it. I don’t have anxiety, but have family members who do, and this was helpful. Thanks for sharing! I love you! 

  22. Hi Dorothy,

    First, thank you for sharing. I have many of the symptoms you described about yourself, and like you, I never classified myself as having anxiety. My husband tells me I have anger issues. I think you hit the nail on the head. Your post has helped me see a bit inside myself – if that makes sense. Second, your blog has been an inspiration to me to start one, which I’m in the process of doing after following your blog steps, too – so thank you again! Many blessings to you!

  23. Dorothy,
    I’m so sorry you went through your own hell for so long.  I have a lot of medical issues that have caused me to live with anxiety and depression, with so many medical reasons to feel this way.  Bless your heart.  Hug your hubby and your kid and be thankful you found help.  Stay on the MEDS if that’s what you need.  Take care of yourself.💜
    BTW, LOVE YOUR BLOG AND RECIPES, VISIT OFTEN AND FIND MANY NUGGETS OF GOLD HERE.

  24. Thank you for your honesty. I have been there and just today I had a talk with my husband who also has anxiety. It’s hard to think you have to be on a med to be “ok”, but I think how much better my life has been since I started taking something daily. I appreciate your honesty and am thankful you got the help you deserve. Praise God!

  25. Hi 🙂 I literally “stumbledupon”ed this and felt very relatable to you. I now realize I have PMDD which only 2-10% of women have. Does or did your anxiety, the one where you are left paralyzed and confused without a trigger, happens 10 days or so before your period? I was misdiagnosed for anxiety and depression for a long time and did not connect my physical body to my mental body symptoms. I thought I would bring awareness to PMDD as it can be linked. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you continue to feel well!

    • I definitely struggled with that after my daughter was born. I think it was tied to the hormones of all that, because it did get better. Although, now that I’m on medication I realize that I don’t want to murder my family when I’m close to my period now, haha!! thank you for reading, I so appreciate it and sending you hugs!

  26. Wow! Thanks for sharing! I have just recently started following your blog and am glad I stumbled upon this post.
    I have been off my anxiety meds for a year now but am still quite moody. I can relate to your story because I am a yeller…I feel so irrational sometimes and can’t explain it to my son or husband. Thanks for helping me realize that I should probably talk to my doctor again.

  27. Thank you so much dory.
    I’m having some kind of phobia, but I think it happens for my ANXIETY. I can’t do anything when I’m living alone, every moment I need to spend with someone else. That could be anyone, or else I’m feeling like hell and going to be dead.

  28. Dorothy, I just now read your blog about your anxiety. I actually felt like I was reading something I had written. Our anxiety issues are so much alike. I just have never been able to put it into words. I’ve always thought mine started a lot further back than I can actually remember. I think I must have had post-partum depression and just didn’t know there was such a thing. And that that started my anxiety/panic attacks. There have been times in the past I thought I needed to go to a mental hospital, I just didn’t say it out loud. I’ve been on medication now for several years; sometimes when I feel like I’m slipping the doctor will change my medication and I’ll feel better. Aren’t our minds just fascinating how they work; but then I wonder why God made our minds this way! Thanks again for your blog.

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