Me…and weight

**Note: I wrote this post several weeks ago and have been too afraid to share it. I’ve been struggling with this a lot over the past month or two, and didn’t have the courage to open up. But the other day, I saw a segment about this book and I almost started to cry. It was fitting that I was at the gym at the time, telling myself to work harder because of what I ate the night before. I immediately went home and bought the book and as I’m reading it it’s really hitting home for me. So that is what gave me the courage to finally share this.**

No recipe, today…no, this is another type of post. It’s a story that I’ve been wanting to tell, but I just didn’t know how, or when, and I didn’t have the courage. I’m not sure what my goal is here, except to be therapeutic maybe? It’s a little long, so I understand if you want to come back another day, when there’s sugar. But if you stick with me, thanks. 🙂

A few weeks ago I bought Jordan a dance uniform that the local HS cheer dancers wear. They had a clearance sale, so I got a shell and a skirt for $10. She was brimming with excitement to try it on. They’re size small, but meant to be small – tight – and are stretchy to accommodate. It’s a dance uniform, after all.

Her eyes were shining as she tried it on. She was so excited! And then I noticed her sucking in her stomach in the mirror. I asked her what she was doing. And she told me she was fat, so she needed to suck it in.

In that moment, my world and my heart shattered into a million little pieces.

Because she was only doing something that I do, every. single. day. I have sucking in my stomach down to an art form. Don’t we all?

Sure, society has given her influence. She watches TV, sees magazines. She is most certainly not fat, but she is a different body type than most of her friends. She’s cursed with my genes and my husband’s: stocky and built. Not fat – solid. Big boned. Prone to weight in the tummy. Her friends are all…not that way. She’s bigger than most of her friends – by design, not by fat.

As hard as I have tried to shield Jordan from my body image issues, I’ve failed. F-A-T. It’s a dirty word and I’ve said it, a million times.

I do not have a good relationship with body image. I always say I don’t have a good relationship with food, but that’s not the case. It’s body image, the way I feel that I look and the way I feel about myself. Body image and self-esteem are BFFs, in a way. Without a good body image, your self-esteem takes a pretty good hit. I’ve always had problems with both: I’m too fat, I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough wife/mom/friend/blogger. This has roots that go way back, to where, I have no idea.

I first realized I was overweight when I was 10 years old. I had been blissfully going along, not noticing that the pre-puberty weight was actually chunk, until one day in the fifth grade. Someone was videotaping PE class. I was wearing a turquoise sweatsuit, one that was so popular in the 80s: pullover sweater and sweat pants in a bright solid color.

My world changed when we watched the video. All of a sudden I realized what everyone else could probably see. I was fat. Big. Blubber, as I was always called. The mean boys (and girls) were right!

After a few awkward years and a puberty growth spurt where weight distributed itself (ahem), I was down to a regular, normal non-chunky me. But I was still bigger than all my friends. I had passed the 100 mark. (I still remember that day too, like it was yesterday.)

In high school, teen angst, depression, and friend drama made my body image even worse. It was at that point that FAT became a regular member of my vocabulary. It’s also when I started hearing the voice in my head, the one that told me I was fat. Ugly. Not good enough. I wanted to stop eating. I wanted to be thin. I wanted to be in control of what I ate. But I didn’t stop eating. I watched the Tracey Gold saga play out in the headlines. I was obsessed with For the Love of Nancy. I wished I could be Kelly in the Peach Pit bathroom. But those people had to stop eating to do that. Who would want to stop eating?

{A future food blogger, I was.}

The voice in my head just told me that I wasn’t good enough, not controlled enough. I was a failure because I couldn’t become anorexic. I was a failure because I couldn’t purge that meal in the TGIFridays bathroom. The voice was good at telling me I was a failure at things, be it life, school, or food.

In college I was lonely. My boyfriend lived away. I didn’t make many friends. I lived at home, and my HS friends all went to the same junior college together, so they were having a HS part two. I gained a lot of weight.

The perfect storm happened one night my senior year. I had been broken up for awhile with no boyfriend prospects in sight. Then the pivotal thing in my relationship with control and food happened: I failed a test. Not just any test, one that I needed to get into a teaching program. It was a really difficult math exam, for future math teachers. I missed the cutoff by 3 points. I had never failed something so epic in my life. I had let everyone down: my parents, my teachers, myself.

That night, I stopped eating…mostly.

For a few months I lived on coffee and Excedrin. I ate dinner because I lived at home and had no choice but to eat with my parents. There would have been too many questions if I skipped dinner, so I ate it. It felt good, not just to lose the weight, but to be able to say no to something. No, I don’t want that cereal. No, I don’t want lunch. It felt good to be in control of what I wanted. Finally, I was strong enough. I dropped over 30 pounds in a month.

People noticed. I got compliments. I also finally, after so many years of coveting it, could see the triangle. You know the one: when skinny people stand upright with their legs together you can see a triangle of light through the thighs. I had one! Finally!

I remember being hungry. All. The. Time. My friends were worried about me, they urged me to eat. But I was too happy about needing a belt to wear my jeans to listen to them. I wasn’t anorexic, I didn’t have an eating disorder. I was just losing the weight I needed to lose.

I’ll never forget the day I started eating again. I went to breakfast with a couple friends, which turned out to be an intervention of sorts. They ordered me pancakes and stared at me so I’d eat. I still remember my inner conflict: eat the pancakes? Or not? I ate a bite of the pancakes. I made a decision that day, to not go all the way down the road I was headed.

That’s also the day I discovered laxatives. We don’t really need to go into that…you get the point. That went on for awhile, even into my relationship with Mel.

I made a choice to start eating again, but that certainly didn’t solve any problems. The voice in my head was still there – and strong. It’s still there today – I have never dealt with any of the issues that drove me to that point, and even though I wouldn’t ever stop eating again, I still wish I could. Every. Single. Day.

I was 5′ 4″ and 120 pounds when Mel and I started dating. I still remember pinching my tummy and calling myself fat. Now, I want to go back and slap that girl. Dude. 120 pounds? Be thankful!

Marital bliss changed my thinking. I stopped fixating, and got to a healthier me, but Mel would argue with that. F-A-T was always part of my vocabulary. I had Jordan. I gained an obscene amount of weight, but lost 50 pounds in 6 weeks because of water weight. But the 10 pounds left eluded me, and everything moved. Since I began blogging, I’ve gained a lot of weight. It’s very hard to be in this job and not, especially when you love sugar and have no willpower like I do.

I often feel like a hypocrite: I show you lots of sugar, and tell you how good it is. It is good, and I should know, because I eat it every day. But I beat myself up for every single bite. I pinch my fat and tell myself I’ll never be good. I’ll always be overweight. I refuse to weigh myself, because every number is like a stab to my heart. And when you roll your eyes at me because I say I’m fat, know that I’m not just saying it. I actually, 100%, feel it. I feel it on my stomach, in my thighs. I see it in my head. I feel it in my heart. I don’t say it for a “no, you’re not” answer. I say it because it’s my coping mechanism for how I feel about myself.

I’m not happy with the way I look, but I never have been. No matter what weight I am, I look in the mirror and I see that chubby 10 year old in her turquoise sweatsuit. And now, I’m passing down these wonderful traits to my daughter.


I get comments all the time like, “how do you stay so thin?” and I laugh. I joke, and say “spanx” or “photoshop” but inside I’m saying, “those people are cray-cray” because they’ve never seen me naked and boy, a good black shirt can cover up anything. But I certainly don’t feel thin, not at all. I never have, and I’m not sure if I ever would – even if I lost another 30 pounds.

That episode with Jordan made me realize how unhappy I am with how feel about how I look. I mean, I always feel unhappy with how I look, but I’m realizing I need to change that. I’m not quite sure how. I don’t necessarily mean weight loss – I mean I need an attitude adjustment. I could lose 10 or 20 pounds, sure (and I should) but that’s not going to change how I feel about myself. Will losing weight change how my clothes fit? Yes. Will it make me happier? Yes, to a point. But I’m still going to feel fat. That’s what I need to change…somehow.

Here’s the thing: reading the book Almost Anorexic has made me realize something. For 15 years I told myself I didn’t have an eating disorder. That I don’t have one. I had “failed” at anorexia. I felt that if I told someone I had an eating disorder in college, or that I still suffer from symptoms, I felt that they would either (1) look at me and laugh or (2) get angry because my saying that was an insult to anorexics everywhere. But in reality? Eating disorders are a spectrum. Back in college I most definitely did suffer from an eating disorder. And guess what? I still do. Sure, I don’t starve myself. I don’t purge. But the self-belittlment I force on myself, the anger I feel when I eat, the hatred I feel for myself when I don’t work out hard enough, those are all symptoms that can fall on the eating disorder spectrum.

These feelings have been hitting me so much harder lately. Life is busy, I’m more stressed. My husband is being so successful at his weight loss. Bloggers around the internet are talking about the Food Blogger 15. Gaining weight seems to be the mark of a food blogger; it comes with the territory. I think all of this combined is making the voice in my head get louder.

Here is another thing I’m learning about myself: I’m scared. I’m scared to diet. I’m scared to cleanse, to change the way I eat. I’m scared to work with a trainer, I’m scared to try all those so-called natural gym booster supplements everyone uses. I’m scared of my scale. All of those things are triggers for me. I think I’m past the point of starving myself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. All of those things are scary for me because they trigger the voice in my head. If I start a diet and cheat, I’ve failed. If I don’t work out as hard as I should, I’ve failed. I think what reading the book has me realizing is that losing weight is not the answer. Before I can lose weight, I need to silence the voice in my head.

I think I need to start realizing that I am me. I’m not a number. I’m not a pound or a dress size. My self worth should not be tied to weight. My body is my body and at 155 pounds or at 130, I need to be appreciative of it. I need to learn to accept me. Now, if I can learn to do that, I can probably bottle it and sell it for a million dollars. Because it’s something all women want, right? To be happy in their own skin?

The difference is I want Jordan to be happy in hers. I want her to put on her sparkly skirts and wacky leggings and be herself. I don’t want F-A-T to define her. When she’s called that in school, and she already has and will again, I’m sure, I want her to be able to shrug it off and say whatever, dude, I’m wearing a sparkly t-shirt and I’m happy about it. I’m not quite sure how to get her to that point, but I’m going to give it a concerted effort.

I’m going to try and cut myself some slack. If I eat a cookie, I’m going to try not to tell myself I’m ugly.

If I have a second (or third) bite after a photo shoot, I’m going to try not to hurl hurtful words at myself because I’m a disgusting piece of fat that cannot stop at one bite.

If I skip a day at the gym, I’m going to try not to tell myself I’m worthless and a piece of lard, which usually results in eating a tray of brownies.

I’m going to try not to pinch my stomach fat. That’ll be a hard one, because I do it so often, it’s a reflex.

I’m not sure if I’m going to be successful at any of those, because right now I’m certainly not. But I’m going to try.

I’m also going to tell the 10 year old fat girl in the mirror to get the f$*! out of my head. It’s about time she found something better to do.

Instead of saying “I’m fat” I am going to try saying “I’m me.”

{Now…if only I knew how to do that, I’d be golden…}

Thank you for reading. I just feel like I had to get that off my chest, and I feel better knowing I’ve finally said everything that’s been stuck inside me for a really, really long time. I appreciate it if you made it all the way through. 🙂

I’ll be back with sugar on Sunday. And, hopefully, less guilt.


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  1. I am right there with you. Seriously, everything you wrote resonated with me. I have body dysmorphia, where i see my body possibly very differently than everyone else. I have TERRIBLE body image issues and struggle greatly with disordered eating. One thing that helps me is remembering that im not far. I have fat. I have fingernails, but im not fingernails. That helps me separate it and feel a little better… Changing my wording. Anyways, thanks for opening up!

  2. I’m glad you finally hit publish. That was a good one. xo.

  3. Dorothy. These blog posts are so raw and human. And brave. It’s so easy to hide behind our blogs and pretend that life is peachy, when the fact is, we have lives and issues like most people. You’re amazing to put yourself out there. But you have nothing to feel ashamed of. I can’t speak to the root of your body insecurities, but I will say that our society makes it very difficult for women to love their bodies and food blogging is certainly not conducive to weight loss. Putting yourself out there is half the battle. You got this! (((hugs)))

    • Thank you Amy! I appreciate your kind words, and no, our society is not helpful! Why, even on the radio today, the DJ was doing a commercial for makeup to make your face look less fat, and she’s pregnant – when you’re supposed to look healthy and glowy. It’s kind of a screwed way of looking at things! Thanks so much for your support!

  4. What an incredibly brave post to write! I find that saying out loud and admitting to yourself and others that something isn’t like it should be is often the hardest and most important step.

    I can relate to so many things you’ve said. I’ve always been a big girl, going through phases of “failed anorexia”, where I’d attempt to stop eating and feel like a failure for not being able to become anorexic, but then about 2.5 years ago I hit an all-time low, went on a diet and lost a significant amount of weight. I plateaued with less than 10 lbs until a stupid number I had been fixated on and it spun out of control from there. I almost ended up with an eating disorder and disordered eating and poor body image for sure. At one point, my “bad food list” was longer than the Grand Canyon and bananas were “bad” because they contain so much fruit sugar.

    If I can give you one piece of unsolicited advice, then it’s that maybe it’s a good idea to see a therapist of some kind. I started seeing a psychologist who specialized in eating disorders and disordered eating and just talking to her each week has helped me find love for my body again and reframe my relationship with food.

    I’m also a very active person and I’ve found it helpful to reframe exercising/training too. You mentioned you go to the gym and maybe it’s a good idea to start a training log for yourself. I recently started training for my first full marathon and keep a very detailed journal of my runs. It’s a wonderful reminder of all the great things my body is capable of, of how strong it is, how healthy. It may not look the way I want it to and the number of the scale doesn’t say what I want it to say, but reminding myself that I could lift a heavier weight yesterday than I could 4 weeks ago is empowering and helps me move past any feelings of F-A-T and instead concentrate on all the awesome things I can do.

    And finally, never ever feel bad for “failing” at an eating disorder. Be proud that you managed to fight it. Food is not designed to taste good on the way back up. Be glad you never started doing that.

    Again, I really applaud you for your courage to speak about your struggles. Good luck on your journey!

    • Thank you Petra. Your story and your advice is so helpful! I really like the idea of journaling my fitness, to see how far I’ve come. Because I have come far – I am so much stronger now than I ever was. That’s a great way to look at it. Thank you so much!

  5. What a raw, personal, courageous post to write and share. There are so many layers and elements, from you as a Dorothy, to your role as a mom, to Jordan, your past relationship with food, how it is now, how it is to juggle food/sugar as a dessert blogger. So many layers and webs and tangled pieces going on. Sometimes when one thing is sorted out, the rest sort of fixes itself. That could partially be true here, but partially not. All you can do is take one day at a time and fix what you can, that day. Change what you can in that moment and do the best you can at that time – as a mom, as Dorothy, as blogger Dorothy, as a wife, etc. Sometimes we all have great success as a mom or as a wife but horrible as a blogger or horrible to ourselves – whether it’s with food or ANYthing. I just wish you strength and peace and to feel happy and fulfilled and good about things, Dorothy 🙂

  6. I’m sorry for what you went through but I’m glad you shared your story because I think a lot of people have the same one. I struggles with my weight as well in college and dropped a lot of it as well. It was a rough time. I too get asked how I stay so skinny even now and inside I laugh because I think those people can’t possibly be talking about me. It’s tough to feel fat all.the.time. Our society is one of the skinny person and it stinks for anyone who isn’t a size 0. I’m sorry you are seeing your daughter go through this now as well and hope that you can have a meaningful conversation with her about weight and imagine.

  7. I know what you’re talking about. I am getting married next year and have been on a health kick for a while. I few months ago I suffered a concussion and have not been able to exercise since then without painful side effects. Lately I have been feeling the same negative emotions you have expressed. I feel terrible on a daily basis, I can’t exercise, I feel worse, upset I make poor food choices, which overall isn’t helping me heal. A friend of mine recently told me to just take small steps and focus on being healthy, not thin. Little lifestyle choices. They add up and give me back SOME semblance of control.
    I am glad to know it’s not just me, and I really hope you have someone supporting you! I know you’ll make it through.

  8. I have tears streaming down my face as I am reading this – it really hit home. I have always struggled with my weight and have always body/self esteem issues. It’s so hard looking around at world and seeing everyone’s perfect lives on their perfect blogs, instagram, facebook pages, or whatever else knowing that you are so far from perfect. I’m sure it took a lot of bravery to post this but thank you for being so honest and real.

    • Oh, it’s far from perfect! But I so totally know what you mean! I feel that way every day. Online, at school pick-up. No one talks about how they really feel; what’s really going on. It’s all superficial and smiles. And, while every day on the blog, I’m talking about sugar, so I feel like I need to be funny, there’s so much more going on behind the scenes, and I think that it’s so important to share it. Thank you for your comment, and ((hugs)) to you!

  9. Dorothy, You are so incredible to publish this post. I admire your honesty and courage. I think SO many of us, if not ALL can relate to this. It’s sad how our society is so weight obsessed. I grew up thinking I was fat because I heard my Mom complain about her weight on a constant basis. (And she was incredibly thin) In high school I remember my Mom telling me one day the that jeans I was wearing “she could wear too”…So of course I took that as her calling me fat 🙁 It did start an obsession of my own and therefore my entire life I’ve been so weight conscience, calorie conscience. It’s been a hard road.
    Even when I got down as low as 103 pounds, I was still unhappy. I think with this image society tells us thats right or perfect, will not make us happy. I’ve come to realize its our internal positive dialogue is what will make us truly happy. (Along with healthy eating, exercising AND of course some delicious desserts now and again) 😀 Yes being a food blogger makes that harder.. That’s why I’ll send cupcakes, desserts or extras to work or to neighbors so its not left for me to eat! Cause I will if it sits around! Haha. Keep your head up girl and remember you’re human!! And just keep being an amazing Mom to Jordan! She’s lucky to have you! 🙂

    • Thank you Holly, for sharing your story and your words! Your story really hits home to me, because it’s amazing how one simple sentence can affect your entire life. That happened so many times in my childhood, with so many things besides weight too. I am definitely going to watch what I say around Jordan from now on. Thank you Holly!

  10. Hi Dorothy! I had something a little similar.. but different. Then again, isn’t every story different? Middle school convinced me I was stupid, fat and ugly. College made me so depressed I wanted to well… you know.
    It takes a lot of strength to get fit and be healthy. It also takes a lot of work. However, I have learned over the past five years that it IS work. It takes work to be happy. It takes work to make a family that is communicative, functional, loving and happy. There is a large lie in America that teaches us some people are just happy, or just thin (well… some people are but anyway), however it takes hard work and dedication to move your weight just as much as move your set point of happiness.

    I’m far from perfect. I make tons of mistakes, but I stop myself, calm down and explain to my kids what I did wrong and what I’ll do next time. There might not always be a next time. But there is always time for reflection. And always time for love.

    • I know, it’s almost like we go through life expecting to be happy and then wham! we realize, wow, we have to work at it. Or maybe some people are blessed with that happiness from the beginning? I’m going to start working hard at it now! Thank you so much for your words and your story Mary Ellen!

  11. Yo are so very brave to put this out there, Dorothy! So many of us have had similar struggles. Having a daughter of my own, I totally understand you wanting to portray a healthy body image to Jordan. I pray that you find what works for you – and that as women, we all learn to accept ourselves for who we are. Hugs to you!!

  12. Your honesty is so touching. It’s like you’ve taken the thoughts from my head, added courage and breathed life into them. I have many worries about my own weight and body image- and I have 2 girls who also watch me. It’s a challenge to curb my bad habits and encourage healthy words and thoughts for them. Thank you for sharing! It’s a boat that I’m sure many women are afraid to admit they’re in.

    • It’s so difficult! It’s not just about changing a mindset and way we feel, but about our vocabulary too. Thank you for sharing your story Katie, and for your comment.

  13. You are amazing for being able to open up! I am grateful you wrote this. My kids are still young and I hope to be a good example to them of positive body image. I think you are amazing and hope you know that I appreciate this post and your blog!

  14. Thank you for posting this. It was a really brave thing to share this part of you and so many women feel exactly the same way you do every day. It can be very lonely and alienating to have these kinds of thoughts and to know someone else is experiencing it too can make a difference. I’m proud of you for posting this (is that weird to say when I don’t really know you?) and I am very glad to have found your blog.

    • Not weird at all! And I think that’s one of the reasons I posted it. I think SO many women (and men) feel this way, but no one talks about it. I think knowing there are others out there struggling every day, it makes it easier to heal. I hope!

  15. Dorothy, thanks so much for sharing your story. Like you, I’ve struggled my whole life with body image, and like your daughter, I always struggled with the fact that my body type was different from that of my friends. Some of my first memories are from when I was around age 7, being unhappy with the way my thighs looked when I would squat down, and asking my mom how to spell “diet” so I could scrawl the word across full months of the calendar I kept in my room. I was a small to average sized kid/teenager, but I always felt fat because I always had skinny friends. Then I gained a LOT of weight during my freshman year in college and finally started working out to help feel better about myself. When I began seeing results, I got addicted; instead of anorexia, I turned to “exercise bulimia,” where I’d work out for several hours a day at the campus gym, then go home and work out some more. I had tons of rules for myself: anytime I stepped into the kitchen, I had to do 100 crunches, and I made myself work out for an hour for every “bad” thing I ate. When I graduated college, I was running about 40 miles a week and my body fat was in the single digits. I still thought I was fat, would still jump up and down in front of the mirror and target areas that jiggled to work harder in the gym next time.
    Thankfully, I’ve been able to gain some perspective and achieve some healing from the body image issues that haunted me, although they’ll never completely go away. I don’t know if you are religious, but the first thing that really helped me was to realize that I equated being skinny with being loved, and that I believe in a God whose love for me is not conditional on ANYTHING. My husband has also been a huge help, because he honestly believes that I’m beautiful regardless of my size, but he encourages me to make healthier choices and holds me accountable for the changes I want to make.
    I’ve learned several things that have really helped me: first, I will never be a size 0, or even a size 4, and that’s okay. I remember being SO frustrated in college because my roommate was a size 4 and I was a six… and I WANTED TO FIT INTO HER CLOTHES. Even at my smallest, I couldn’t… because MY BODY WAS BIGGER THAN HERS. Making peace with my body type was a huge step. I have hips, and runner’s thighs, and broad shoulders. I’m not fine boned or delicate, but I’m strong, and I’ve learned to be proud of that. Second, I learned to look into the mirror and find SOMETHING positive. I grew up seeing my mom look into the mirror and sigh EVERY time, “UGH, I’m so fat!” and that’s what I learned to do. My husband put an end to that and MADE me look in the mirror and find positive things about myself. He helped me learn to love what was in the mirror even though it won’t ever be perfect. Learning portion control was another huge thing for me: just because food is there, that doesn’t mean I have to eat it all. I learned to listen to my body: eat when I’m hungry, and stop when I’m satiated. It doesn’t take long to reach the point where you realize that feeling FULL is uncomfortable, and adjusting portions helps because you don’t get to that “ugh, I can’t BELIEVE I ate…” stage. I stopped classifying food as “good” and “bad” and focused on an “everything in moderation” viewpoint. If I want a cookie, I’ll eat one, but that doesn’t mean I need to devour the entire sleeve of thin mints. Finally, I put my focus on being healthy instead of being skinny. Instead of focusing on the negative, I focus on things I have done and things I can do to make my body more healthy. I can make better choices, I can move more, I can focus the positive: instead of “ugh, I hate how fat my thighs are,” I think how proud I am to have legs as strong as mine are. Just like Petra said; her points were excellent.
    Sorry for such a long post, but what a great topic of conversation for women to have!!

    • Thank you Angie, for your advice and for sharing your story. I want to get to that point; where I can see something I like in the mirror. And I want to be happy with ME. I think I’m ready to start, and my husband is a wonderful support, so I have to start believing him when he tells me I’m beautiful. 🙂

  16. I am so glad you pushed publish on this one. I’m proud of you for putting this out there…I’m also thinking, Wow this could be me you were writing about. I too struggle with the daily fat comments about myself. I hate how I look, and I don’t understand how anyone can ask me how I stay so slim when I bake. The blogger 15 is so real. It is a challenge every day to not say things like “fat” around my daughter too. I don’t want her to have the same body images that I have gone through. I did rounds of anorexia and bulimia in previous years…the problem was that I still thought I was fat even after all that. Sheesh I wish I could go back in time and kick myself down the block 🙂 I have gotten past that, but it is still a struggle to not do it even after all these years. Once you learn to do it, it doesn’t go away ever! You are an amazing mom and Jordan is lucky to have you and have you care so much that you would share such a personal level. I heart you so much!!! Hold your head high and know that we all have the same struggles just different versions. I’m here for you any time!!! Hugs!!!

    • Oh Jocelyn. Thank you for sharing your story. The thing is – we shouldn’t have to live this way. One of my “aha!” moments this week is that it’s not normal to feel this way; that not everyone does. That “Ed” the voice in my head can be silenced with a lot of work. That’s my goal. We need to get rid of the voice, because we are good people, and food and fat shouldn’t matter. ((hugs)) to you too!

  17. I have to tell you, as someone who suffers with body image, I have ALWAYS suffered. As long as I can remember. And my mother never cared about what she looked like. She didn’t make me have my image issues. We naturally compare ourselves to the “pretty, popular girls”. We want to be like them. Or, at least most of us do. My point is, don’t blame yourself.

    • That was my case too Mindy! My mom was always so confident, self-assured. She never looked twice at herself, at least in front of me. I do not remember a time not thinking about fat. It astounds me that I’m learning it’s NOT a normal way of thinking – that not everyone looks in the mirror and sees ugly. It’s one of the many “aha!” moments I’ve had this week.

      • I too, have had body issues all my life and eating issues as an adult.. I feel like I constantly think about food, eating, or my “gross” body ( I’m average for sure, but of course I want to be thinner :/ ). My parents never dicussed their weight or insecurities, but somehow I picked that up. After reading your blog and Dorothy’s response, I was thinking about my two moms (real and step). Maybe because they were “skinny” and pretty, I felt like I should be too? Was that where the pressure came from?? Not from them, but from me thinking I’m supposed to look like my family members, for the simple fact that I’m related?? (“That’s so dumb! I’m me, not them!” says my logical brain, as my emotions believe the opposite.) So it seems that even if you’re not exposed to parents with negative body images you may still end up with issues?? Dang! We can’t win!

        And Dorothy, you’re not alone. It’s awesome that you wrote this, and try not to beat yourself up so much. Focus on the good days. xoxoxo

        P.S. I LOVE the other people that commented on your blog…sooo many cool women!

      • Oops, was Mindy’s response!

    • You mean, it’s NOT normal? Other people really look in the mirror without loathing?

  18. Oh boy… I’m not sure I can type too much without turning into a blubbering mess! But, I will say I’m right there with you. Good for you for taking the time and courage to write this down! And in my case, it’s the Food Blogger 50 =(

    • Thank you Glory, I’m hoping it also gives me the courage to stop the thinking. Because regardless of how much weight we gain, we are people not a number. Hopefully I can get there someday. 🙂

  19. Thanks for sharing Dorothy! I am very happy that you decided to publish this, because you are not alone in your body issues. I wanted to share a similar story on my blog but I have not really felt like it had a place. I struggled with weight starting in fifth grade and never stopped. My siblings are thin as rails, but obesity runs on my dad’s side of the family. At that time my parents were getting divorced and I was angry. I tried the fad diets, but nothing ever worked. It wasn’t until my Senior year of college, when I weighed 225 pounds that my mom scared me into losing weight over Christmas break. I never had an “eating disorder”, or food addiction, I just liked to eat and didn’t pay any attention to what I ate. In January 2008, I started weight watchers. It took me 3 1/2 years but I lost 100 pounds and kept it off for quite some time. At my lowest, I was 124.5 for one of my weight-ins. The problem is, the “fat girl” inside of me never goes away. As happy as I was at 126 pounds, excited to finally shop at stores that were never previously an option for me, I was still unhappy with the way my body was. How horrible is that? My skin on my stomach and the flab of leftover fat that won’t go away, plus my monster thighs. In the past year, I have put on 10 pounds. Every day I stand in front of the mirror in disgust. I feel like I let myself “get out of control”. The funny thing is, I find that because I am so unhappy with my body, that it’s difficult to be happy in my everyday life. And worst of all, I am doing nothing proactive to change it. I am back to wearing my “fat clothes” and hiding my stomach. Then today, a waitress at a restaurant (who waits on us weekly) asked me if I was pregnant. No one has asked me if I was pregnant since 2006. No, I am not pregnant, and yes, I know that sushi is not good for pregnant women. I am terrified of gaining weight when I decide to have a child. I wish I could change the way I look at myself. I am so proud of my weight loss, I never imagined that I could do that, but I would give anything to easily be able to shed these 8-10 pounds I put on. It took me a year to loose my last 10 pounds and I am terribly afraid it will happy again. I still weight in monthly, it’s the only way I can hold myself accountable. Your article is incredible honest and I really appreciate you sharing your story. I can only imagine how lucky is that Jordan to have you as a mom. Every time you post a photo, she looks so happy. Thanks for sharing.

    • Oh Julianne, I’m so sorry for how you’re feeling. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you should read the book, Almost Anorexic. I think it would help you begin recovery. The whole book isn’t totally applicable to me right now (but parts of the entire thing have been applicable at some point in my life) but there are certain things that are said in there that have given me so many “aha!” moments over the past few days. Now, I don’t know if I can change alone, and I know that an ED specialist would probably be a good thing, but I’m not sure if I’m at that point (they’re expensive!) Know that you’re not alone, not at all. And you, we, CAN get help. It is NOT normal to feel this way. There is a whole world out there of people that don’t have the voice in their head. I never knew that until the other day. ((hugs))

      • Thanks Dorothy for your kind words. I would like to read that book. I am fortunate enough that I have not suffered through an ED or an unhealthy way of dieting, but I know there are so many people out there who have. In my adult life, I find out that the people closets to me have, and I had no idea. It is so important that we all share our story but that we help influence the next generation to be positive about the way they look and just own it. I truly appreciate you sharing and know that your readers (including myself) have so much respect for you. I encourage you to continue to share and hopefully you, myself and others who may be feeling this way can continue to try and change the way we look at ourselves. XO

  20. What an amazing and inspiring post. I love that you had the courage to share this. I know that I’ve had similar thoughts before and still do. I do want you to know, though, that I think you’re beautiful. Keep making those fantastic treats of yours and definitely taste them too. Your daughter is lucky to have such a powerful woman for her mother.

  21. Dorthy, I can totally relate to all of this and appreciate you bringing up, very brave. Keep up being a wonderful person with lots of talents.

  22. Thank you for writing this. I worry about this with my daughter too. She’s only a baby, but I want her to grow up feeling good, healthy, and strong. She needs to see that from me too. I think we could all be a little easier on ourselves.

  23. Oh Honey, I know exactly how you feel. been there done that. and still doing it..friday the 23 august was my birthday, my sister got me an outfit, and guess what didnt fit, and it was a huge one. talk about wanting to cry. went back to the outlet with her to find me something,and in the dressing room about to break down crying…needless to say left there with nothing…I have been on a weight see saw all my life, born and raised in California so alot of pressure, then my daughters and yes i know exactly what u was saying about them getting teased. broke my heart..i was very small when i moved back here to take care of my mom almost 3 years ago and i am huge now. but even when i was tiny i still saw a fat girl..i know what you are not a blogger but i do test the food of the bloggers,here at home.LOL..much love, just know you are not alone…and Thank you .

  24. I ama lurker on your site but knew I finally needed to comment when I read your post..first of all..a big giant hug for you. I know how hard it is to write a post like this because I did the same thing back in Decemeber. I am 38 years old and weighed over 300 pounds for most of my life. I ate to cover myself appear bigger so that I wouldnt be a victim anymore. It took alot of time to reach the point of where Im at now. It took many times of standing in the kitchen with a mouthful of food and crying because I didnt want to binge eat anymore but it was all I had. I would spit the food out and cry some more. I was feeding a 5 year old who didnt have a voice and a 14 year old who had enough and was fighting back anyway she knew how.

    It takes so much effort on our part to work through why we eat or why we don’t and why we see ourselves the way we do. I have cried until I thought there was nothing left..and then cried some more. I have always known why I ate so letting it all go was step 1 for me. The other step was that I was NOT going to diet. I was not going to cut out one single thing from my eating…that of course ment I needed to change how I viewed food..not as a weapon but something that needed to be enjoyed in a calm way. It took me two years but I lost 140 pounds..I now weigh in at 152 and I am a blogger aswell and know all about watching waht you eat so that you don’t gain weight. All I can say is don’t feel like you need to post something in order for people to keep coming back. If you need to make something different for a few weeks, then do that.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel..there really is. I eat everything now and feel more free now than when I was binge eating and just stuffing myself sick every single day. I found an exercise that worked for me..walking! I have always loved to walk so I bought the Walk Away the Pounds tapes and did them inside my house. I walked and jogged 5 miles a day,6 days a week..for 2 years. I switched between the 2 miles,4 miles and then miles. It didnt matter wat was going on outside because I could do everything inside without anyone looking at me. Soimetimes talking to someone else can work wonders aswell.

    It’s hard sometimes to put ourselves first and figure somethings out so that we can move forward in a positive way. All I can say is that you are worth all of the hard work that goes into making you the best person you can be. You are worth it all so don’t ever forget that…and don’t ever give up on the fact that it can and will get better. It’s hard sometimes and I got scared when I had to leave my binge eating behind. It was the one constant in my life. I’m free now and it’s amazing.

    Dont ever give up.

    • Thank you Sonya. This comment made me choke up a little. Crying while you’re eating, even when you’re not hungry. That’s me. I am going to work hard to let it all go, and then to change my relationship with food. I have been afraid of dieting for so long, and now I think I know why, because it’s a trigger. I’m afraid to fail. Thank you so much for your advice and comment, and for your story. I won’t give up! ((hugs))

  25. You’re so brave for getting this out there. Honestly, reading your words was like looking into my own head. I’m tall & my family are big boned. I was the fat kid at school who got bullied and turned to food even more even though it was making me fatter. I was a failure, so many times I started a diet and failed, I just had no willpower. Then one day something changed & I’m still not sure what, but I decided that enough was enough. I found the willpower to say no to that cookie and that takeout. Long story short, I starved myself. I lived off of milkshakes and 1 small meal a day. At the time I knew it wasn’t healthy, but all I could think and see was the fact I was losing weight. I lost over 100lbs and became underweight. But still I felt I was too fat. Meeting my boyfriend definitely saved me. He supported me and still does to this day. I started eating a little more and I’m more stable now. But when I look in the mirror I still see fat. When I look at my thighs or my stomach I still see fat. Everyone is like “you’re absolutely tiny” but I don’t see it. Food blogging has become therapy for me. I used to not cook at all, but I realised if I cooked dinner and knee what went into it then it was another form of control over my body/weight. I am anorexic, I had to admit this to myself last year and since I have I’ve got a lot better. Since I started my blog and opened up about my ED I have got better. I still berate myself if I eat a cookie and if I take a bite after shooting a recipe… I run for 40 mins a day and if I don’t I beat myself up about it. I used to weigh myself every day, but I’ve managed not to for 2 weeks and am trying so, so hard to eat more normally. It’s a constant battle, every single day I have horrible thoughts which almost send me spiralling back to where I was, but overall I am better. Blogging has helped, but it’s a double edged knife I completely understand where you’re coming from. Posting, making and shooting sweet stuff is so hard when you struggle with food. I hope one day I’ll be more normal around food, but I doubt I’ll ever be completely happy and normal. I’ll always think negatively of myself and want to control food. I just wanted to say that I understand and I know how difficult it is. You’re not alone and I hope so much that you continue to take positive steps like not pinching your tummy etc. I think opening up is a good sign of recovery, for me it was the first and I’ve felt so much better and more positive since. If you ever want to talk about it then feel free to email me. I know I’m a complete stranger, but I feel like there isn’t enough support for people with ED’s. The media is constantly on about how thin we should be and it has such a negative effect on kids. Young children should be enjoying themselves not thinking they look fat or need to diet, it’s awful and I wish it would stop 🙁 so much is societies fault for trying to make us all conform and be perfect and skinny. Thank you for posting this and sorry this is such a long comment! Sending hugs, Annie Xx

    • Annie, thank you for sharing your story. You don’t have to always think negatively about yourself. I hope not anyway. In the book I’m reading, Almost Anorexic, it talks about people who aren’t like that. There is a WHOLE world out there that is NOT obsessed with body image. I hope we can both live in that world some day. Let’s work on it together. ((Hugs))

  26. I am so right there with you. You basically took what I feel and put it down in writing. I used to think that if I lost weight, then everything would be ok, but I have come to realize ( at 57 years old-took a looooong time) that the weight is only a manifestation of how I feel about myself. It’s an endless circle for me and I don’t know if I will ever come to terms with it. I don’t remember ever feeling good about myself in any way, shape or form and only hope that I haven’t passed too much of it onto my now grown daughters.
    Food , for me, is my only friend ( or enemy) and most days it is what consoles me and takes me to a place where I don’t have to think about all the things I can’t stand about myself.
    I think by just expressing what you have been through, you are on the right track. I applaud you and wish you the best!

    • Thank you for sharing your story Yael. It’s such a hard way to live – and until I started reading this book, I never realized I could live any differently. Some things that are in the book are really eye opening. I hope that you can find some peace, because really it’s no way to live! Thank you for your comment! ((hugs))

  27. Dorothy – let me first begin with a BIG thank you. We’ve known each other for …22 years, we have some amazing high school memories. As you may or may not know I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life. Our junior/senior year was the thinnest I ever was…up until this point of my life. ( the image of this will haunt me later on…yet I won’t know this until 20 something years later. After I married and had 3 children I could never get rid of the pregnancy weight and end up putting on 160 lbs. In 2010 after seeing myself in what I call my “augh haaa” moment and weighing 297lbs I decide to go through with gastric bypass. On 11/29/10 the day before my 34th birthday weighing 293 lbs I went through with the procedure. While the last 2.5 years have been an uphill battle, the last 9 have been hell. Oct of 2012 I went through plastic surgery to remove the extra skin I had left from losing 143 lbs. The outpatient surgery put me in the hospital fighting for my life, this would the beginning of helll. A follow up with my primary care doctor in december 2012 is where he would diagnose me with an eating disorder…anorexia. I was in denial and contined to lose weight getting all the way down to 139lbs on my 5’5 frame, because I was still not happy and continued to see myself as FAT. My ED spiraled out of control in late May/June of 2013 where I fasted for 4 days. Only weeks before I began to show signs of bilemea as well. Rushed to the local hospital I was told that if I didn’t change and change fast I would lose the battle and pay with my life as damage had already begun. In July I started a semi inpatient program for the eating disorder, lasting only 4 days as I could not cut it, checked myself out. I struggle every week, every day, every hour. While I have tried to hide it from the kids, they are 15, 12 and 10 and my daughter Emma has now begun to think she is fat. At 10 she is still in a booster seat because she is small for her age. At what point did that enter her mind? I must undue the damage that she thinks she is fat. I’m determined to not let my eating disorder dictate the path my life will have, but how I recover from it.

  28. I’m proud of you for sharing your truth. <3

  29. WOW Dorothy! Thank you so much for sharing your heart, for being real, and transparent. You are very courageous to share your struggles…ones that many deal with daily. I know you have been a true inspiration here and are going to impact many lives. I was always ‘chunky’ growing up, but thankfully, had parents who never called me fat. I know you are thankful to have been made aware of how you are reflecting on your precious daughter. May you have the courage to move forward, and away from this kind of worldly thinking, that robs us of the joy of being who God made us to be. We don’t have to fit any molds…just be ‘us’! Best wishes to you Dearie on your journey toward a better you. Hugs!

  30. I think every woman in the world has been there. And now having a daughter, it is SO hard to watch what I say in front of her. I always think…wow…I wish I was as fat as I was when I first thought I was fat. I thought I was fat when I was wearing a size 4 in high school? It’s totally crazy town. Thanks for this post — so brave of you to share. xo

  31. What a powerful, raw, brave post Dorothy! I’d give you a big hug right now if I could. You are an incredible mom! I really have no wisdom to share. But I do know, as a mother to three daughters, I’m always conscious of how I act and what I say around them. Society is definitely weight obsessed, and I know I’m always aware of the extra pounds I gain off and on. I just try to show them an active lifestyle and healthy eating. I know having a mainly dessert blog makes it appear we eat treats constantly, but I only bake twice a week. And usually one of those is for a friend, bible study, etc.

    My first year of blogging I was creating sweets 5 days a week and gained about 15 pounds. Freshman 15 is how I referred to it in my head. When I cut back on the blogging, I was also able to cut back on the dessert making, which helped my in the long run. You, my friend, have a lot on your plate! Be sure to take breaks. Real breaks 🙂 Your stress level needs a break!

    Jordan is lucky to have you! You can’t fake happiness, and every picture I’ve seen you share shows true happiness. And spunk. Keep up the great work!

  32. Dorothy, I’m so proud of you for hitting publish. It’s so not fair that we, as women, have all of this pressure to look a certain way. It’s something that I struggle with, too. I can go to the gym every day of the week, eat healthy and the scale won’t move. Yet, my husband will work out, eat more than me and he loses 5 lb in a week. It drives me crazy! My Mom had an underlying eating disorder and she passed many of her body image issues down to me. If I ever have a little girl, I hope to be like you and shield her away from the F-A-T word.

    • Ugh, I haven’t been successful so far, but I’m going to try now. My husband and I both have to change the way we talk – even little words can be hard on a child. Thank you for sharing Meghan, and for your comment!

  33. This is such an unbelievably honest post that I am afraid too many of us can relate to. I have similar memories of feeling fat at such a young age and always feeling like the day friend (looking back how “fat” could I have possibly been). And those days when I was so much smaller than I am now and still thought I was fat… Yikes!

    I think taking a step back and realizing how distorted our own thinking about ourselves is such a big step in getting just a little bit better. Realizing what is going on with your daughter so early will help you keep her from going down that same road. And she is so adorable I hope she can see that in herself:)

    Thanks for sharing this!

    • Thank you Lauren! I know, when I look back, I cringe. And that’s my goal, to stop the way I think, so that I don’t pass on the cycle. Thank you for sharing your story!

  34. Dorothy,
    Thanks for sharing. It was nice to hear that I am not alone. I did not struggle with an eating disorder. However, I have struggled with my weight and self-confidence for years. I was average weight in high school and college. Then got married, gained 15-20 lbs and then got pregnant. I lost all the baby weight but that 20 lbs is still hanging around. I eat pretty healthy and have found ways to add healthier food to my recipes and make my own foods (like yogurt and English muffins). But I always want dessert and try to have it, just make it healthier. There are so many recipes on pinterest and online to choose from. Also filling up on vegetables makes me less hungry and I actually like vegetables. I have tried to change my lifestyle and not call it a diet. I do eat dessert and try not to feel guilty when I do. I HATE to exercise but do it sometimes. My husband still loves me and thinks I’m beautiful no matter my size so that helps a lot. I also have a daughter and want to show her a positive self-body image. Not quite sure how to do that but I’m working on it.

    • It’s hard, because it’s so much in our heads. We need to get past that point that saying “I suck for eating that cookie” is the norm. I don’t even remember NOT thinking that. I think, for me, that once I can get to that point, my relationship with food will be much better. Thank you for sharing your story!

  35. Omg, are you me?! I have so many of the same thoughts as you do. I don’t really know what to say to this post, apart from thanks for writing it. It’s nice to know that other people out there feel the same! If you ever find a way to silence that hateful voice inside, please share! 🙁

    • I’m going to try hard Becca! The book, Almost Anorexia, has opened my eyes to so many things. Little ways of life and little things in my head that I thought were normal…but aren’t. The main point is that the voice in your head, the call him Ed, needs to be banished. And that’s what I’m hoping to do!

  36. This was a truly amazing post! It was so brave and wonderful of you to post this, and I’m so glad that you did. I think body image and weight images is something that so many women struggle with on a daily basis, and I am NO exception. My husband and I just came back from vacation (where I had to wear a bathing suit), and during our vacation, I kept saying to my husband how uncomfortable I was in my bathing suit and that I look so bloated and my cellulite looks awful. I mean…this isn’t something I should be even considering while on vacation, but I was. It’s such an awful feeling, and I know all to well that we are our own worst critiques. I eat healthy, I exercise regularly and I DO indulge sometimes, but I still feel this way. I try to tell myself that I look fine, I’m healthy and I should be thankful for what I’ve got, but it’s just downright hard sometimes.

    I read this blog post on body image last week, and I keep reminding myself of this when those evil thoughts pop into my head. I thought you might appreciate it…

  37. Dorothy,thank you so much for sharing this post. You are incredibly amazing and brave, and you’re an exceptional mother. I can relate to nearly everything in this post (I couldn’t even be “as good of an anorexic” as you were. I always felt like I was too weak to give up food.) My self esteem and body image are also not at all what they need to be and whenever people accuse me of being skinny I just assure myself that they have no clue what I look like under these clothes. I’m going to try to use this post to inspire myself to, like you, develop a better relationship with myself and my body. Thank you so much for sharing, I’m here with you girl. <3

    • Thank you Kayle, and thank you for sharing your story. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and I hope that you can think so too some day. It’s good to know we’re not alone in all this! ((hugs))

  38. I can definitely feel your honesty and bravery in this post. We all have that one insecurity, whether it’s body image, not being good enough, not being the smartest person, etc. Mine is worrying about what other people think. I mean, it sounds silly but when I’m in the moment to do what I want and not worry about others, it’s tough. It’s almost to the point of being embarrassed to be me. I’m trying to change my mindset, that every time I think about others, I tell myself either I will never see them again or I’m doing nothing wrong or I’m just simply being me. Thank you for putting yourself out there. Although I don’t share the same feelings about body image, I do share the same feelings in another way. I wish you the best of luck and encouragement (you can do this!) for you and Jordan.

  39. Wow! I have the same voice in my head. The voice that says “you’re ugly”, “you’re fat”; “you’re stupid”; “you’re…….”. I have to have a physical every two years for my pilot certificate and have to talk myself into going even though flying is a huge passion. Why?? The scale! I’m afraid of that NUMBER! It doesn’t matter that the Doctor tells me that I’m healthy. I should be happy that I’m healthy. And I am, but that little voice pops up and starts to berate because I’m not 130lbs. I applaud you for putting your words and thoughts out for us to read. Your daughter will benefit from your words. Thank-you!

    • I haven’t had a physical in three years for that exact reason. I don’t want them to weigh me. They are for sure going to tell me I need to lose weight, because I do, really. But I just can’t bring myself to make that appointment. Thank you so much for your kind words Sharon!

  40. Your story was so inspirational and very open! Thank you so much for inspiring and being real. Thank you for reminding me, a mom of three girls how i should act and what I should portray around them! Hats off to you girl!! I wish I had some all powerful words to help you but I know only from my own experience that the change can happen in an instant or in time. I had a light bulb moment about 9 yrs ago. That day I changed the way I ate and thought about food. I thankful even today to still have those views! Thank you for the encouragement and as I said in my email I am proud of you!

  41. Dorothy – I’m so sorry that you go through this. I can definitely relate to almost everything that you are saying although I would never be able to put it into words as you have. You are so incredibly brave and I’m sure this post will help many women and daughters out there. Stay strong. You truly are beautiful!!

  42. Thank you for sharing such a moving and honest post. It very much resonated with me and I’m sure many others. I’ve been through similar experiences and still struggle today, always trying to lose the last 10-15 lbs yet even when I weighed less and only had the last 5 lbs to lose, it was still never good enough and I always saw my flaws, not my successes. I’ve run a marathon, several half marathons and even been on a fitness infomercial for losing 30 lbs and keeping it off – yet at no time during any of those experiences did I feel “thin” or “good enough”. I look back now and could kick myself for not celebrating who I was and what I had accomplished. I think some of it is cultural (for me) and some gender-based as we’re taught to be modest and not brag about ourselves. But celebrating the good things about ourselves isn’t bragging, it’s affirmation. I’m glad you’ve come to the realization about banishing that negative self-talk. You know Dorothy would never talk to Jordan that way so Dorothy shouldn’t talk to Dorothy that way. Hugs to you – you’re an amazing mother, person, blogger AND baker.

    • I love this ” You know Dorothy would never talk to Jordan that way so Dorothy shouldn’t talk to Dorothy that way.” That is SO true, and I need to live by that. Thank you so much for your kind words!

  43. It’s amazing how many of us feel as you do, Dorothy. I thought it was just me. I see all these skinny gorgeous bloggers and think, “How am I supposed to meet them looking like I do and them looking like they do?” Thanks for your bravery and opening up to us. We are all way too hard on ourselves and need to be kind to ourselves.

  44. Dorothy, I see why you were scared to publish this but I’m so glad that you did. Every single word you wrote resonates so deeply with me. I actually got chills reading this because I’ve felt the same way at one point or another (and lately, this seems to be my internal dialogue on repeat). Being a woman in North America is so damn hard. Not only because we still aren’t worth as much as our male counterparts, but also because we’re judged and valued by how we look. We see gorgeous stick thin women everywhere we look because the media tells us that’s what beauty is. My family’s body type is exactly how you describe yours: stocky, built, and prone to weight around the stomach. My family also has high cholesterol, high blood pressure and type II diabetes, so I can see the future that my food blogging, my overeating, and my lack of exercise is bringing me towards. I’m by no means overweight. I know that. But I feel fat and lazy. People tell me I’m thin. It doesn’t matter when I don’t feel like I’m healthy. When I grab my stomach flab all the time and tell myself that I’m disgusting. When I’ve made something for my blog and I end up eating it all by myself, usually when my husband isn’t home so that he won’t see what I’m doing. It’s terrible. I’m glad that you’re reading the book and that it’s helping you. And I’m sure you’re raising your beautiful daughter to be strong, confident and smart, while giving her love and support when others try to bring her down with their hurtful words. My niece is 5 years old and stick thin. She apparently told her mom that she only wants to wear “skinny” clothes because if the clothes aren’t tight, she’ll look fat. She’s only 5 years old, for God’s sake! But that’s what she sees the other girls wearing and that’s apparently what kids in kindergarten talk about. Terrifying! Anyways, I’ve rambled on long enough here. Thank you for posting this, Dorothy. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your words so much and that I’m supporting you. BIg hugs!

    • Thank you for your words and sharing your story Nancy! This “When I’ve made something for my blog and I end up eating it all by myself, usually when my husband isn’t home so that he won’t see what I’m doing.” is so me. When he is home, I feel guilty that I have a second dessert. When he’s not, I eat it anyway and then hate myself for it.

      Oh, and 5 year olds. It’s so sad. Jordan got called fat for the first time when she was 6. 6!!!! It’s so sad what our culture does to women these days.

  45. This, “I’m also going to tell the 10 year old fat girl in the mirror to get the f$*! out of my head. It’s about time she found something better to do.” Tell her every single day and she will eventually leave you alone.

    It has taken a whole lot of years, but I’m slowly learning that confidence in yourself is every bit as beautiful (sometimes more so) than a great looking body. I remind myself of that all the time. Stand tall and speak the words that you want to believe. I do realize how incredibly cheesy that sounds, but it works.

    I love that you shared so much of yourself and your struggles. Your daughter will see the changes you are making and she will grow up wiser for watching you.

    • I totally believe that, that confidence is more beautiful than body. I have always wanted that, and I want it for my daughter. I’m hoping I can work towards it. Thank you so much Mary, for your words and advice!

  46. I was this way in colllege, too.. before then… I was a ballerina and a model.. with POLISH genes. That means BIG boned and curvy… even at the height of my eating disorder I never, ever got even CLOSE to that triangle, because my body cannot get that small. at 5’8″… `130was small… and I wore it effortlessly… until I had my son.. now I cannot hope, according to my dr to get past 160 without being sick.. and I remember that all I heard is “challenge accepted” … my BF and I are on a weight loss program and exercising to Insanity and I fight relapses.. once you are you ever will be on the spectrum, I’ve found.. just like those who attend AA or NA or whatever. It is all unhealthy coping mechanisms. That is why I’m trying to teach my child that he is fine the way he is.. chunky.. thin.. whatever. And he reminds me I’m beautiful in his eyes no matter what,because I’m his mom.

    • It is very much like an addiction. Once you have the voice, it never goes away, from what I’m finding. I’ll think I kicked it to the curb and it just comes back. I hope to teach Jordan that too, because it’s so important! Thank you Jenn for sharing your story!

  47. Thanks for publishing this Dorothy! I think there are a lot of women that feel the same way. I know I do. I was never happy with my body but it has gotten much worse since I had my son 2 years ago. Then I started blogging and I can’t stop eating the desserts I make. My problem is that I start a diet and I start losing weight. Once I have lost about 5 pounds, I start to stray from the diet and ultimately gain that right back. It is a never ending cycle. I am not overweight but I always feel like I am. I know my problem is willpower, I have no willpower to stop eating. Once I start, I binge and can’t stop. I don’t have any answers for you, but wanted you to know that there are others in the same boat. I think that trying to be a good example for your daughter will help. I think if you try to change your actions for your daughter maybe slowly your mindset will start to change. I also think hitting publish is a big step in that direction too. Thanks again for sharing!

    • Thank you Alyssa, for sharing your story! Ah, willpower. I have none either. And it only makes the voice in my head stronger. That’s why I think I need to work on the voice before I work on food. If the voice is always telling me I’m a failure, I’ll always fail. I hope I can be stronger than that!. Thank you again! ((hugs))

  48. The scariest part about having children in the future is accidentally passing to them my hate for my body, my disorder with food, and my low self-esteem. I think you’re amazing for choosing to take charge and not do that to your daughter- teach her that her body is awesome because of all of the things it can do- kick a soccer ball, jump, flex, cartwheel. Good luck.

  49. Bravo. I applaud your guts in putting out there-what so many others have been living with as well. You are not alone! And you are WONDERFUL!

  50. Big hugs to you Dorthy. I think every women struggles with this topic no matter how thin we are or large. It so important for us to remember to love ourselves just the way we are, I’m so thankful you stepped out of your comfort zone to speak on a topic that effects so many of us and our children. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

  51. First of all, I love your blog but rarely comment. Just wanted to applaud you for sharing this. I know how difficult it can be to share this struggle, one I think a lot of us have been through – I started my blog in an effort to come to terms with my own eating disorder, and now 4 years later it has evolved into something that is able to help others. As you can see from the outpouring of support, you are making a difference. xoxox Lynn P.S. Your Growing Pains/90210 references have sent me down a YouTube hole.

    • Ha! You’re welcome for the YouTube Saturday morning. 🙂

      Thank you so much for your words Lynn!

    • wow. love your recipes very much but i also rarely comment. however your post today is giving me chills as i read it because i identify with so many things that you touched on. you are very brave and i had to thank you for having the braveness to post this moving private incident today with your blog followers. i also struggle with my weight but the main thing is just to do our best each look happy and healthy and that is the main thing.

  52. Dorothy, thank you for being so beautifully transparent! This is an area that so many of us can relate too! I also struggle with the same thoughts and feelings. I try so hard to never speak of weight or my own body image issues in front of my kids. It is terrifying that so many grade school girls already have feelings of inadequacy because of their size. I truly appreciate your honesty and openness. {{HUGS}}

  53. This brought tears to my eyes because it’s so similar to the way I view my own body. I was the fat girl in gym class too – I remember feeling to big and heavy because of my peers’ comments to even try to climb the rope. Things eventually evened out, and I lost 25 lbs after college. When I put 10-15 back on, I felt like a failure too. In fact, I still do. Even now when people tell me I look great, I mentally scoff at what liars they are. I’ve been trying to change that view for years, with very little success.

    This is something that needs to be spoken about because it affects so many children, teens, and women. You’re so brave for sharing this – thank you!

    • You “mentally scoff at what liars they are” – that is SO me. When my husband tells me I’m beautiful, I hear “I’m telling you that because I’m your husband and I have to think it.” Thank you for sharing your story Allison. ((Hugs))

  54. Dorothy, this is so well written. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I think that you are wise and brave and amazing and a great role model for mothers of daughters everywhere. Jorden is lucky to have you. That said, I think that one of the reasons I consider you such a friend is because I can so easily relate to what you write. I so often feel that I am failing as a wife/mom/friend/blogger/etc. And usually at all of them at once. I wish that we could both evict the voices in our heads that tell us those things and instead invite in a kinder voice, someone who is more like a friend, someone who would say things we would say to each other. Anyway. Thank you for your honesty, this was something I needed to read.

    • That’s so true Lisa – that we should have a kind voice, the voice of a friend in our heads. We can’t feel like failures all the time, that is no way to live! Thank you so much for everything, and for being my friend. I heart you. xoxo

  55. Hugs to you Dorothy!! I know it’s very hard to write such a personal post and I’m glad you shared it – I’m sure many women can relate! I’ve never had an eating disorder, but I am overweight and struggle with wanting to lose weight but feeling rebellious about it because I don’t like feeling deprived. One thing I love about the blogosphere is that you can open up and find so much support and encouragement when sometimes it’s too hard to get that courage to talk to people about it in “real life”. I think you look absolutely beautiful just the way you are and I pray that one of these days you can learn to believe that!

  56. Dorothy 🙁 You just made me cry. You are such a beautiful, amazing woman and I know for a fact that you are an incredible mom. As a blogger, girl, you rock my world. You are so incredibly courageous to share your story – truly. You’re kind of making me glad I have two boys right now – I can’t stand mean girls. I think your focus of making Jordan feel good and happy in her skin is amazing and learning how to feel the same in your skin is definitely how to do it. Now go have a brownie – you deserve it!

    • I’m sorry Trish! I think you’ve cried too many tears lately. 🙂 Thank you, and mean girls scare me so much. Now I hope I can learn to be happy in my skin. That’s my next step. 🙂 xx

  57. Dorothy, I am So glad you decided to publish this post. I have ALWAYS felt chubby. My mother was constantly telling me to suck in my stomach as a kid, and that has stuck with me my entire life. I never feel “as good as” Even at 117 pounds I felt chubby, and now I look back and wonder what I was thinking. I would give anything to be even close to that now. I do not want to pass this on to Stella, who at 5’5 weighs 100 pounds, but because she is bigger than ALL of her friends feels “fat”. She looks at the tags and when she sees extra large she almost cries. She doesn’t get that it’s extra large because she is TALL. AS women and girls, we are constantly comparing ourselves to what we see in magazines and on TV. I put off buying new clothes because I’m not thin enough. But I LOVE food – reading about, cooking, and of course eating. Dieting will NOT work for me, and I have NO willpower. I think we all need to love and appreciate our bodies for what they can do instead of what they don’t look like. Deep down I KNOW this, I just need to believe it. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • I need to believe that too Heather. It’s something we ALL need to believe in. We are NOT a number and a size. Your story about Stella breaks my heart because clothes shopping with Jordan this year was so hard. I could see her being critical of herself; see her looking at sizes. It sucks, and we have to learn to love ourselves for who we are. Thank you Heather! ((hugs))

  58. Dorothy, Thank you for sharing this post. It was so honest. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I always struggle with my weight and my body image. No matter my weight, I always feel fat and “gross”. Jude always gets frustrated with me when I complain about it. I try not to mention it in front of the girls, do comment a lot in front of him. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there.

    • Same here, Mel almost doesn’t even respond anymore, because it’s like I’m on repeat, constantly. I’ve known for years how unhealthy it is, and now I want it to end. Wouldn’t it be good to live in a place where we can look in the mirror and love what we see? ((hugs)) to you, thank you for being a friend!

  59. This is such an important post Dorothy. I’m so glad you wrote this. I’m sure most of are experiencing these feelings right now and if not most have gone through this at some point in our lives. How horrible that the society has us feeling like we have to be stick thin in order to be accepted. I know even when I’ve been my slimmest, I’ve looked in the mirror and picked apart everything about myself. How much time have I wasted on negative thoughts about my body? I try to be very careful not to ever speak poorly of myself in front my girls, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think it. And I know one day my girls will feel the pressure too, but I don’t want it to ever come from me. I know beauty comes from the inside and I know it doesn’t matter to those around me if I’m skinny or not, but it’s hard to separate our self worth with your jean size. This was a good reminder that we are all more than what our scale says. We are funny, talented, strong, loving, caring, smart beautiful people!

    • That is so true, that it is hard to separate size and self-worth. And the nitpicking, oh man. No matter what! Thank you so much for your words – we are all of those things and we need to remember that. 🙂

  60. Wow. This is such an inspiring post. I feel like you stole the words from my mind. I was always the chubby one of my friends and have done several of the same things. It is such a battle to find body happiness, even today half the days of the week I still will only have shakes for dinner and my hubby complains I don’t eat with him.

    I am so glad you wrote this, maybe I will get my head on straight for when my daughter grows up.

    Thank you for saying what so many of us haven’t. You are an amazing person-inside and out!

  61. Thank you! I know most women can relate to your story in one way or another. It is brave of you to share.

  62. Girl, you are gorgeous and you are so good at what you do. I love your sarcastic sense of humor and I know it brightens peoples days just from reading your posts. I know it is hard to see in ourselves what others see, but I really think you look dang good!

  63. I think you just articulated what millions of woman feel every day but are too ashamed or scared to say. I struggle with my weight as well…from being a bulky athlete, to an underweight under-eater and now, to a body that may be what people consider normal, but to what I consider “fat” and “not what I know I should look like.” It is a struggle every day…do I eat healthy or do I eat what will make me happy? I am still in the search for middle ground, but i agree that acceptance of who you are is a major step towards recovery.

  64. Hello Dorothy… it may have already been said by others, but this really is a very brave and honest post, and it is very kind of you to share this with everyone. This particularly touched a part of me, not only because I can relate, but because of something that conincidently happened to me today. I won’t bore you with years of detail but basically I have an eating disorder, I have anorexia. I was diagnosed when I was 13 years old and tomorrow, I will be 24 years old – I’ve already lost a decade of my life. A few years ago I developed a growing interest in baking. I have not eaten any of the cakes, cookies, brownies, anything, that I have made over the years – not one thing 🙁 Today a cakey-friend invited me to her house, she knows about my struggles but proposed that she make a birthday cake for me. I have not eaten a piece of cake since before I developed this illness, so 11+ years… anyway, she made a fat-free angel cake for me. I was so touched and did not want to offend her so for the first time ever, I tried some cake, I only had a mouthful but for me, it felt like a buffet-load of calories and food. It’s nothing to shout about but it I guess it is an achievement for me. I’m glad I did for her, it made her so happy. I feel terrible now and cried after I left her house. Then to come home and read this, well, the water works are back on again… I do not know where I am really going with all of this – but I just wanted to thank you, for opening up, for being honest and for reaching out to help others, most importantly, Jordan. You are not a bad mum in the slightest, you have not failed at all. You have achieved so much and succeeded in ways which no one could even dream about doing so. I am sure Jordan is nothing but proud of you. Thank you for being you – you are nothing short of amaxing xXx

    • Sorry – I didn’t mean to write so much 🙁 and also, I meant ‘amazing’ not amaxing -x-

    • Oh, Francesca, thank you so much for reading and commenting. That bite? That is your one step on the road to recovery. Do you have help? A therapist? Please, consider finding someone if not. You can email me any time too, Don’t wait- you don’t have to live your life like this. My situation is different, but I have spent 20 years hating the way I look, hating me. That is a long time – and to think of all that I could have been doing instead. I’m here if you need an ear. ((hugs))

    • Francesca, I hope you don’t mind if I jump in here real quick, only because I have been in that exact place as you, where that bite of cake/cookies/etc feels like an entire plateful. I suffered anorexic-tendencies for about 15 years of my life, and those are years that I will never get back. I too started when I was 13, and it continued into my 20’s. I want to commend you on that first bite, but the true question is, how did you feel about it after you took that bite? It sounds like a lot of guilt and negative thoughts. I want you to know that you don’t have to live this way where food is the enemy. I too found a passion in baking, and it helped me to feel good about myself and to also enjoy all sorts of foods, whether they were healthy or not.
      I hope you know that you have the power within yourself to turn this around. You get to control your own life… that is the beauty of the life we’re given. We get to say “yes, I’m going to eat dinner tonight, and no, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m going to go for a walk afterwards to move my body, and that will make me happy.” YOU choose the direction your thoughts go. You choose what to fill your mind with. Do you choose positivity and life? And to follow all of this up, I do believe that there are times where our minds need help from a therapist or eating disorder treatment. If you are not able to choose life and health, I do invite you to email me and I can help you to get in touch with someone in your area to talk with if you want to make that strong, important, and life-changing step toward health. My email is
      Take care Francesca!

  65. Thanks for sharing this. I wish I couldn’t relate, but I can. When you figure out how to quiet your brain and realize how perfect you are as you, please let us know 🙂

    • Oh Amy, I don’t know how I’m going to do it. But I do suggest the book. I’m still reading it, but there are several suggestions and ways to stop the behaviors and the voice. I’m going to try that, and possibly get help too. Good luck, and thank you so much for your comment!

  66. you know it’s funny…I read your post and thought, “Wait-This can’t be the woman I’m thinking of…” I had to go back and look at your picture. I’ve always thought you were so lovely so to hear you call yourself fat and read how you feel about yourself didn’t make sense. I will admit that at first I was angry at you,”How dare SHE call herself fat! She doesn’t even know what FAT is!” And I found myself feeling super bad about my own weight (I am actually fat comparatively) but then I realized something that has completely changed me…That horrible and destructive, even debilitating insecurity has NOTHING to do with size or shape or even fat. It has to do with how we as a woman see the value -or lack thereof- inside of ourselves. Fat and food are easy to blame since many of us will NEVER be as skinny as the women lauded as “Beautiful” in our society, but nor should we be. THAT is unhealthy. Until we take of our blinders and redefine ourselves in terms that really do matter, we won’t ever be happy.
    Thank you so much for helping me see that! Good luck to you and to Jordan- REALLY you are both beautiful.

  67. A truly great post. Well done. Good luck going forward – paradoxically I didn’t lose weight until I stopped trying. One day I just gave up on the idea and decided that all that mattered was not to put on any more weight – and now 3 years later with only small diet changes (mainly smaller portions), eating whatever I want and no exercise I am over 40 pounds lighter. and I get on the scales and am happy every day that I have not put on weight! Makes a change from beating up on myself for being chunky every day like I used to !

  68. I am a relatively new reader of your blog, but I’ve been enjoying it and look forward to it daily. I rarely post comments on blogs, but your post really struck me, and I feel proud of you (is this possible without actually knowing you?) for coming to these realizations. My “aha” moment came a little over three years ago when I read the book “Hungry” about the model, Crystal Renn. It really gave me a lot of perspective on my weight and being happy with my body; it really was a turning point. Best of luck to you!

  69. Oh beautiful girl, you’re incredibly brave to share this with us. You’re not alone, know that there are so many of us with similar struggles and it doesn’t make you any less of a mom, wife, friend, blogger, or person. You are incredible in every way and your new goals for yourself and for Your daughter are wonderful and totally achieve able. Don’t you dare give up, we are all supporting you!!

  70. ((((Hugs)))) What a powerful blog. You are a brave and beautiful lady. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

  71. Great job, friend 🙂

  72. God Bless You, Dorothy <3
    Looks like you've touched the hearts of many women with your honesty.
    Thank you, too, for being such a caring mother to your daughter. Our world needs more women like you =)

    P.s. I very much relate to everything you wrote. I'm working to incorporate Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God book philosophy into my life.

  73. Can I just say that Jordan has an amazing mom?! You are amazing!

  74. Oh Dorothy, thank you for posting this. While my story is a bit different, my feelings are the same. I’ve always struggled with my weight, felt inadequate in my own skin, and wanted to be something/someone different than who I am. Those extra pounds can weigh a person down in so many ways. It’s in situations like this that I am so glad I’m the mother to a boy (who fortunately shares his father’s tall and lanky genes), and I don’t have to worry about all of that mean girl cattiness Jordan’s already had to deal with, or passing on my own inadequacies. But I do know this: you are an amazing mom, an amazing person, and a strong woman…and Jordan’s lucky to have you.


  75. Oh Dorothy, thank you for posting this. While my story is a bit different, my feelings are the same. I’ve always struggled with my weight, felt inadequate in my own skin, and wanted to be something/someone different than who I am. Those extra pounds can weigh a person down in so many ways. It’s in situations like this that I am so glad I’m the mother to a boy (who fortunately shares his father’s tall and lanky genes), and I don’t have to worry about all of that mean girl cattiness Jordan’s already had to deal with, or passing on my own inadequacies. But I do know this: you are an amazing mom, an amazing person, and a strong woman…and Jordan’s lucky to have you.

  76. I hardly ever comment on blogs, but your heartfelt post really touched me. I’m quite a bit older than you (58) and always thought of myself so fat in school compared to the “beautiful people”. I wore a size 11/12 in high school and was so fat compare to those wearing 3/4 and 5/6. Years later I almost died trying to get to that size. People in high school called me Dolly Parton because of my long blonde hair and big boobs. But I sure didn’t have Dolly’s tiny waist. After having my 2 children, I topped out the scale at 169 and was horrified. I went on a liquid diet (3 shakes per day only) for a TOTAL of 330 calories per day. The scale almost flew to 115 and a size 4 but the next thing I know, I was passed out on the floor at my office. I was admitted to the hospital with irregular heartbeats and a number of other problems. I was slowly put back on solid foods and with my wrecked metabolism, I would gain at the rate of 2-3 pounds per day. From that point on I would never try another diet. I steadily gained until I leveled out at about 250. Then I had my first knee replacement and the doctor broke my leg on accident. I was age 50 at the time. I piled on another 25 pounds during recovery that stayed with me. Then at age 57, I had to have the other knee replaced. Add on another 15 pounds and there I was a giant blob at 290.

    In October 2011, a MRI showed bulging discs, so between my knees and my back, exercise was impossible. My doctor wanted to send me to a bariatric surgeon for gastric bypass. I rebelled but told him to send me to a dietician instead. On October 20, 2011, I started my new lifestyle journey. I saw the dietician, joined the Y (for water aerobics and free lap swim only. I set my goal to cut my weight in half 290/145. I joined and started logging my foods religiously. I’ve never missed a day of logging my food. Today I weigh 146, just 1 pound away from my goal weight. I plan on losing that last pound hopefully this month or at least before I turn 59 in September. I still continue to see my dietician every month. I may decide to lose another 10 pounds, which is the lowest my dietician recommends for me. I swim daily and I walk 10-15 miles everyday.

    If there is any way that I could be of help to you, I gladly offer my services. Also, I love your recipes and try them out on my parents all the time. They are my food guinea pigs as I have been a foodie for years and love cooking. I always at least snitch a small piece which keeps me from bingeing on things I shouldn’t be eating. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a strong person to do that. I wish the very best to you in the future.

  77. Beautiful post Dorothy! You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I can relate to every word. I have struggled with my weight and image issues my entire life , it’s hard. Sometimes we feel like we are alone feeling that way. It’s nice to hear from others like you that we all deal with these issues. I’m still struggling with the food blogger 15, which for me is more like 30. I envy the ones that can eat whatever and not gain weight. I look at a cookie and I gain 5 pounds. I know many can relate to this and I give you such kudos for sharing this story so many of us deal with.

  78. Thank you for sharing that with us. I have struggled with my weight since my 20’s. I’d lose, then gain it right back again. I call myself fat all the time. To make it worse, I love to bake and eat cookies. Growing up Italian is not helpful either, always bread on the table. Now, I have thyroid issues (actually no thyroid) which makes it real hard to lose weight. Reading your blog today, made me, and I am sure so many other people realize that we are not alone.

    Love your blog!!!

    • Thank you Donna! I’m realizing more than ever after the outpouring on this post, that we are not alone. This is not something we should have to live with or feel about ourselves! Thank you for sharing!

  79. I’m so glad you wrote it! Hostly, it’s like reading my own story. I can definitely understand that stupid voice inside. I hope you will figure out how to shut her the hell up and tell me! Because mine is a loud bitch that has been done one in my head since I was like 8. I grew up in a society that’s obsessed with beauty and no one is overweight. You know you hear about the beautifu Russian women and I feel like I’ve let representing my country down. Also hearing mom and grandma say “you sure you want to eat that?” is less than pleasant.
    Enough about me. I wish that I could tell you what we all see when we look at you and make you believe it but Ihave a ffeeling that you will just smile but think the opposite. It’s the loud mouth in your head. dont listen to herandno matter what she says, you ARE beautiful and in no way fat!
    I applaud you for sharing your honest thoughts and hopefully, now that you said it “out loud” it will help you with all your goals to accept yourself! After all, unless you see yourself in a mirror and feel happy it won’t matter how many people tell you that you are beautiful. I do hope that you will see what we see very soon and feel the inner peace! It’s hard to help the little ones feel happy when you cry eating a cookie 🙂 I should know, my skinny minny sister says she is fat and it kills me! (she’s seen me eat a cookie and cry way too many times.) Good luck with those goals!
    Love, Lyuba! (I’m sorry about the typos, I’m supposedto be uunplugged today, but I snuck away on my phone 🙂 )

    • Thank you Lyuba. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m going to try so hard to silence that voice – and you can too. Thanks for being a friend! I appreciate you. ((hugs))

  80. Girl you GEAUX!!! This blog could so be me. But, the most important thing is that you have come to a conclusion that it is about you and not a number but how you feel. I am proud of you. I have a son that is six years old and is in a size ten, He is big and solid. Yes he was bullied at school and called a “fat pig”. We are dealing. I want him to feel good at this age and not walk the path that I did. I have all the same issues that you have. I have lost 105 pounds and have kept it off since 2010. I have learned that you take the good and the bad. I thought it was about a number on the scale too. The lower the better. This past January after looking at a picture someone took of me at 5′ 4″ and 118 pounds I looked horrible. I now too realize that it is not a number but how you feel and look. And if you have a treat not to kill yourself working out and/or beat yourself up. I do want to give you a website that I have learned a lot about. It is Coach Calorie. Check it out! Love the blog and thanks for sharing. 🙂

    • Thank you Heather, and thank you for sharing your story. I can’t believe your son is being bullied with those words. It’s so sad! And thanks for the website, I’ll check it out!

  81. You got me girl. Bravo for getting this out. You are gorgeous and fabulous. You motivate people to make your wonderful recipes and share them with their families. That’s the kind of ‘healthy’ we need to share more often. xo Libby

  82. Much admiration to you Dorothy for sharing! So many people struggle with this. Several of my dear friends have had eating disorders since they were young as well. One who is heavy on my mind currently as she has regressed due to emotional difficulties.

    Below is a link of an interesting read…having 2 daughters I worry about this as well…

    Mean girls…I will never understand them! The happiness of our life depends upon the quality of our thoughts. What are means girls thinking!?! Scary!!

    You are gorgeous Dorothy and you shine!! I wish you much strength and joy in this journey and that you wake up every morning believing it will be the best day of your life! And…thank you for bringing people happiness through your gift of your creations!


  83. I am so glad you decided to share this! I don’t think there is anyone in the world who doesn’t think about their body. I definitely relate to many of the things you said, and have struggled with some of the same issues. Always remember, you are your biggest critic, and you can look any way you want to if you work at it!

  84. Thank you so much for sharing this, Dorothy! While it can be difficult to share something so personal, it’s helped me do some much needed self-reflection. I know it’s a long process after so many years of negative thinking but I respect and admire you for your willingness to be open and share! Much love and hugs!

  85. Girl, thank YOU for this. The fact that you were willing to share this shows what a strong and brave woman you are. I’ve also realized that what I need most is not to lose weight but to lose my negative attitude of myself. Because losing weight? It doesn’t satisfy. It feels good for awhile, but even though I’m at the weight that I thought would make me so happy 6 years ago, I STILL want to lose more. It’s never enough. You’re exactly right–until we silence the voice in our heads that’s telling us we’re not thin or pretty enough, we’ll never feel satisfied and content in our own skin. And THANK YOU for stating that it doesn’t help when people tell you you’re not fat, you look great, etc. I can KNOW cognitively that I’m not overweight but it doesn’t change the way I FEEL about my body. Let’s kick that nasty voice to the curb and start loving the bodies we’ve been given!

  86. I feel very maternal towards you reading this post, and wish I could give you a big hug and share some tears.
    My story in a nutshell…
    When I was a child I NEVER thought about food, other than enjoying it, eating when I was hungry and stopping when I wasn’t. Then I went through puberty and my mom told me I needed to go on a diet. All of the sudden I was self-focused and food-focused. It was a ball and chain. Nevermind that starting high school I was almost 5’6′ and weighed 119….it didn’t matter because my mom told me I needed to diet and she knew what was best. I know my mom meant no harm and had her own issues, but the damage was done, and there was no turning back. I still struggle with image issues and I am a GRANDMA! Sheesh. All I know is, It helps tremendously to focus outside myself. I have come to view the food/weight focus as self-absorption and a waste of precious time.
    You are courageous to share your feelings and help others in the process. XOXO, Sue

    • Thank you for sharing you story Sue. It’s amazing what one sentence will do. I like your idea – that the focus is a waste of time. I hope to think that way, and find something better to do!

  87. Thank you for this. You just wrote my thoughts for the past year on one post and it really hit home. Never be nervous to post your thoughts….you help open the eyes of more people than you can even know!

  88. Thanks for sharing your story and being so brave! I can relate to everything you said and it makes me sad to think of how many other women can relate too. One thing I have to mention is not only do we have to worry about our girls but our boys are just as impacted. I already see it in my 10 year-old son when he worries that he’s fat. It’s a big job as a parent to give our kids the proper tools to feel good about themselves. Let’s hope we both do a good job! 🙂

    • Totally. I think boys almost have it harder – we all think it’s a “girl” thing. It’s so difficult for them too! Thank you Liz, your comment means so much to me!

  89. I am a new reader and have never commented on a blog before but I just wanted to say that this post really touched me. I love how you mentioned that eating disorders are a spectrum. It has been so hard for me to admit that I have struggled with bulimia, and overeating because I was never as bad as what you see in the Lifetime “Dying To _____” movies. I have struggled with body image/self esteem & feeling fat my entire adult life, a behavior I learned from my mother who still struggles with her issues also. I want so desperately to break the cycle before my beautiful and precious daughter begins to feel about herself the way that I always have. We have a Celebrate Recovery group at my church that I have volunteered with off & on for several years because of my codependency issues (a whole other set to deal with). It is a Christ centered 12 step recovery program for all kinds of “hurts, habits, & hang ups”….they are about to start a new step study and I have been on the fence about doing it, but your article was a blessing in that it has shown me that I need to get off the fence and commit to doing this so that I can shut that mean girl voice inside my head up. I urge you to look into finding something that will help you to heal the hurt inside. I think we both know how hard it is to it all by ourselves. I have wanted to start blogging myself for over a year, but have been afraid of what would happen if I am baking every day. Hopefully I can get this delt with and we can both celebrate new, healthier attitudes about our bodies in the future! And maybe a new blog for me too! Thank you so much for sharing with us! I will be praying for you!

    • Thank you Maggie, for sharing your story. I am so glad that this post helped you make that decision! It is hard to do it alone, and I know that I’m going to have to get outside help. Otherwise, I’m afraid I won’t succeed. Thank you so much for this comment. ((hugs))

  90. Hi Dorothy,

    I know exactly what you are talking about. And honestly, I know it may feel like you are alone, but the more I talk to people, women mostly, the more I realize that this is so common. People who I thought were skinny and beautiful and “had it all” felt the same way I did about myself.

    I remember it was in 1st grade when I first realized I was bigger than the rest of my friends. At 70 lbs I was hearty, and my dainty friends were 50lbs or less. I was completely normal at that age. It wasn’t until 6th grade where I really started gaining weight, but I always carried with me the belief that I was “fat” and “ugly.” I remember my parents even tried to get me to go on a diet. They never told me I was fat, but the implication was there. I didn’t realize how harmful that was until I became an adult. I wanted to be skinny so having my parents want that too, didn’t really phase me at the time.

    It’s been three years since my life has changed. And I assure you, when you finally accept yourself and it “clicks” it is utterly life changing. Now granted, I definitely feel like a lot of my “breakthrough” was spiritual as I was at a prayer meeting when I first came to the realization, but I remember sitting there and all of the sudden it just “clicked.” No one, in the whole world, not my worst enemy, would ever treat me the way I treat myself. At that moment, it sunk in – not in my head, but in my heart. I vowed from that day forward I would never talk to myself negatively again. And I haven’t.

    I’ll tell you it hasn’t always been easy. There are days I “feel” fat or I “feel” ugly, but I am not allow to say it. I say, “that is a feeling, and that is for today. This will pass. I’m not ugly and I’m not fat.” Because that is the truth. I wasn’t fat. You aren’t fat.

    And it got easier and easier. It got to the point where I could even say “nice” things about myself. Something I was NEVER, ever, able to do before. Areas, I used to hate – I now find “cute.” It’s insane to me to think of how far I’ve come. When you can love yourself, that’s when things start to change. I’ve lost weight. Without even really trying. And when I gain a litttle weight, sometimes I still have to work through it. “It’s okay. I’m still beautiful. You loved yourself when you were heavier than this, you can love yourself now.” Because when I start going down that self destructive path that’s when things start to get dark again.

    You have the right idea. I totally starts with loving and accepting yourself first. It won’t always be easy, but it comes with a decision to stick to it. No matter what. You are not alone and you CAN do this. I’m really proud of you for opening up.

    As for your daughter, I wish my parents would have focused more on instilling the importance of healthy food because it makes me “stronger” or “faster” or “smarter” or whatever it was that was interesting to me at the time. Instead of focusing on limiting the amount of “bad” food cookies, etc that I ate. Just my two cents.

    I’m rooting for you. 🙂


    • Thank you Natalie. You give me hope that I can do it! And I’m totally going to re-evaluate the way we talk about food in our house. We are the poster children for “bad” foods. I was “Bad” at dinner or I was “good” today so I can have dessert. That is not a good way to model food – and I don’t want Jordan to grow up that way. Thank you so much for your experience, and for your comment!

  91. Oh Dorothy. You are SO brave for putting all of this out there for the world to see. That is one of the hardest steps to take — to actually vocalize (to other people and not just to yourself) what’s going on inside of your head, what feelings you’re having, what stories you’re telling yourself and starting (or continuing) to believe. After 15-20 years of a negative voice and a negative story tape playing, it’s absolutely incredible that you have the courage to start changing now. Today. And that’s something I really hope you’ll celebrate! You’re an amazing and talented woman, and this is one more thing you’re going to succeed at!!

    • Thank you Amy! It was really hard, but I know I need to do it. I’m so tired of living this way; it’s time to live happy and ME. 🙂 Thanks for always being such a big supporter. ((hugs))

      • You’re welcome Dorothy! You are one of the sweetest people I know, and you deserve all of the happiness in the world, especially the kind that comes from within. I’m sending you the biggest bear hug I can!! 🙂

  92. #momnotfail. Being a mom doesn’t mean a miracle solution to everything, and we’re all learning as life takes us through its various stages. I just wanted to say thank you for posting this–I really appreciated reading it, and while we can’t protect the ones we love from every single thing out there, it doesn’t mean we should stop trying or stop loving…and it’s clear you love your daughter very much 🙂 remember, we’re all in this together!

  93. It was so brave of you to tell us your personal story and I want to suggest to you to get professional help with your eating disorder because there are therapists and doctors that specialize in this. I know a few women that went and got help and now they are living an authentic life and you can too.
    I look forward to your future posts and the recipes that you share are amazing!!

  94. Dear Dorothy, and you ARE dear, thank you for opening up your heart to us today. I’m crying right now because your truth is also my truth. You’ve written my story, down to having a daughter that I tried hard to protect from who I felt I was inside all the weight. What made the difference in the end when it came to helping her not go down the same path that I did, was to speak very candidly with her about how I felt about myself and why, and that she hadn’t had the same experiences that made me gain the weight I have so she didn’t need to copy my behaviors either. We talked. A lot. And what we discussed was painful to say but it was the truth and she made some changes. I could see how her confidence changed and how she dressed and how she ate. She made different choices than I had and was proud of that. I am, too.

    I looked at your photo at the top of your page here and what I see is a beautiful, luminous smile and a beautiful woman. Take a closer look. Try to see what we all see. It’s hard when that voice doesn’t want to shut up and we are so adept at seeing only the flaws. But you’ve done something courageous today. You spoke the truth out loud. You can’t un-ring the bell. How you feel isn’t a secret any more. You don’t have to hide who you are from us or yourself. You can’t whisper those awful things to yourself now without others knowing about it. Notice that I said “how you feel isn’t a secret” not “what you are or what you weigh isn’t a secret”. From what you wrote, the things you “know” about yourself aren’t all true. You’re separating yourself into parts and you’re judging the things you don’t like. But what about your heart? Are you a kind person? Do you love? You’re good at so many things. If you’re going to take an inventory of yourself then make sure you take the WHOLE of who you are into account. Even knowing so little about you personally, I already know enough about you to know that you have a lot of which to be proud.

    My daughter is 27 now and is a personal trainer. She struggles with her weight at times, she’s also not one who was blessed with the naturally slim genes, but she’s happy. She’s also a nutritionist. She chose her career path because she wants to help people like me; She tells me that watching me struggle her whole life has given her the compassion to want to help others not go through this same kind of pain. She amazes me. She’s getting married next month and like most brides, she worked on losing some weight to get into the dress of her dreams. But it was a realistic goal and she’s accomplished it with a month to spare. And I know it’s all an outcome from being brutally honest with her about everything that has to do with my weight. They see everything you do. So make sure your daughter has the whole story to understand it all as well.

    I apologize for the length of this post but my heart goes out to you and if I can help you in any way at all, I’m here for you. You’re not in this alone any more and you’ve got a lot more voices here to listen to than the critical one inside your head.

    • Thank you Susan. Thank you so much! I didn’t realize it when I posted but I am now: this post is going to help me on the road to healing. Like you said, I can’t un-ring the bell. I am now accountable to knowing that what is going on in my head is not okay, and I need to work to fix it. I am going to work hard at looking at all those separate parts and putting them back together again. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and your words. I love what you did with your daughter, and I hope to have that strength if it ever comes to that. Thank you! ((hugs))

  95. Thanks for being brave enough to be vulnerable. I don’t know what I can add that all the other commenters haven’t already said. So just to say, hugs to you girl!

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  97. This is a wonderful post – not too long at all! So many people out here relate to you, you are so not alone in your thinking and feelings. I was overweight as a child and while I have been without the chubbiness since I was in college, and while I was never “anorexic” or bulimic” I would have to say I was disordered in my eating in the past. And really, I think most people are. It doesn’t go away, you have to ignore those thoughts in your head and sometimes that is not easy to do! My son is 9, and he is blessed a nice appetite and while he is not chubby, he has always been bigger than average. We don’t own a scale, I haven’t weighed myself in a very long time and I try to teach him the numbers don’t matter. I try my best to teach him the importance of balancing eating, healthy, filling foods while trying not to project my childhood on to him. I don’t want him to gain during these critical years where he ends up overweight and/or made fun of. It is so hard, isn’t it?

    • It is so hard! And I know, those voices never go away, no matter what. It’s like an addiction. I’m going to try to teach Jordan the same as you. Thank you Meredith for your comment and sharing your story!

  98. Dorothy, you post has me biting back the tears. It is such an eyeopener when we see our reflections in our children. Believe it or not event the skinny girls back then grew up tortured. I was one that could eat anything I wanted and was skinny as a rail. I had horrid self esteem was picked on and never realized how lucky I was. All I could look at was what was wrong. The other day I found pics of my in college and showed a friend. I said you know the worst thing about that girl is that she never realized how beautiful she was.
    Now I am huge and fat and flabby and still can’t see the beauty, it is a curse that never seems to leave. This was beautiful and touches at the hear of so many women. Thanks for your bravery!

    • It’s so sad that we got through life not realizing how beautiful we are. That we look back at photos and curse ourselves. We have to find a way to break the curse. That’s one of the things that stood out to me in the book: that it’s not normal and think of how life would be without it. I want that!! Thank you so much Kelley for your post and your story. xx

  99. Great post. Standing up and speaking out can be great therapy! I know what you are saying, personally, and I think it’s great. I only wish I could say that I didn’t go “as far” into an ED as I have, but I’m glad you can speak to it and all of your readers.

  100. Feel like I need to process and put my thoughts together to give this a comment it really deserves! Your honesty and openness is more appreciated than you can know. Beautiful.

  101. Thank you. That’s all I can say at the moment, but thank you.

  102. Ok, I’ve been gone for a few days (i was eating my way through Monterey) and I’m just now catching up on my emails and blogs.

    Isn’t it funny how we can just simply look at people that seem to be so well put together and perfect looking and until they open a door into their soul they suddenly become a real person? I do this in church all the time. If I’m sitting in the back, I look at everyone’s head and see how nicely dressed and put together each family is and think, “boy I wish I could be like that…..that sure is a good mom to make sure all the kids clothes are ironed and matching……I SUCK.”

    Thank you for becoming a real person to me this morning. I will be praying for you on this journey of healing and to be able to conquer the evil fat lies that all of us woman deal with on a daily basis.

    This post is a proven fact that you are stronger than you think….

    • Thank you so much. I know – we don’t see what really goes on in peoples’ lives very often. That’s why I think it’s so important to share these sorts of things. Thanks for being here and helping me on my journey!

  103. Thank you for the brutally honest post. The raw truth of it made me cry. When I am honest with myself I know that I am not overweight, but I do battle with my body image. In college after gaining the freshman 15 I decided to stop eating most food groups in an effort to lose weight. It worked, and I did feel powerful that I could control my eating like that. However, I also felt nauseous most of the time and cranky, and would get near to lightheaded very easily. Sadly it took me a long time to let go. I now try to eat healthy, but remind myself that I am not a bad person if I eat dessert, or if I have more than one cookie, or too much bread! I am at a healthy weight and try to work out (which doesn’t happen as often as it should). The voice in my head still tells me that I am too soft. I squeeze my stomach and tell my husband to look at my fat! (Who does that!). It infuriates him, and should infuriate me – why should I bully myself! I don’t remember anyone else ever making me feel fat…just me. I want you to know that you are not alone, and that I think you are beautiful. And it is never too late to change the way you think, retrain yourself to love yourself. Don’t say things to yourself that you would never say towards someone else. Be kind to yourself.

    • Thank you Kelly, that’s such a great reminder: don’t say things to myself that I wouldn’t say to someone else. And the bully line – so try. Why do we bully ourselves so? I can’t believe that there are people out there who don’t squeeze their tummy fat reflexively. I can’t imagine a life without that, but I hope I can have it. And you too! Thank you for sharing your story!

  104. You are very brave and courageous to write this and put it out there for the world. The sad thing is you speak for many of us. My brother-in-law brought over some old pictures of me and Mark when we dating and looking at those pictures I remember how “fat” I felt. At that moment it dawned on me that I have felt fat for more than half my life. And yes, I was thin in those pictures. But the great thing about you and I is we have realized that the battle is not about the food and exercise but about being more kind to ourselves. And making sure our daughters love who they are, no matter what shape, size or color. Sending you a big hug!

  105. Dorothy,
    You made me cry….what a powerful story. You did an amazing job putting so many of our experiences and feelings into words. I think most of the women I know feel similarly. I’m sorry that Jordan has been the target of teasing….I know how painful that is, as we are experiencing some of that as well. I think having a very open discussion about this with Jordan would start her in the right direction with body image. None of us can assume that slim people have a good body image… like you said when you were thin you still felt overweight….I think that is a common struggle. I have a friend that is underweight and she struggles with body image as well. I know since the day I met you, I’ve never ever seen you as overweight. Thank you for sharing your story, in such an impactful way. Hugs…

  106. Amen. Thank you for being brave and sharing this post with your readers.

  107. This was such a great read, Dorothy. I think you have probably touched every person in some way with this post.
    I’ve never been over weight. In fact, I’ve been quite the opposite. I was made fun of all throughout school, up until I graduated high school, because I was skinny. I remember in 5th grade this boy said to me “you have really skinny legs – are you anorexic?” I was in fifth grade!

    With being so small all of my life I’ve always actually had a fear of becoming fat. I have gained weight a few times throughout my life, the first time while I was in my early 20’s. I jumped from about 110 to 130. I had a boyfriend. I got comfortable. I went out to eat a lot. but I wasn’t happy with that. I had to buy new clothes. My mom (who is super fit at 61 now) said to me: you’ve gotten a little chunky.” That was real fun. So I started exercising (something I never EVER did) and lost the weight. But then a few years later I had some skin allergy problems and had to take steroids for about a month. Boom. Major weight gain again. I couldn’t stop eating food because the steroids made me hungry. And I started walking 3+ miles per day so I could control the weight. I finally dropped to below 120 but if I stopped exercising, I gained it. Fast forward to 31 (32 will be here next month.) My weight teases with 130. Sometimes I go above, sometimes I drop below. Since I started food blogging, it has seen an increase. I have to exercise to keep it below 130. When I go above 130 I get a little depressed. I know, a lot of people say “well you are skinny so why do you worry?” I just say “you don’t see me naked.” Most of my weight goes to my thighs. It looks bad, IMO. And I hate that my thighs are always touching. Bleh. So right now, I’m back in my “I have to exercise every day” mode.

    Thanks for sharing this and apologies for rambling. I felt this was a good place to speak out my mind on my issues since usually when I do with people, I get the whole “you don’t even need to exercise” remarks. :/ Stay strong. 🙂

  108. Ok. Some tough love is needed here. I do feel very bad for your child. That breaks my heart. BUT you have a dessert blog where you are constantly making food that is making our kids today obese. What is that saying. You are what you eat. Is doing your blog worth the way your daughter feels? People today just need to STOP eating the crap! And the cheesecake and stuff that is causing weight issues. This is such a frustrating subject for me because if you teach yourself and your daughter how to live a healthy lifestyle this wouldn’t be an issue and make you feel like crap. Do you want your daughter to grow up feeling this way? I blame the parents. And yes in society we shouldn’t compare ourselves to the fake supermodels, BUT we should be living a healthy weight and lifestyle. I hope that you aren’t offended by this comment but I am not going to be the fake people that lie to your face.

    • Bruce, I posted my story in the comments sometime yesterday. Your reply really disturbs me. My overeating came from being abused as a child and being sexually abused as a child. Food became a source of comfort. Not until years later did I go into therapy (in my 50’s) and finally worked thru all of the crap that was my life. I had a mother who left me with my father at the age of 3 months old and never looked back. I had step-brothers that tortured me in oh so many ways. I felt like food was my only friend. Two years ago, I weighed 290 pounds. Today I weigh 146 and am still losing. But only thru therapy was I able to accomplish this. Please don’t jump to judge people so hastily. Everyone has a story that formed their lives and whatever the resulting factors are, they come out in different ways for different people.

      This is a food blog and I subscribe to it be email. It doesn’t mean I fix and eat everything that is posted. I do make a lot of them to take for get-togethers and such. I have learned all about portion control now and learned that I can still have a small piece of something and work it into my daily calorie allotment.

      It is sometimes too easy to blame parents for everything. I have three children raised in the same house with the same food and same parents. Yet one of them is overweight and the other one is at her ideal weight and the other one is underweight. Go figure. I was not a parent that forced my children to clean their plates like I had to do as a child. I also did not fix special meals. Everyone ate the same thing.

      I’m not trying to start a war of words, just want you to know that everyone is not the same. Everyone has walked a path in life that for some people have been harsh and continues to follow them into adulthood. I have finally been one of the lucky ones before it was too late.

      And to echo your sentiment, I hope you aren’t offended by my comments. And if you go back and read my previous comment, I was anything but fake.

    • While I appreciate your comment Bruce, I wholeheartedly disagree. I do not feel that “healthy lifestyle” means no sugar, no sweets. While my relationship with food is skewed right now, I do know that purposefully denying something to yourself is not healthy. Do I recommend that you eat an entire pan of cheesecake bars? No. Do I think that having one after dinner is okay, for myself or for my daughter? Yes. You “blame the parents”. My problem is not with what I eat – it’s HOW I feel about food and how I feel about myself. Eating a “healthier lifestyle” is not going to change how I feel about myself. That’s the thing with eating disorders – it’s really not about the food. It’s about the behavior, the mentality behind it. The food is a manifestation of the emotions. A healthy lifestyle does NOT mean denying oneself food or sweets. Making sweets makes me happy – it actually fulfills a very large part of my life. It’s how I feel about eating them that I need to change.

  109. Dorothy,

    This is a wonderfully honest post. So many women struggle with their body image…whether or not they need to lose weight. We are bombarded every day with images of what women “should” look like that it’s hard to accept our bodies as they are. Ultimately, we should all be striving to be healthy. The number on the scale, the size that we wear isn’t important. Being HEALTHY is the ultimate goal. That dessert every now and then (OR even every day in moderation) shouldn’t make us feel so miserable. Sadly, it is hard to overcome those thoughts. Thank you for sharing your struggle. I wish you the best in working on changing the voice in your head, and getting rid of that 10-year-old girl inside you. She totally needs to find something better to do! 🙂


  110. Thanks for writing this. I have struggled with my weight for many years and have said and done many of the same things you have done. I do not have any answers at all about how to accept your body, but I’m learning how to try to come to terms with it.

  111. Dorothy, thank you for sharing this with us. So many of us struggle with our weight. Figuring out why we feel the way that we do is important. Loving ourselves no matter what size is important. Showing out daughters and sons how to eat healthier is important. The number on the scale? Not so important. The amount of skin/fat we can pinch on any given place on our bodies? Not important. Have you ever read Brittany.herself ? It’s a blog where a “chubby girl” shows the world how she has learned to just accept her size, dress her body, love herself, and she also posts great mom stuff and sometimes recipes….Check it out. She is really inspiring. Also, kinda blunt about things most people whisper about (sex). Anyway, I do enjoy your blog – recipes, not recipes. It so doesn’t matter. Glimpses of bloggers’ real lives help us to see that you are not just a person who bakes and takes pictures of baked goods and posts recipes. You are a real person, with real live issues. Not a picture perfect piece of pie or cake. Thank you again for sharing so much with us.

  112. Dorothy – I want to give you the biggest hug ever. Ah, how true so many of your words ring true. One thing that especially struck me was when you talked about admitting you had/have an eating disorder. No one would believe you. Everyone would laugh. And the truth is that you weren’t a clinically diagnosed anorexic, and you weren’t a bulimic either. But there was/is some definite disordered eating and disordered thoughts, and that can classify you as having an eating disorder. I think more people struggle with disordered eating than they care to admit. So many people come to my site and say, “oh, no, I don’t have an eating disorder,” but at the same time, they are very controlling of their food, they have poor body image, and overall just don’t have a healthy relationship with food and eating.
    I am so sorry for everything you have gone through and now the guilt you carry because of Jordan’s body image. I am sure that is harder than anything for you! I know when my son started just assuming that some adults didn’t eat dinner (because I never did for the first 3-4 years of his life), that’s when it hit home. I never want him to think it’s okay to skip meals, and I knew I had to make changes.
    And I know exactly what you mean about giving anything to back at that weight that we used to think was SO FAT but is much less than what we weigh now. What was I thinking in high school when I was mad that I couldn’t get under 100 and was stuck at 107??? Seriously?! I wouldn’t even want to be THAT small now.
    I feel your pain and turmoil on where to go from here – the diets, and training, and regimes, and scales… that’s just too much for an eating-disordered mind. I can’t do it. I absolutely cannot follow anything strict and planned. I truly have to listen to my body and my mind, and I eat what my body needs, and I don’t beat myself up about it. I listen for the cues of satisfaction (which isn’t easy). I pay attention to every little thing my body tells me now. I tried to do the Tone It Up Diet/Workout plan, and you know what.. it made me crazy and threw me back into eating disordered thoughts.
    I am proud of you for sharing your story. You are beautiful. You are a wonderful Mama. And you can make changes to yourself and your mind. It’s all in your head, and I hope you are able to kick that Eating Disordered Bit** out of there! You are too valued to have her up in there, don’t you think?! Please let me know if you need anything at all! <3 Holly

    • Thank you so much Holly! You really are an inspiration – your strength gave me strength, and I thank you for that. I feel like now that it’s out there, now that I’ve admitted it to myself, I can start to change. It’s going to be hard and a lot of work, but I WILL do it because I’ve wasted too much of my life living this way. ((hugs))

  113. Dorothy,

    I wish I had some sage advise or words of wisdom, but in all honesty your post caught me off guard. Your post made me cry. I have gone through some of the same eating disorders and have a very unhealthy relationship with food that I have been trying to mend. I am going to link your story to a post on my blog now and I am hoping I can be brave enough to share the details. Thanks for the inspiration!

    • Thank you for reading Nic! It’s such a hard topic to talk about, or to open up about. I feel so…free now that I’ve let it all out there. I feel like now I can finally heal. You’re not alone! ((hugs))

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  115. You are not alone! I think 99% of women have body issues, whether you are a Victoria Secrete model or a 300 pound woman or somewhere in between. You are very brave for sharing your story with us and I admire you for that.

    I’ve dieted on an off since I was in 4th grade. 4th grade! That should not happen. I’ve starved, I’ve overeaten, I’ve done it the healthy way, you name it and I’ve tried it. Like you said, it’s not about the number on that darn scale. Are you healthy? That’s what matters. My mind knows that’s what matters by my everything else ignores it, so I too am still working on loving myself. I weigh myself once a week in hopes the number is smaller and most of the time the scale is not my friend.

    Each day I tell myself 1 thing that I love about my body. Each day I try to look at food with respect, not the enemy, and to turn to it when I’m hungry, not when I emotionally need it. These struggles are constant but I am surrounded by a supportive and patient husband, family, and friends. The rest I take day by day, some good days, some not so good.

    My story is not that different than yours or many of the others who have left comments. I hope you find strength and comfort in hearing from us. I know you have given me strength to look at myself in a better way! xoxo

    • I have found so much comfort, and strength for all the words, and yours too Tina. It’s amazing, the outpouring. I love how you tell yourself something you love about your body, and the treating food with respect. I’m working on doing all those things!

  116. I love and admire you so much for sharing this, Dorothy. I really do. This is the story of so many of us (except I did 2 years of strictly diet coke and hardly much else). I still struggle with this big time, every day, and hate that my girls especially see me struggle. I want to be healthy and fit AND skinny, but I want to live and eat and indulge too.

    I hope you’ll join this with me, friend. Hugs to you!

    • Thank you for reading and sharing Kristen! I don’t know what the secret is, but there has to be a way to be healthy, fit, and indulge. Otherwise, how would life be any fun? 😉 I joined the challenge, that sounds exciting! Thank you for letting me know about it!

  117. Dorothy I admire you so much for posting this. So many girls struggle with their weight. I too had a problem with weight and I still struggle. You are an amazing mom! Thanks for all the wonderful posts

  118. So interesting that you should write this now. I too am going through similar struggles and am JUST about to post about tat elusive number that we all think will make things better. It is SO hard to be a food blogger and not carry a little extra weight. It’s hard to enjoy food and not carry a little extra weight (unless you’re one of those people who can eat anything without gaining weight).

    Anyway, my point here is, getting to that number won’t change a damn thing, it IS our attitude that we have to change and start having faith in ourselves. I wish I could tell you how to do that, but if I ever figure it out, I’ll let you know 🙂

    You’re amazing for posting this and sharing with your following, it’s not easy, but you’ve helped a lot of people in ways you don’t even know 🙂

  119. i came across ur blog thru another blog happy food healthy life…and first off, I would give u a big ((((((hug))))) because its sooooooooo hard being a girl….and i have 3 B-E-A-UTIFUL girls myself…who FOR SURE my first two are built like me..have boobs and MORE to share with several peeps and a belly(on myself to match)..thankfully they have all 3 got my hubby’s height….so its not troublesome yet..but the stereotypes that my girls and i believe girls in general go thru now adays is just awful!! I may not have had a eating disorder per se BUT that was mostly b/c i just loved food and am not picky in the least….and as long as i DID something exercise-like growing up the weight just slid off..til i got married and had kids…i think body images= self-esteem are just a hard concept to get across..i KNOW i dont talk about how i dont care for my body the way it is…I don’t buy or look at fashion magazines because i don’t want my girls to “develop” those terrible thoughts or longings for other looks…but it comes into our homes anyway..thru tv, ipods…U-tube….EVERYTHING…including the girls friends….or other people at school….but seeing ME exercise, make sure MORE healthy fruits/veggies are in the house more often than the yummy bad-for-you sugary/salty/carb filled FUN stuff then i think we are doing ok…at least that is what i tell myself…

    • That’s what I hope too, to be able to show her that aspect. I mean, we always have treats, but we eat healthy at meals. Mostly! Thank you so much for your comment Kelly! I appreciate you reading!

  120. What an amazing post Dorothy! I’m mentioned briefly I think that I was picked on when I was young for being overweight. I think that has always stayed with me. I lost about 50 lbs right before high school (over about a 3 month period, so it was quick) and it was amazing how differently people treated me. I literally had multiple experiences were guys were all of a sudden approaching me and I had no clue how to react. I remember I was with my mom when it happened once and because I wouldn’t speak (I couldn’t, didn’t know what to say) she told the cashier in a joking way that I was deaf and mute. We look back on it and laugh, but it’s truly sad how people treat you so differently based simply on weight. Nothing about me had changed other than that. I have a completely messed up body image as a result. In high school, I’d wake up every morning, turn to the side in front of the mirror and try to make sure I could see my ribs when I sucked in a bit. Not healthy. I’m not so bad anymore, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking of myself as fat. When ppl ask me how I stay skinny with my blog, I laugh. Skinny? No way! Well, I could ramble on, but won’t. 🙂 Point is – I love that you are willing to be so honest. It obviously resonated with a ton of people, myself included. Great post!

    • Thanks Lindsay, for sharing. I know, when I dropped that weight in college it was amazing the response. I got asked out, noticed by boys, everyone was fawning all over about how great I looked. If they only knew! I hope that, in time, I don’t always see myself as fat – hopefully I’ll get there. I hope you can some day too! ((hugs))

  121. Thanks for sharing your story! I think most girls go through a lot of these thoughts at some point in their lives. And being a food blogger is hard, but I usually send my treats with my hubby to work the next day. Out of the house, problem solved (for the most part.) Food & sugar addiction is hard for me as well. I think I am finally to the point that I don’t care anymore, but I did have to lose 47lbs to feel that way. When I feel like I eat too much sugar, I eat extra vegetables. It kind of balances out (or not really), but I am happy with who I am. Anyway, I hope you can get the 10 year old voice out & enjoy a happy life with self-confidence & esteem. Thanks again for sharing your experience!

  122. I think you already made a huge positive step by writing this post. It takes so much courage to write what you wrote and I admire you for that. Every single woman deals with these insecurities and it is so hard to break the habit. Myself totally included. The book Almost Anorexic, that was me too. Especially in college. I actually started to resort to eating only baby carrots that my skin started to turn orange… When my husband and I first married he would be so concerned while he was deployed because he knew that I starved myself while he was gone so that I would look prettier to him when he got back. And then I would tear myself up for making him worry while he was far out at sea. But now I love food now because somewhere along the way I started thinking of it differently. Like fueling my body while making it taste delicious. I know we don’t know each other personally but my advice would be to try adding healthy elements to delicious treats. It is amazing how healthy foods can substitute ingredients to create a guilt-less treat that is scrumptious and fun! You’ve already shown us that avocados and zucchini are awesome in treats 🙂 You are so creative this might be a wonderful element for you to experiment with!

    And one more thing – you and Jordan are both so beautiful! And that hashtag #momfail is #totallyincorrect – you are an amazing mother!
    <3 Michelle

  123. Such a beautiful, poignant post. Just incredible. Thank you so much for sharing.

  124. Dorothy — you are an amazing woman! Thank you for being so brave and having the courage to post this to your blog. Do not think of yourself as a failure — you are not! Live each day to the fullest and keep a strong and loving support system! You ARE beautiful inside and out!

  125. It’s taken me a while to get to this post, so I’m sure all the brilliant things have already been said. I just want you to know that you have a lot of things in your life that I would love to have. It’s so easy to fixate on things we don’t like about ourselves and our lives. I do it all the time. And it’s usually dessert that I turn to for comfort. I hope that you continue to be kind to yourself. It’s not easy. We’re all here for you.

  126. Dorothy, thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of guts to post something so personal. I work with the teenage girls at our church and it is HEARTBREAKING how early self-esteem and weight issues come on and how even my tiniest of girls think that they are too fat, not good enough, not as pretty as “xyz” etc. As a society, we are WAY too hard on women, and on ourselves. I think a lot of our issues with food come from that feeling of failure. There is so much pressure on women today and so much of that gets transferred to food.

    I think almost ALL grown women, regardless of weight or body type, look in the mirror and berate that reflection for not being what they want it to be. For not being what it “should” be. I’m certainly not guiltless in this, but how SAD for our society! I am terrified to have a daughter because quite honestly I’m afraid I would pass too many bad habits, too many misconceptions on to her. Bless you for the mom you are to Jordan. She needs someone like you to be that voice in her head, telling her that even if she doesn’t look the way her friends do, she is beautiful and strong and healthy. Sometimes we need a voice outside of ourselves before we can start to believe it ourselves. I hope you will find that voice for yourself so that your inside voice can get a little stronger.

    You are a beautiful woman that makes a lot of people happy with your creativity & sense of humor. Keep your chin up & keep fightin’ the battle. Hugs!

    • PS- I don’t know if you are religious, but I remember the first time I started thinking about my body differently- it was shortly after I graduated high school and I read in a church book that God has given us the perfect body to fulfill our mission here on earth. That totally struck me because as women I think one of our most important roles is as “mother”. Can we be mothers if we don’t have child-bearing hips and a body big enough to carry a baby? NO WAY! That thought completely changed the way I feel about my body, and it helped me to think of myself as the perfect vessel to accomplish what I need to in life. If you had always been teensy tiny and never struggled with body image issues, you would never have written this post, and you wouldn’t have been able to “reach” hundreds of women with this message. If you didn’t love food, you wouldn’t have this blog and we wouldn’t benefit from your sense of humor every single week. The list goes on. You are the perfect you just the way you are, and you have the perfect body for what you need to accomplish.

      Just a thought. 😉

      • Thank you so much Katie. Your words mean so much to me! It makes me so sad that so many people struggle with this, I’m just glad I gave them an outlet to speak up. 🙂 Thank you again, for always visiting me here! ((hugs))

  127. I have struggled with weight my entire life. I know that pain. I know all about the not eating and the “salad diets”.. worlds worst when it comes to not using the FAT word for myself. I loved every word in this post. It speaks to me so much.
    I lost a ton of weight in HS and then When I got married I gained like 80 pounds in 4 months. Holy crap. I have been fighting this battle my entire life. Just last week, we finally got some answers and it seems I have a hormone problem. haha. ok I know that’s not funny BUT I’m just thankfully because it proves that I’m not fat just because I’m fat!

  128. Good Morning Dorothy,
    I just finished your blog and it is my first visit to your site. I wish I could say that I have no idea what you were talking about or that I have never had any of those thoughts myself but I can not say that. What I can say is that you are a beautiful woman who has a wonderful life with people who love and admire you. You are talented and funny and are touching more lives with your truths than you will ever know. Now as for your weight, it does not define you nor does it control you. You control you and that is what is at the core of most things for most people. Too much or lack of control or the idea of control is just that. An idea to make sense of the world around us which can be scary so we try to control something or someone. So when you start to feel that you have no control or you know that you are having one of those moments where you are going to be unkind to yourself, just remember what we have all said. You are not alone, you matter, you are loved, and most importantly you are worth it!! I hope you will remember not to be unkind to my new friend or we will have to have words because I will not allow anyone to be mean to my friends! Also don’t hold back on your blogs because it does not have a bit of sugar in it. We do come for the recipes but we also come for your stories so start another tab if you wish to have this or any other blog. We will read and we will be here for you and each other thanks to you. Now I am going to ask you to do me a favor. When you are ready and have a moment go and look in the mirror, smile, and say one thing truly nice to yourself. Everyday when we wake up, we have a choice to make. We can have a good day or a bad day but the choice is ours. We can not control what is going to happen, only how we choose to react to it. So make the choice a good one and feel the love around you. I will be back but I have to go bake some of your cookies now!! 🙂

    • Thank you so much Monica, and welcome to my site! I’m touched by your words. I do have to remember that, and remind myself of it every day. Thank you so much! ((hugs))

  129. Dorothy,

    I’m sorry I’m late to the game. I can totally appreciate where you’re coming from. The Freshman 15 was the Senior 15 for me. I had always been picked on for my size. For a while, I had “thinned out”, but after three kids and three c-sections, exercise simply eluded me. About three years ago, I started doing half marathons. I walked my first one, but I finished. I accomplished something I never thought I would EVER do… I’ve done a bunch since, but with working full time, three kids and a husband, and no help, time to exercise besides actual Saturday training is nearly impossible. I wish I could get to the gym and not feel like a bad mom. I wish I could spend more time with my kids and less time cleaning. I wish I could eat that awesome dessert rather than an apple. I, too, have to figure out that I’m ME and that ME is great. You aren’t alone. The question is, how do we accept “the ME”? We are our own worst critics. No doubt about it. My comments about the Disney pictures I looked through last night reminded me of that. If it helps, I think you’re courageous, innovative, and downright AWESOME!

    • Thank you Kim! Accepting the ME is the hardest part. And wow, that’s such an accomplishment – a marathon! We also have to let go of the guilt. I’m good at hoarding that!

  130. I read this a few days ago and wanted to comment, but didn’t know what to say … except thank you! You put so many of my feelings into words. Today I read many of the comments … it’s like a ‘self help’ group … it feels good to vent and share. I have always struggled with weight and body images. I try to tell myself … just get healthy, which of course includes loosing weight and becoming thinner. So today, as I have been sitting on my fat a_ _ for several hours in front of the computer, I am determined to try and change my ways … be happy and healthy! But, I will never forget … when I was about 7 years old and invited to a swim party, my mom bought me a dark colored one piece bathing suit to help me look thinner! One word of advise, as the mother of boys (that were not skinny), I know that boys too can be mean, just in a different way than girls.

    • I know, all the comments are totally a self-help group! It’s been amazing reading them all. Thank you so much for reading and your comment Brenda. I have no doubt that boys can be mean – and it’s so hard for them too. 🙁

  131. Hi Dorothy……I read your blog post this morning and wanted to thank you for your honesty and your bravery. I think you voiced what so many of us think on a daily basis but that no one will talk about. I know your words hit home for me almost all the way through your post and it really made me think (and it made me cry). And then it made me mad for me (and you), that so much of our time and energy is spent on an arbirtary number on a scale, on a label. I have to remind myself every day that it’s not about those numbers, to enjoy the foods I eat, and let go of beating myself up about them. We’re so much more than the stupid number or the chunk we think we have or the extra cookies we eat. Work out because you want to not because you think you should. Eat what makes you happy (without the guilt). Your daughter is SO lucky to have a mom like you. I hope you can think of that the next time you want to be mean to yourself. And I say that because I know how easy it is to be mean to yourself since I do it too. It’s a work in progress for it to get better each day. I’m so glad I found your blog awhile back and if I wasn’t before (and I was), I’m definitely a loyal reader now. 🙂

  132. What a great post! Thank you so much for your honesty! I was overweight all through high school and most of college and then I began to get healthy and lose the weight. But that turned into disordered eating for a long time and I was very obsessive about what passed through my mouth. It consumed my thoughts and then one day I had a wake up call and thought, no more! I would not count another calorie. I was going to try to eat healthy but indulge if I wanted to. While body image is still something I struggle with from time to time, I’m learning not to beat myself up if I want to splurge or indulge every once in a while, but it’s hard not too sometimes. I’m trying to work on everything in moderation and be positive about myself and not let the number on the scale define who I am. It’s an ongoing struggle as women and I agree with you, it boils down to dealing with the underlying issues and self esteem instead of the actual weight. I didn’t begin to experience true freedom from my disordered eating until I dealt with all my self esteem issues. Thanks again for this post as it was a great reminder to me to continue to have a healthy relationship with food.

  133. This just broke my heart. I’ve been super skinny and super heavy so I’ve seen both sides of life. Part of me feels like I’m totally comfortable in my own skin but then when conferences sneak up on me I panic. I worry about people judging me and what I look like to the point of not wanting to go. Since being sick I’ve gone from being healthy to really unhealthy. The weight crept up and I don’t feel like myself when I look in the mirror. But I am determined to love me not matter what. I think you are an amazing woman and mom, and I hope you find a way to embrace you for everything you are. This year has taught me so much. You have to love yourself flaws and all. It’s not easy but it’s so amazing once you give in to it and accept yourself completely. It’s a process. I have good days and bad days. But every day is a chance to learn something new about myself. I applaud you for being so honest and raw. It takes a lot of guts to put this out there. xx

  134. you almost made me cry! i literally have been going through the same exact thing (except for the laxative part). it’s kind of bittersweet to know that i’m not the only person out there who has gone through it. it’s good to know that i’m not alone, but it sucks to know that someone else suffered from it. for me, at 14, i only had an eating disorder for about 4 months, but it was hell to me. thank you for sharing this because it finally occurred to me that i should be happy with the way i am 🙂

  135. I cried. The specifics aren’t the same, but the general feelings and patterns are there. I tell people I have these feelings, this warped mirro in mind, and they don’t understand. I swear I won’t ever see what other people see.

    • Oh, Melissa! I hope we both can. I think knowing there are SO many others out there who think the same thing should make us feel better, because I know what you mean – *regular* people don’t get it. Thanks so much for reading ((hugs))

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  137. I know this is a super late but I’m just catching up on a month’s worth of BlogLovin feeds, so I’m just getting here now. Dorothy. You brave, strong, and beautiful woman. I admire you for being able to open up about something that’s so intimately personal, and telling us about your up and downs of your journey. Sending you love and positivity to keep you motivated and strong <3 I applaud your perspective and you are a wonderful role model not only for your daughter, but for other people struggling with body issues. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

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  139. I loved, loved, loved your transparency. You are sooooo not alone. I’m convinced almost everyone has an eating disorder to some extent. My grown daughter went through treatment for anorexia. She learned most of it from watching me fluctuate 20lbs her entire life and all the crazy sauce that went along with it. Not that this is anybody’s favorite place to be in life, but perhaps I this will help. You “discovered” this while Jordan is still relatively young and have time to restructure what you do and say to help Jordan avoid the pain you have suffered and prevent you from hurting even more because your precious child is hurts.

    P.S. That Bruce fellow sounds a lot like my ex-husband, who’s name happens to be Bruce. I won’t go any further into that.

  140. Thank you for your honesty about your feeling about weight. It is said that people have 3 faces – the one everyone sees, the one we show our closest friends and family, and the one we keep hidden (our true selves) – today, with this post, you did the bravest thing anyone could do. Showed your 3rd face.

  141. Hello Dorothy,
    I’m a french young girl who follows you since a few months on Facebook and I first wanted you to know how much I appreciate your work, both considering the quality of your photographies or the recipes you offer so often : I really admire you for your work because I know it’s not really that easy to furnish such a regular quality !
    I also wanted to speak a little about this truth article you just posted. I’m not going to explain you my whole relationship with food, (I just let you know it hasn’t been easy for the last few months, hopefully it’s kinda getting better now). Anyway, i mostly wanted you to know that I recognize myself into parts of what you explain, so I’m understanding what you’re talking about and i wanted to give you -if i may do so- some courage to clarify your food relationship and to feel more and more better in your body, because i really think everyone – and more especially you, considering that long way you’ve been through- deserves it. I really hope hope you’ll find the strength to reach you goal and to be able to help your adorable little daughter.
    I hope you were able to understand the meaning of all my sentences, considering the fact english is just a langage I learned at school.
    Once again, i let you know that i hope you’ll feel good as soon as possible !

  142. I am a new follower of your blog. I, too, am a sugar addict. I am so glad I “fell” on this post this morning while reading about you and your blog. For this morning, I cried buckets of tears in the shower after doing my weekly “weigh-in” only to discover I had put on another 0.2 lbs. Seriously?! Why do I stress over this? Because, like you, I have ridden the weight roller coast since puberty. I don’t want to be like my mother in the obesity stage. I am only 4’11” and weight is huge for such a “vertically challenged” woman. I, again like you, don’t want my daughter to see me crying over this issue, for she, since age 1, has her own battle of Type 1 Diabetes. I definitely don’t want my now 5 year old little girl and 2 year old son think that’s all I care about. Thank you for sharing! This is exactly what I needed to read this morning!

    • Thank you for sharing your story Carri! And thank you for reading. It’s seriously something we need to just stop thinking about (ha, easier said than done!) Throw away your scale! 🙂 ((hugs))

  143. Thank you for sharing all that. We all know those struggles well. But, for the record, don’t just say “I’m me” instead of “I’m fat.” Say “I’m beautiful” because you most certainly are.

  144. Hi Dorothy!

    I found your blog while looking for the perfect vanilla cupcake. I also have serious body issues. A couple years ago I lost 100 pounds. I had been obese for most of my life and one day I took control if it. Eighteen months later my husband and I found out we were pregnant! I gained 40 pounds as directed by my doctor because I was so thin. I have 10 pounds left from my pregnancy. All the while, whether I am 140lbs or 235lbs I see a fat girl in the mirror. I have a baby girl and absolutely do NOT want her to mimic my body issues! I am working on it! Thank you for writing this blog! My heart shattered when I read about your daughter! We must shield our sweet girls from F A T!


  145. Hello Dorothy!
    I just stumbled upon your blog today and I usually start by reading the “about”-section to get a glimpse of the person behind the creativity 🙂 Your open words and honesty really touched me and I instantly put you on my list of blogs to follow!
    Thank you for so much honesty! So many of us women struggle with the same thing and so many of think they are all alone with it.
    I am 23 and I just went online with a food blog today actually^^ and the thought of weight gain came up in my mind too.
    I am also solid built, as you called it. Even if I were super skinny, I would never be “thin” in the imaginary sense of the word. I am a 1.83m tall woman, I have broad shoulders. I will never be the tiny, starved-looking girly you see on photoshoped pictures. But should that really be our ideal?? Especially regarding that these models in pictures aren’t natural either.
    I had that little voice in my head for a long time too but one day I decided: no more. I won’t that stupid little voice dictate my life.
    I had the fortune of growing up in a loving family that alway had my back and made me strong and I had a circle of great friends and a great school where what matters were your skills, not your size.
    I lost and gained weight over the years and found that I didn’t feel any different two sizes smaller. I was and am still me. All the time.
    I developed a second voice in my head (it’s quite busy up there^^) that, when the first one speaks up too loud, tells it too shut up.
    I will not be defined by a stupid number on a scale! None of us should! Think about it: You are not a number on a scale! That number does not define you. It doesn’t change your character, your personality or any other part of you. I am healthy, I workout three times a week, so no alarming reason for any stress.
    And my personal opinion: People who like you less because of a few (or even many) pounds more are absolutely not worth having in your life!
    I love that second voice, keeps me from getting too crazy about weight and all that – try to develop it too 🙂
    I try too loose weight too, but just because I know it would be healthier if I weighted a bit less, but I don’t stress about it all day anymore. It is just one of the things I want to achieve, like finishing my uni exams as good as possible, or whatever. But I won’t let it control my life.

    You may think yourself fat (really an ugly word -.-) but think about what damage you do to your body by starving yourself. It is so much worse than a few pounds more (besides, I think you are so pretty in your pic, even though, you might see it differently)!! Be nice to yourself and calm your mind. I wish you all the best to achieve the peace that your looking for. Your little girl will notice and from own experience I know how much it can help for a little girl’s self-esteem 🙂


    • Thank you so much for your comment Jenni, and for sharing your story! I’m working on developing that second voice. It’s not very strong yet, but it’s getting there. 🙂 Thank you so much!

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  147. Hi,
    I would like to tell you. My husband was over weight – almost 400 pounds while he and I were dating. I talked with him that he needed to lose weight to prevent the heart disease, high blood pressure. high chlostroles, diabetes, and many many more. I helped him with the diet and he had lost a lot of weight before he and I were married. My mother-in-law was really surprised how thin he was. He was happy about it. Later on after the wedding, he gained weight back. He did tried a few diets and they didn’t help him anymore. A friend of ours had the gastric bypass and he looked realy really good! I had suggested my husband to try this new methods. He had the stomach surgery and he lost most of the weight and he looked realy realy good!! but sadly he re-gained weight a half back but now his weight has been stabled which is good. Now the doctor discovered that he’s a diabetic. He needs to watch of what he eats but he doesn’t follow the doctor’s instruction. I have tried to help him and these hasn’t worked. All I did was just leave him alone and it is his decision . Nothing I can do…… It is the hardest part.. Any recommendations that could help me, please.

    • Hi Kathleen! I’m sorry that you are going through that. Unfortunately, I can’t be of much help. I would recommend that you consult your doctor or a therapist or some family members to get him the help that he needs. Good luck!

  148. Yes…like so many people have already said, I get it too. Not the same story, but a very similar mindset. Again, thank you. xo

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  150. Hi Dorothy!

    I just saw came upon this older post today and wanted to comment. I think most women (and probably even many men too) can relate to all of this on some level. The media and society send us messages subconsciously about how we should look, sure, and that takes hold, but it also takes root somewhere in us in other ways. For myself, I don’t know exactly where. My mother didn’t beat herself up, so I didn’t learn it that way. Who knows, but I do know I’ve spent the better part of 33 years agonizing over being some concept of ‘better’. Regardless of how much or little I had to lose, I always felt a need to be ‘better’ somehow than where I was. I went to some extremes too… not eating, doing 3.5 hours of cardio/day, appetite suppressants, all of it. Most recently, I worked with a fitness coach to lose the weight, and weighed every single thing I put in my mouth, on a food scale, in grams, for 1.5 years. Seriously. Finally, just recently, I decided I couldn’t really believe how much of my precious, wonderful life I was allowing to waste by beating myself up to be ‘perfect’. How much energy I was expending to be negative toward myself in a life that is short. Was that all worth it? Do the people around me care if I have 15 extra pounds? Do they love me less? I was placing value in myself strictly on one criteria alone. How senseless it all seemed to me at that point. It just clicked and I decided I simply CANNOT spend anymore of my time in in this life hating myself. It was no way to live. Going through life tormenting myself over a few lbs.?? We all have good days and bad days when it comes to body image, but on the whole, I don’t beat myself up anymore. Life’s too short, and no one else cares but me. I eat the bite of cookie and don’t feel bad about it at all. I look in the mirror and want to change some things, and I will keep trying in some ways, but I generally shrug and say “eh, who cares?” And I move on from it. It’s always a battle and struggle to some extent, but I hope you find more peace in how you look at yourself and feel about yourself. It’s been freeing to finally get to a place where I feel more comfortable. You will too, and you deserve to! Your talented and successful, and SO MUCH MORE than one tiny fraction of what makes up a human being. Anyway, just wanted to post my thoughts on this beautiful and relatable post you shared. Happy Sunday to you!

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  152. Hey Dorothy,

    I got here through a link from your latest post, and I’m so glad that you seem to be making real progress.

    I’ve had similar problems in my relationship with food and it is SO difficult when you’re a food blogger. Today for the first time in a very long time I made three desserts for my blog without eating a ton of cookie dough and other stuff while I was making it. I was so proud of myself! But equally next week I might eat more cookie dough. I won’t let that mean that it’s okay for me to beat myself up, or sink into a cycle of eating crap. Sugar is addictive for lots of people and it’s difficult to break the addiction, especially when you’re around it all the time.

    You are a really really beautiful lady with a lovely family and it would be such a shame if you lived your whole life with this kind of unhappiness around your appearance. You are SO much more than that, and your self-worth is so much more than that. And negative self-talk is so harmful. Think how you would feel if someone said those things to your daughter or friend. That’s a hard habit to break too but it can be done. xxx

  153. I am in awe of your bravery. And at the ability to have gotten inside my psyche. Having been called “chubby”, “pudgy”, “overweight”, “fat cow”, “tub of lard” (should I go on?), your words struck right at the heart of my inadequacies. For years, I truly believed that the only thing I was any good at was failure, and boy howdy, I was a champion at that!

    I can’t imagine what a panic you must have been in to realize you were influencing your precious daughter’s self image. It’s bad enough that the voice in our head manipulates our happiness, but to have it spill over onto our innocent children seems at once cruel, and a wake up call. Because, as I read somewhere (on Facebook, I’m sure, because isn’t that where all truth surfaces?) that we HAVE fat, just like we have freckles, or knobby knees. We would never say “I AM freckles”. They don’t define us, they don’t show to the world what failures we are. But guess what? Now I have fat. I also have freckles. And wrinkles. And grey hairs. But they aren’t what I am. I am more than that, and day by day, I’m un-learning that self hating behavior. Some days, I win the battle, some days, well, you know. So, all that to say, thank you for your bravery, and I hope women and girls everywhere-okay, boys too- read your words and realize that they too have the power to change their thinking.

  154. I’ve been suffering with my weight problems since I was 9 years old. Although I’d a terrible childhood I’ve always had bad weight. I’ve been called horrendous names by people in my school and my own family. This struck a cord as I am a binge eater. When I’m emotional I eat and eat and eat until I can’t eat anymore. Then my head kicks in and it does exactly what yours does. I’ve struggled with diets etc so I haven’t done any. I’m disabled so exercise is really hard for me as it’s fibromyalgia and scholiosis which gives me constant pain. I’m glad that you wrote on here about this as I know it will help others. I had a childhood that no child should have and suffered abuse, I was called tree trunk legs, sloth, sugar plum fairy, by my mother. Fatso, if I ever fell I’d need harland and wolfs crane to come and lift me. Fat a**, fat bit*h, ugly cow, sloth like candy, all horrible. Not a happy childhood, then there was the physical abuse being hit all the time by my brother. He’d get me in trouble for nothing.So I’d get hit again by my mother. Horrible, not happy about that. So I unhappily ate the pain and anger away. Although it never went away it just sticks there.

    • I’m so so sorry for your struggles. I hope you know that you’re beautiful inside and out! I hope that someday you can let go of all the demons of your past. ❤️ Thank you so much for reading!

  155. Pingback: Mexican Wedding Cookies { + writing about difficult issues } | Wallflour Girl

  156. Hey Dorothy, this is a beautiful post! It speaks truth for a lot of females, all across the age spectrum. One little piece of advice that I like to say is that healthy is different than skinny. It is a hard concept to understand but I and other females alike need to start associating health with happiness instead of depending on skinniness for happiness. Much love!

  157. This: “If I start a diet and cheat, I’ve failed. If I don’t work out as hard as I should, I’ve failed.” This flipped the light switch of understanding for me. Thank you. I am a people-pleaser with an immense fear of failure, which has held me back from so many things in my life. It all leads to frustration for me because I cannot get logic to outweigh the emotion attached. I need to lose about 100 lbs, and even that will put me a the high end of the BMI scale for my height (I got here looking for a cake recipe for my almost 7-yr-old daughter’s birthday). Baked good are my kryptonite, savory or sweet. Thank you for writing this.

  158. I read this post here on body issues. I can relate, who can’t? BUT I want you to know before I read it, I saw the picture of your family and I thought what a beautiful girl and her beautiful momma. Really, true girl! I think y’all are gorgeous and I am sugar-addicted and can’t stop thinking about the chocolate-covered coconut things. When I saw y’all, I just thought pretty ladies and look at the sweets!

  159. This is a lovely post. I too have struggled with my weight and body image my whole life. As much as I love my mother, I can remember watching her stand in front of the mirror and saying how fat she was. She still does, and I am a grown woman. Now as a mother, I want so badly for my little girl (who is 6) to have a good body image. I know that starts with me, its SO HARD.

  160. Dorothy,

    I admire your openness and honesty with something that is a huge problem for women in a world with so much societal pressure put on being thin. I can very much relate, but as I was reading, I realized that I wish I was in your position instead of the one that having symptoms of an eating disorder led me: To have a serious one. Unfortunately I did not fail at becoming anorexic. What this terrible disorder has taught me is that failing at it is something to be proud of and I wish I had the strength to not take actions based on that voice in my head. Although the scale or mirror might show you something that isn’t ideal, it at least shows you as a strong and healthy woman, which is a lot more than I can say. I’m not trying to tell you that “it could be worse,” but rather, pleading that you understand that happiness does not come with being thin. Food brings people together and your blog has surely made dessert the best part of many gatherings. Thinking about everything I put in my mouth, or whether or not I should, is the most exhausting and stressful curse that I could ever ask for. You have already showed the strength to overcome restrictive behaviors and I have faith that you can shut down the voice in your head as well. You are beautiful, not defined by the picture I see of you, but the person within. Don’t let external image have any say in that beauty. 

  161. I just signed up for your mailing list and have been perusing your recipes (so far, every single one of them looks delicious!) since 5:40am. It’s 6:54 am and my boys will be up soon. But right now, it’s Mommy’s time with her morning coffee :O) I just stumbled over this post and feel like I’m reading my own story, minus the food blogging. The voice in my head is the same as yours and my struggles with my weight are eerily similar. I’ve been overweight for most of my life. Two pregnancies and two back surgeries have not helped, but my doctor has a rather pragmatic way of looking at the human battle with body-weight. He tells his patients who struggle with it about two of the main factors that determine a person’s weight, yet are out of their control. Both serve to absolve us of blame, which CAN be a good thing, if we realize that there are also factors that we CAN control.

    Number one: we picked the wrong parents to be born to. And number two: we lived long enough for the genes to express themselves.
    What each of us does with that is up to us. But maybe, just MAYBE, remembering these things the next time the self-conscious, judgmental ten year-old in your head tells you you’re fat, you might say “Go Google the word ‘genetics’, punk!”

  162. Every other person who has already commented on this post has said it so beautifully – but you are not alone. Your story sounds so familiar, and truly resonates. As much as I love sugar, I’m so glad you took the time and courage to post this. So thank you, and I hope that everyone who struggles with these same issues – including your beautiful daughter – learns to love themselves for exactly who they are, and not what they look like.

  163. Late to the party but I had to chime in. I’m 100% where you are. The things I think about to help are: I could devote my life to being stick-thin, but then I wouldn’t have time or energy to do ANYTHING else. I realized raising my kid well and doing charity and doing a job that I love are more important than maintaining a certain body shape. And that really is the trade off you’d have to make if you’re not genetically ‘lucky’.

    I also work on what I say when I look in the mirror. What seems to work best for me is ‘imperfect but still good and worthwhile’. We’re all imperfect and willing to forgive or ignore flaws in others but not ourselves. I try to accept that my body isn’t perfect by society’s (patriarchal and bull-s***) standards and that doesn’t mean I’m less of a person, less deserving of love and respect. I definitely also focus on that societal pressure source and embrace the ‘girls rule boys drool’ attitude which might help your daughter too. Why should we care what a whole bunch of men have decided the right way to look is?? If you exercise and eat veggies and can do the activities you want to do, then you are healthy. When you actually look at the scientific studies, there isn’t a causative link between weight and diseases, just sendentary lifestyle and diseases, which are then combined in our minds with no thought towards genetics. /end rant This was half for my own reassurance too, ha! Stay strong lovely!

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