Crazy for Crust

105
Feb 28

Me…and weight {an update}

not a number

About six months ago I wrote a really long post about my issues with weight and body image. That post was so cathartic to write, and it really opened my eyes to what I was going through. The response was overwhelming – literally. So many women commented that I’d just written about their lives, shared their stories of guilt and hatred and eating disorders. I knew other women felt like I did…but I really didn’t know just how much.

To me, writing that post really was so that I could become more conscious of what I was doing to myself and, indirectly, doing to my daughter. The self-destructive internal dialogue I was using was not healthy and it is not something I want to teach her. I think that post was to give me accountability to myself. I put it out there, now could I change it?

I feel like, in the past few months, there has been a small shift in my thinking. And that’s why I figured I should write an update. I want to get my words down and out there again. To keep me accountable. To keep me working towards my eventual goal: a life without the voice. A life where I can just…live. Be me. No matter my weight!

In my post, I talked about triggers. Thinking about food, weighing myself, and actively dieting were high on that list; so was personal training. Last spring when I joined my current gym, I got a deal on training sessions. I signed up and did 11. They were horrible. I mean, they were good. He was a good trainer, but I felt so bad after those were over. I hated going. They made me want to quit going to the gym – period. I felt like he focused on food and what I ate and I left there every day more upset at myself than ever.

Over the summer, my husband started working with a different trainer. From the stories my husband told, the guy sounded great. So when it came time for Online BlogCon and the crush of work I knew would make me forget my gym routine, I decided to sign up with Mel’s trainer to keep me going to the gym (if I was paying extra – I’d go). I was really, really nervous. I didn’t want to feel triggered again, but I had a feeling it would be different – and it has been.

I said awhile ago that finding the right trainer is like finding the right therapist – you won’t always find it the first time around. From day one I told B, the trainer, that I didn’t want to talk about food. Or weight. I just wanted to work out. And he totally respected that. I’ve been working with him now for almost five months and the only time food discussions have come up are when I bring them up.

That’s the mark of a good trainer: they listen. And they hear.

B is a coach as well as a trainer, so that’s how he trains. When you’re working with him he makes you feel like a rockstar – like you can do anything. And you know what? After awhile I began to believe it. I was strong. I AM strong. I can say that now. I can believe it. I can do things I never thought I could do.

Never in my life have I ever been able to say it…and believe it at the same time.

Finding the right trainer and changing up my workouts and learning how to work out has changed me. I’ve learned that cardio is great, but strength training is better. I can do exercises I was always afraid to try on my own. I can finally believe I’m strong, and that, even though I didn’t lose a pound, I feel better about myself.

I feel better about myself. That’s something I haven’t been able to say in years.

When I started this journey of self-improvement and discovery last summer, I realized there would be different areas I needed to focus on. The first was that I needed to not worry about the food; I needed to realize that I’m a strong person good enough without worrying about a number. I feel like I’ve overcome that one pretty well. Recently, I’ve hit a plateau in my healing. Believing strength can only take you so far before the doubt creeps back in.

Even though I can now say (and believe) I’m strong, I need to work on seeing it. Even though I haven’t lost much weight at all, my body has changed. I see it in my face, and I see it in my ankles. (I’ve always thought my calves and ankles were my best feature, so it follows that I notice changes there.) The other day B told me to do my triceps work looking in the mirror so I could see all the definition I now have. I laughed at him and faced the wall.

I don’t look in the mirror at the gym. I don’t like looking in the mirror, period.

Mel says that I look different…but I don’t see really see it.  Whenever I look in the mirror and notice my butt looks good, it’s quickly followed with but my stomach is so big. Or I notice definition in my arms when I’m putting my hair in a pony tail, but then when I relax them all I see is tricep fat.

I need to work on looking in the mirror and seeing the changes and nothing else. I need to get to the point where I can say, “yeah my ass looks good in these pants!” and not chase it with “but I have a muffin top.”

When I read Almost Anorexia last summer, one of the things that really struck me was when it said that when people look at me, the first thing they see is not my fat. It’s not my belly rolls, or my flabby arms or my hips. They see my eyes or my smile, and they probably don’t notice anything else.

That was an eye opener for me…and a head scratcher. Like, really? They don’t see all my flaws when they look at me? How is that possible? It’s all I see about myself. So that’s something else I need to work on…seeing myself in the mirror. Really seeing myself, paying attention to detail and looking past everything else.

I’m trying to taking it one step at a time. When I put on a pair of pants I haven’t felt comfortable wearing in a long time, I’m trying to congratulate myself, instead of saying “well, this won’t last long, you ate cookies for lunch.”

Which leads me to my next, and biggest challenge I need to work on: food. I need to improve my relationship with food.

I can’t workout hard forever. I have to be okay with skipping the gym sometimes. My main issue with not working out is the mentality “I ate X so now I have to do Y.” If I don’t change the way I eat, nothing will matter in the long run, because I will gain weight. The voice will come back in full force.

I need to start looking at food as “to sustain my life” instead of just something I do without thinking.

I need to stop worrying that I’m ruining all my hard work because I take two tastes of a recipe.

Over the past three months I wrote a cookbook. It was about 8 straight weeks of 6+ hour days baking dessert. Tasting dessert. Remaking dessert. Because of all the working out, I managed to get through it all without gaining much (I don’t weigh myself often, but my clothes feel the same or a little better). That, in itself, I consider to be a small miracle. But now I’m in a much worse habit of dessert tasting. I want it all the time! Eight weeks of constant sugar will do that to you.

Right now, I feel like I’m standing in front of a wall. Beyond the wall is a long obstacle course, called food. In order to move on with my healing, I know I need to break through the wall (my insecurities about food) and go through the path ahead. The wall is my fear and anxiety about the road. Tracking what I eat, counting calories, limiting food without limiting too much, and ignoring the voice that will call me out when I “fail”.

Here’s the thing: I know I’m going to “fail” sometimes when I start watching what I eat. I’m a dessert blogger: there are days I have to taste dessert. It’s in the job description. There are going to be days I have to taste dessert three or four times.

There are going to be days I just want a cookie. And I’m going to eat one. Or, I’ll eat three.

My fear comes from the fact that when that does happen, the voice in my head will get mean.

It’ll call me F-A-T.

It’ll call me a pig.

It’ll tell me over and over and over again that I shouldn’t have eaten what I just did, and it’ll make me feel worthless and hopeless.

So I’m scared. I’m scared of breaking through the wall and going through the next challenge. Rationally, I know it’s silly to worry about it: I know there will be good days and bad days. But the fear, the anxiety, is still there.

I know I have to stop being afraid. I was afraid before I started working with B, and seriously, that’s changed my life – for the better. So this will too. Eventually.

I started writing down what I eat. I tracked what I ate for two days and the world didn’t implode. Then I forgot to track and just…stopped. I need to start focusing on it so it can become a habit, so I can keep track and remind myself: I ate dessert after lunch. I don’t need it after dinner too. Or maybe I do want it after dinner too, but that shouldn’t be a big deal once in awhile. (But it is, in my head, anyway.)

How do you deal with changing how you eat? Do you follow a special meal plan? Do you track points or keep a diary? Use any good apps? I’d love to know.

Anyway, I think I’m on the right path. Even though it’s a hard one, filled with potholes and obstacles. I feel like the rational side of me is getting stronger. Hopefully I can start listening to it more. :)

I think if there is one things I’ve learned over the past 5 months, it’s that I can change my body without focusing on food. I thought that I would never feel good in skinny jeans unless I stopped eating. I’d never feel sexy or think I looked pretty unless I gave up dessert.

Sure, would it be healthier to eat more healthy foods and less dessert? Yes. Would I notice more change in some of the annoying problem areas? Yes. But I’m coming to realize that food is not the defining force in changing me. I am the force. I’m working really hard at exercise, and I see results…when I allow myself to see them. I can still eat a cookie or two and change the way my body feels. I think that realization is a huge one, because I never realized that before. For me, weight has always been tied to a number. Body shape and size has always been tied to what I eat. I think that, for me to change my relationship with food, I needed to be able to see that I could affect the way I looked without thinking about food. Does that make sense?

Now I know that weight can mean strength. I have not lost more than a few pounds, but I’ve gained a lot of muscle. The number on the scale would, in the past, put me over the edge, because it meant I was F-A-T. Now, I think it makes me strong.

Food should not be what defines how I feel. I should define that.

And I think I might be starting to believe that…for today anyway.

Now that I know that food and weight/self-worth/image are not the same thing, I hope I am able to break through that wall and conquer the actual eating part.

At least…in theory, anyway. We’ll see how it’s going tomorrow. :)

Thank you all again for your outpouring after my last post, and for reading this one. I still go back and read the old one sometimes, to remind myself of what I was feeling to get me to this place. Where I am now is so much better than where I was then, so I know that some day, the place where I will be will be the best yet.

Eventually, I’ll get there. And if you’re battling these demons, you can do it too. We can do it together.

Thanks so much for reading. I appreciate every single one of you.

xo

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105 Responses to “Me…and weight {an update}”

  1. angela@spinachtiger posted on February 28, 2014 at 7:01 am (#)

    First, Dorothy, I applaud your transparency. I have always wanted to share my concerns with weight on my blog. I’ve even made video tapes I’ve never posted. I understand and relate to sometimes the fear. I write about restaurants and here’s something I’ve noticed. When I go on food press tours or am invited to press dinners at fancy restaurants, 90% of the food bloggers who LOVE LOVE LOVE food are NOT overweight. This has intrigued me. I also realize I’ve lost about 8 pounds since writing my blog and being more food enamored than ever. Reflecting back, I’ve found a way to be around food, love it, eat it and stay within a mostly normal weight range. I don’t ever measure skinny, but I’m not really overweight either. I could lose 10 pounds and not miss it. But it’s not 100 pounds. I exercise consistently my whole life and there were times I would get depressed if I missed. No longer. My body has shown me it quickly recovers and gets back. I’m relaxing into food without giving up the pleasures of fine dining and fine cooking at home. But, Dorothy, I get afraid to tell people that I still go in and out of fear (although perhaps momentarily), a weight gain can crush my day. I am no longer afraid of food. I embrace it. I am still afraid of a little extra weight, but I love that you said “food no longer defines you.” You are doing all the right things, the main right thing is how you’re working on your inside. I accidentally found you today via twitter. Glad I did. I think I’m ready to write that post.

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 7:24 am

      Thank you Angela! It took me so long to hit publish on that first one, and today I had to just GO without thinking. I figure, if my story helps someone, it’s good. And your story will help someone too. I only wish I could be around food and not devour all of it! That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment. Thanks for reading!!

      Reply

  2. Annamaria @ Bakewell Junction posted on February 28, 2014 at 7:03 am (#)

    I think I know how you feel. Even those times in my life when I was fit and thin I never thought I was. Now that I’ve gained weight, I’m beside myself. I’m trying to lose but we”ll see.
    Annamaria

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 7:22 am

      Try not focusing on the food right away. Try making changes in exercise, then the food. I think that’s helped me a lot!

      Reply

      • Suzanne replied on March 5th, 2014 at 8:03 am

        From my personal experience, I think that’s excellent advice! We tend to look at food as the enemy and sometimes decide we will completely give up sugar or junk food or whatever. The beautiful thing is, though, that when we exercise regularly we begin to feel so much healthier and stronger on the inside and those feelings typically lead to wiser food choices. It’s a win-win! Thank you so much for sharing. I can most certainly relate! I’ve been thin and fit almost my entire life. But for the last three years (since my pregnancy with my third child) I let it all go and I’m overweight and so uncomfortable with my body. After my fourth baby is born in a few weeks, I plan to get back into a healthy routine so I can feel like the healthy me again!

  3. Lisa @ Je suis alimentageuse posted on February 28, 2014 at 7:46 am (#)

    Dorothy!! I love this post. I totally understand what it’s like to finally be able to say that you feel good about yourself. All of my life I’ve been on the heavy end of the scale because I guess I just have a crazy amount of muscle mass underneath my cushion of er..let’s say insulation. I weighed at least 20 lbs heavier than all of my friends, could never get a good coat or any sort of fashionable boots because my shoulders were too broad or calves too big thanks to a combo of muscle and fat.

    It’s been a goal of mine to start to accept my body, accept myself, and not feel guilty for wanting to improve with good food choices and choices that will make me happy (my saturday posts this year haha). Thank you for sharing your story about your struggles, your vulnerabilities, and in turn, showing us your strength.
    You rock.
    Revel in your strength.
    ~L

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 10:36 am

      Thank you Lisa!! That whole “bigger than the friends” thing is SO hard, especially for a kid. You’re an amazing person! We can accept ourselves, I know we can. Thank you for sharing your story!! ((hugs))

      Reply

  4. Shannon @ bake.frost.repeat posted on February 28, 2014 at 7:51 am (#)

    Hey Dorothy! Thanks for sharing! I have struggled with weight ALL my life and it really doesn’t help that I have a baking blog and LOVE to bake. I literally have to give away all the food that I put on my blog. I can’t have it around in the house. This past year, I had a goal to lose 40lbs by my 40th birthday (November) and I met my goal, which has completely flabbergasted me! I still have a feeling of accomplishment and I am still making small goals for myself as I still have more weight to lose. What has helped me the most is myfitnesspal app and walking everyday. And what an accomplishment for you to 1: write a cookbook and 2: maintain your weight during that time. Very awesome and I can’t wait for the book!!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 10:35 am

      Thank you so much Shannon! Congratulations – that is a huge accomplishment. I hope to be inspired by it. :) And I’m going to check out myfitnesspal for sure!

      Reply

  5. Brianne @ Cupcakes & Kale Chips posted on February 28, 2014 at 8:10 am (#)

    You are an inspiration, Dorothy, just for being so honest, and for trying to be a good example for Jordan. I always say I could never be a full time dessert blogger, because when I do experiment with desserts, I just want to EAT THEM ALL. I have no willpower whatsoever, and I also don’t always want to give them away – I worked so hard, spent my money, I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor! So I give you ladies so much credit for being able to taste test, and give it away or “just say no”. And it is so easy to get sucked in to sitting at the computer or being in the kitchen or taking photos instead of getting in that exercise. I appreciate when you and Ashton and Karyn and others talk about the “occupational hazards”, because then I don’t feel alone! My weight is honestly not a major issue, but with a history of heart disease in my family, and two little boys, I need to be healthy and have energy!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 10:34 am

      Ha, Just say no is NOT in my vocabulary, which is why I have to give it away! I swear the IRS should let me write off training, or at least my gym membership. Totally a business expense! :) Thanks so much for reading Brianne!

      Reply

  6. Millie posted on February 28, 2014 at 8:26 am (#)

    Oh wow, such a wonderful post :) Thank you for sharing. I love your blog, even though I’m vegan! your recipes inspire me to create vegan versions! weight can be such a strange demon, I think most people have a little demon voice in their head that comments every time they eat a second helping of cake, I know I have in the past! But now I find a great deal of peace in telling that demon to shut the sod up, cake is wonderful, and I know it’s a cliche but we get one go round on this beautiful planet and we’re lucky enough to be alive when cake and ice cream have been invented! :) I find as long as I’m happy, things like diet and exercise seem to fall into place. I think you’re right, finding the exercise that suits you is important because once you enjoy it it’s gravy all the way :) Thanks again for this post and when is your cookbook out?! x
    http://www.strawberriesandsquiggles.blogspot.co.uk

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 10:32 am

      Exactly my point: what is the point of living this life if you deprive yourself of wonderful things?? And happiness does play into it a lot – the more stressed I am, the meaner I am to myself. Thank you so much!!

      (I’m told October for the book. I’ll believe it when I see it, LOL!)

      Reply

  7. Connie posted on February 28, 2014 at 8:32 am (#)

    Before reading this, I had to go back to read your previous post. Thank you for being so honest and raw. I had many of the same feelings towards myself, and had similar experience reaching puberty, and thinking that I was so fat and unworthy as a teen. I felt that way for a long time. It wasn’t really until mid last year (I’m 31 now) that I was able to think more positively about myself. A simple concept that made all the difference. A combination of better eating/more active lifestyle coupled with positive body image personalities (Georgina Horne, Tess Munster, and @honorcurves on Instagram), I started feeling better about it all. It was like an epiphany one day. My fitness journey began with me wanting to spend more time with a friend–she suggested I go with her to gym so we could work out together. Although not long after she was unable to go, I still went on my. I started changing my eating habits (very simple at first–prepare mostly all my meals, cut back on soda and and other junk food items). I still have a long ways to go to where I want to be, but I’m no longer where I was. I’m not much lighter, but I feel so much better and stronger, and I love my body with all its squishy glory. This hasn’t been the first time I tried getting in shape, I’ve tried many other times, but I was unsuccessful because I was working out to be thin, not to be healthy. I also had the “all or nothing” mentality towards it. Thankfully I know better now. Eating one junky meal or skipping one workout isn’t going to undo all the good I’ve done. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I wish you the best!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 10:31 am

      “working out to be thin, not to be healthy” That’s TOTALLY it. In the past every time I tried to “fix” myself, it was because I wanted skinny (which is something, honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be – the version of “skinny” I envision). So changing my thinking about myself, getting stronger, that makes me a healthy person, even if I’m squishy. :) Thank you so much for sharing your story!!

      Reply

  8. FeauxCajun posted on February 28, 2014 at 8:52 am (#)

    This is an awesome post, Dorothy! I think it’s awesome that you found a trainer who works with you and makes you feel like the rockstar that you ToTALLY are. It is definitely hard to be a food blogger & battle with weight & image issues. I hope you’re able to continue to grow emotionally & physically as you travel through this experience.

    For me, my FitBit has been amazing. I got it at Christmas & have lost 14 pounds. Before I got it, I didn’t track my food or exercise or anything…but now it’s part of my daily routine. The fact that the Fitbit keeps track of all my steps for me is really helpful, and it calculates how many calories I can have each day based on my activity level. That way I know–if it’s date night & I don’t go to the gym, I probably need to have a nice salad for dinner, whereas if I get to go to the gym, I can look at my app and see “Sweet! I have [600] calories left for dinner!” and I can splurge a little more. Also, the communities on the FitBit site are really nice; there’s a local community for my town, and we do personal challenges each month (like, “as a group, let’s take 5 million steps this month!”) so you get the feeling of being part of a team. It also shows you steps for other friends who have FitBits, and I love the friendly competition that arises from that. Two of my coworkers also have them and we check in on each other throughout the day with little notes like, “I’m at 4,260; where are you?”

    Can’t wait to see the cookbook!!!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 10:25 am

      Thank you so much!! I need to get in that mindset more, with the food. I’m going to check out the FitBit! Mel was using an armband for awhile and really liked it. It may be a good thing for me too. :)

      Reply

      • FeauxCajun replied on February 28th, 2014 at 1:51 pm

        If you decide to get one, drop me a note over at my blog and maybe we can be FitBit pals! :D

  9. Emily @ Life on Food posted on February 28, 2014 at 9:43 am (#)

    Most of my pants are tight right now and I know it is time to do something. I have really been inspired by these posts – knowing someone else is going through some of my same thoughts and feelings. I hope they continue. I am very happy you found a good trainer.

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 10:23 am

      Thanks Emily! I feel you. Don’t obsess about food first. Change up your workout a little. Once you notice a difference in how you feel (hopefully) food will get easier (in theory, anyway). ((hugs))

      Reply

  10. Andrea posted on February 28, 2014 at 10:09 am (#)

    Dorothy, thank you for sharing your heart! I know that so many women struggle with body image, food, and weight issues, but it’s rare to hear a person I admire speak of it so transparently. I share similar demons, and have for as long as I can remember. I was a chubby kid, and until about 7th grade was always one of the chubbiest in my classes. Between the feelings of shame and embarrassment in those early years and growing up watching both my parents always talking themselves down and always being on diets, I learned that it is the norm to be overly critical about my body. Even after I thinned out in the 7th grade, I have never been able to feel consistently good about my body. I, like you, fear of passing this onto my daughter if I should have one some day. I work at a bakery, which makes it even harder! I’m so hard on myself every time I mess up and eat too many scones or cheeserolls… I’m still trying to figure out how to quiet the voice, but something I just started doing is tracking what I eat on this app called “value diary.” It’s basically a rip off of weight watchers without the high monthly fee. What I like about it is that instead of tracking calories, it takes carbs, fat, protein, and fiber into consideration and comes out with a number. This feels much less obsessive to me than counting every calorie! Also, part of the “diet” is that you can eat as many fruits and veggies as you want. I love this because it isn’t emphasizing eliminating anything necessarily, just helps me to keep portion control in check and encourages me to eat way more fruits and veg than I would normally.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing- it’s nice to know that this battle isn’t one we face alone!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 10:22 am

      Thank you so much for sharing your story Andrea! And thank you so much for that app suggestion. I’m totally going to check it out. Counting calories bugs me. :) Thank you again!!

      Reply

  11. Sarah@ This Farm Family's Life posted on February 28, 2014 at 11:16 am (#)

    This is a great post! I too am currently struggling with my weight. I don’t think people look at me and see an overweight person, but when I look at myself I see one. I’ve had three kids so obviously my body has stretched severely. I have started working out,but it is so hard to find the time to do it…plus I love to cook and bake which makes eating healthy a challenge!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 1:04 pm

      That’s for sure! And working out is so hard to get into a habit, especially with the kids at home! Thank you for reading!! ((hugs))

      Reply

  12. Annie @ Annie's Noms posted on February 28, 2014 at 11:28 am (#)

    I’m so glad you’ve decided to post an update, I still remember reading your first post, and I replied with my own story as well. I am literally at the same stage as you now. This year I’ve been focusing on being healthy and doing exercise, I’ve started doing weights and we got a rowing machine. I feel a lot stronger in myself and my boyfriend has noticed the difference too. I’m much more relaxed. I haven’t weighed myself since Christmas. I am not fixed, but I feel like the next step for me too is to break through the wall of fear when it comes to food. Although I’m not blogging much at the moment (final term at Uni) – I know that when I make things, I need to try them and it’s not going to make me put weight on if I just have a taste. My mind still tries to tell me otherwise, but I finally feel like I could be getting strong enough to overcome it. Maybe I’ll have to find a trainer, it seems like it’s made a lot of difference to you :) And I think I really need to keep reminding myself that when people see me they are not looking at my stomach or my thighs, it’s my smile they see first! Thank you for this post and we can do this!!! Stay strong :))

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 1:03 pm

      Yes we can! Thank you Annie, for reading and for your words of encouragement! We can get through it all! ((hugs))

      Reply

  13. Kayle (The Cooking Actress) posted on February 28, 2014 at 12:28 pm (#)

    Thank you so much for the update Dorothy! You’re so inspirational-everything you say just makes SENSE! And I’m so glad you found a new trainer you like, he sounds really amazing! Keep trying thinking positive, keep being awesome <3

    Reply

  14. Kristin posted on February 28, 2014 at 4:12 pm (#)

    This just about made me cry. I wish you and I could just have lunch together and hash all this out.
    I would like to recommend http://www.thereallife-rd.com and thebalancedlife.com. These two ladies are changing the way I think about food. If I could recommend anything, ever, it would be to please try pilates. It transforms your body in the best way in just a few minutes a day. And you don’t have to go to the gym for it!
    When I was working out over the summer, I got to be too skinny. Actually, I was pretty muscular, but when I stopped working out everyday, the muscle fell off and then I was too skinny. It’s a daily process to tell myself I don’t have to work out. My body has changed a lot in the last few months. Still thin, but I’m trying to fill it with good food, healthy fats, and not do cardio as a way to “stay in shape”. I do cardio maybe once a week. Has the world ended because I’ve more or less stopped working out? It hasn’t. And my pants still fit.
    *hugs*

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 6:05 pm

      I wish we could too!! I wish they had pilates at my gym. My trainer teaches it at a local junior college, I need to tell him to start doing a class, lol. I should get a video. :) The not working out thing is a BIG issue for me, something I’m totally going to have to work on. I’m not working out tomorrow…and I’m going to try not to have an anxiety attack. Thanks for always being such a friend Kristin!!

      Reply

  15. Sherry posted on February 28, 2014 at 4:36 pm (#)

    You are a courageous and intelligent woman! Embrace yourself and then make your plan; you will succeed! Fortunately I have been blessed with “thin-ness” although I am constantly doing something: walking, biking, hiking. And, even though I love to bake, I prefer to share my goodies rather than indulge. I think you will achieve all your goals!!

    Reply

  16. Marguerite N posted on February 28, 2014 at 4:46 pm (#)

    Thank you for posting this! I too struggle with my weight, but I haven’t quite learned the lessons you’ve learned about silencing that inner voice! You’re an inspiration to me!
    I love the fact that you’re admitting your fear and conquering it!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 6:03 pm

      Thank you Marguerite! I still have a long way to go. I think that being so conscious of it and working hard to silence it is helping a lot. We can totally silence that voice, I know we can!! Thanks so much for reading. xo

      Reply

  17. Lucy posted on February 28, 2014 at 4:47 pm (#)

    I am so glad you keep sharing with us about you and not just all of your amazing recipes! You are a great woman and you are so brave, much braver than I will ever be, to share this and embrace your self in the way you do! Thank you, you are a great inspiration for all of us!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 6:01 pm

      Thank you so much Lucy!! Thanks for reading!

      Reply

  18. Lin posted on February 28, 2014 at 4:52 pm (#)

    I’ve been blogging about my struggle with weight loss too, and it helps keep me focused. The first 3 weeks I lost 10 lbs, then 4 birthdays in 5 days hit and of course it was impossible to keep on track. Getting sick doesn’t help either. But the accountability is very important and so I write every day. I’m now on week . My goal is to lose 10 – 15 lbs a month until I reach my goal.

    Keep writing and stay focused, even when you deviate from the plan. I never call it a diet. I’ve been on a diet my whole life. It’s my lifestyle. :)

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 6:00 pm

      Exactly, diet is a horrid dirty word. It’s totally a lifestyle! Thanks for reading Lin!

      Reply

  19. Gale Oliver posted on February 28, 2014 at 4:57 pm (#)

    YOU ARE STRONG ! Might I say even stronger to post your most inner feeling! I am hitting that milestone of 60 this November! Geesh, even crazy to write it out !! I set my mind to walking June 1, 2013 – started slowly and worked my way up to 20 miles per week – not concentrating on my diet – but the portion size — the BIGGIE was I cut out all soda ( only drank diet ) and my beloved French vanilla coffee creamer ! I started drinking water ~ lots of water ! I have lots of energy, have lost inches, and just over 20 lb. ~~ then Christmas Eve I broke my ankle — good news I continues to watch my portion size and now I have Doctor’s okay to get back out and hit that pavement —

    I wish you all the Luck in the world – I love your stories as you blog your recipes and put you into my prayers that you are and WILL make the exercise part of your lifestyle and your daughter will see she has a wonderful role model in her Mother !! Hugs XOXO

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 5:59 pm

      Thank you Gale! Thanks for sharing your story. And your ankle – I’m so glad it’s better. How yucky!! Thank you for your kind words, I so appreciate them!! xo

      Reply

  20. Amy posted on February 28, 2014 at 5:19 pm (#)

    Dorothy, you are incredibly strong. To go through 8 intensive weeks of dessert recipe testing and still have your clothes fit about the same and your sanity? That is a huge accomplishment and something worth being exceptionally proud of.

    I read a book called “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Short Mediations” almost every single day, and even though it doesn’t directly address food and diet issues, it’s been really helpful for getting my loving, peaceful, self-accepting side back. There are quite a few amazing quotes in there, and the one that I repeat to myself numerous times throughout the day is, “My body is a perfect vehicle for my soul.” Our bodies are just that — a vehicle — and don’t completely define us. Because you’re right — you aren’t a number, and you aren’t even your body. The stuff that makes you you, that makes you a beautiful person, has always been there and always will be. You have been, and always will be, perfect exactly as you are. Regardless of what changes you’d like to make or see, you are still perfect. You are incredible Dorothy, and we all love you!

    Reply

  21. marla posted on February 28, 2014 at 5:37 pm (#)

    Thank you for this post and your honest vulnerability. We KNOW you are strong and glad you know it – so you just keep believing it. Being able to write this post is a testament to your strength – you go girl! I love myfitnessspal, You can get the app on your phone and it is so easy to use. I hat counting calories too and myfitnesspal does it for you. I am a terrible night snacker and I know I am going to do it. Something that helps me has been finding a few things that I like, and know what the combined calores of those things are, and just continue to eat those things most days, so I know what I have left over for my night snacking. I eat some protein with every meal and drink lots of water – all day. I used to HAtE water, but now actuaally like it. So most mornings I have an english muffin toasted with a slice of that really thin sargento cheddar cheese and a piece of canadian bacon. For morning snack I have a piece of string cheese. For lunch I have a low carb tortillia/wrap (mission carb balance) with some deli turkey or ham and a slice of sargento thin Swiss cheese. For afternoon snack I have Light and Fit greek yogurt (sometimes I put strawberries in it) or if I am not somewhere to be able to have yogurt, I have a Fiber one protein granola bar (the caramel nut and coconut almond are wonderful). Then at night for dinnner I try to just do portion control with a protein and a vegetable or salad. That leaves me room to snack quite a bit at night. If I eat donuts or cake or something during the day, then just try to snack less. I really think the combination of the fitbit to tell you how many calories you are burning, and my fitness pal to count your calories for you will help. I am sending you a BIG hug. You are strong. You can do this!! And, if you never lose a pound, you are beautiful – you are God’s child!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      Thank you so much Marla!! I love hearing what you eat during the day – that is seriously the hardest thing for me. I am such a boring (picky) eater and I have problems finding things that will have enough protein. I’m learning how important protein is!! Thank you so much for reading and for your comment!!

      Reply

  22. Kate @ Coffee with Kate posted on February 28, 2014 at 5:49 pm (#)

    Dorothy,

    I went back and read your previous post and am so thankful for you opening up and therefore causing all of your readers and fans to open up. Since I entered the “working world,” and live by myself while trying to navigate my twenties, I’ve developed quite an obsession with food and body image. I feel very alone out there but having a community that you’ve just created on your blog and reading everyone’s stories is so helpful to me. It’s hard not to become fixated with a perfect body and perfect lifestyle when perusing the internet and even the blog world, which I so often do especially since starting my own blog. A lot of my life revolves around food now, in good ways for my blog but in bad ways for my mentality. It’s quite the mind game, isn’t it? I’m trying to focus a few things now 1) strong is sexy. I enjoy working out and I usually lift weights and avoid cardio. it’s amazing the results i’ve noticed and toning I’ve noticed. Plus, being able to squat over 100lbs and deadlift 85 makes me feel really good and proud. Not many women out there do that stuff. 2) I need to wear clothes that are comfortable. Serious question: why do skinny jeans exist? To me, they’re so uncomfortable yet I buy new pairs like it’s nothing. When I’m in a pair of jeans or leggings and a top i like and feel good in, it’s amazing how much my mood lifts 3) writing down things that define me and make me who I am … even if some of them include “I love sugar and sweets” it’s a good way to self-reflect and I try to keep them less on-the-surface so fewer comments on my appearance and more on my personality, etc. 4) trying to drop the guilt. So what if I skipped the gym for a day or 4 days? “Yeah, I ate 12 cookies and they were awesome! I’m a great baker.”

    I want to escape this and not let it get any worse. Having support like this helps tremendously. I’ll keep working on the things i listed above too. It’s baby steps and a process.

    Seriously, thank you. We’re all in this together as powerful, smart women. We’re defined by soooo many good things. We see it in each other but now ourselves. Silly, huh?

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 5:55 pm

      Totally silly Kate. Ridiculously so. Thank you so much for reading! I love your focus points, especially comfy clothes and the guilt. OH THE GUILT. I have to miss the gym tomorrow. I should say “SO WHAT”…instead I’ll stress. I’m aware of it, so I think that’s part of the battle point to me. :) We CAN overcome this!

      Reply

  23. Laura C posted on February 28, 2014 at 5:59 pm (#)

    Dorothy,
    I love your blog and make so many of your delicious treats for my family. As I look at your beautiful picture, it is hard to believe that you can see anything in the mirror but that beauty. Keep up the great work on the blog and on your health!

    Reply

  24. Lisa posted on February 28, 2014 at 6:15 pm (#)

    Thank you for sharing. I love your blog. I am a diabetic being diagnosed in the past two years. I had no choice but to change my food because I was out of control and the medication I was on affected me really badly. I had to lose weight and change my food. I hit rock bottom. It was horrible. It scared me. It was life or death. I chose life. I stayed away from sugar like a drug addict stayed away from drugs. I lost 60 lbs. I had gallbladder surgery. I feel good. I am not there yet. I need to lose an additional 45 lbs. I started exercising for 8 weeks and I love it. I am at a plateau and it is related to my relationship with food. I eat more veggies and fruit, less red meat. I need to work on portion control. I need to add weight bearing exercises. Slowly but surely. I am not giving up. I can relate to your story and made me realize I am not alone. Sharing your story is caring. That is how I feel when I share mine. Someone is listening.

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 6:22 pm

      Thank you Lisa! We can’t ever give up. What you’ve done is a huge accomplishment! Portion control is SO hard. Strength training is the key to exercise, it really is. I always thought it was cardio, but the strength training gives the results. Thank you so much for reading. You’re inspiring to me!

      Reply

  25. Erika posted on February 28, 2014 at 6:20 pm (#)

    WTG! I’ve struggled with my weight most of my adult life. Keep trying and keep your head up!

    Reply

  26. Erin | The Emerging Foodie posted on February 28, 2014 at 7:14 pm (#)

    I love this, Dorothy! I admire you so much for posting about your struggles and being honest with yourself–that’s one of the hardest parts. I think every single woman can relate to this. You have so many people rallying around you and I know you can push through the wall! Keep staying strong and reaching out for help! (Also, did you know it’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week or was that totally coincidental??) :) xoxo

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 7:51 pm

      I had no idea!! That is totally a coincidence, but it’s a good one. Thank you so much Erin, for reading and for your comment. xo

      Reply

  27. Averie @ Averie Cooks posted on February 28, 2014 at 7:23 pm (#)

    Time flies. I remember that post like it was yesterday and boy my own life was very different. I actually have weird memories for being able to remember WHERE I was, what I was feeling, etc. when I read certain ppl’s blog posts. I knew I was in my old house. Sure enough the post was 8/23 and I moved 8/27 into the new one. That is neither here nor there for you, but suffice to say I remember every detail of that post and often have thought about it and your bravery for sharing so openly :)

    Onto where you are now. CONGRATS! You are making great strides and that’s what matters! And getting thru writing a cookbook w/out gaining weight is a HUGE miracle, not a small one! But wanting to do dessert tasting, well, it happens. LOL

    And finding a new trainer that clicks for you. Amen. And him RESPECTING your wishes and listening. Omg they are few and far between but so happy for you that you have found a gem!

    So happy for you :) And thank you for being so candid. You are so brave, Dorothy! xo

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on February 28th, 2014 at 7:51 pm

      Thank you Averie. Thanks for reading! I’m like that too – I always remember like that when I read certain things. I so appreciate you taking the time to read, to comment, and for being my friend!! xo

      Reply

  28. Layla @ Brunch Time Baker posted on February 28, 2014 at 7:57 pm (#)

    Dorothy, your story is very inspirational and represents a significant amount of women in the world today. Most women struggle with weight loss and never except themselves. I’m going to blame it on the media. The point is that you learned to accept yourself and that’s what matters most, you! I used to get very upset when I gain a few pound but now I learned to love myself because we are all beautiful! Thanks for sharing your story!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 6:26 am

      The media is such a part of this! It’s so hard to see all the “perfect” people. Thank you so much for reading and for your comment Layla! xo

      Reply

  29. Laurie F. posted on February 28, 2014 at 8:30 pm (#)

    Dorothy, that was so courageous and thoughtful to post that! This is not an easy society in which to be healthy – temptation is everywhere. I don’t like calorie or “points ” counting, but since Christmas I have lost 5 pounds (I know, not much ) just by cutting beef back to once a week, and only 4 ounces per serving, and eating wild salmon twice a week (4 -ounce serving), and no carbs after lunch. We have dinner of lean protein and a salad or cooked vegetables. The tips that helped me were (1) eat on a smaller plate and take smaller bites, ( 2)eat slower, especially dessert ( savor every small bite), (3) leave dinner still a little hungry, and ( 4) eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. Even after the indulgences of Christmas, my good cholesterol is way up, bad cholesterol substantially down, and blood sugar good. I don’t deny myself a small dessert after lunch, but I find that sugar addiction isn’t as strong if you crowd it out with small amounts of food you love (avocado, berries, almonds, Greek yogurt, and great salads). Williams-Sonoma has a fabulous Salads cookbook ( one for every day of the year). I don’t want my daughter to feel bad about her own body, so we are starting to work on strength together. It’s amazing what our bodies can do for us!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 6:26 am

      Thank you Laurie! I love those tips. Especially to eat dessert slower – I like to inhale it, ha! And #3, totally. My problem is I hate breakfast! Sigh. Thank you so much for always reading. Love you! Give that girl a hug for us. xoxo

      Reply

  30. Melissa posted on February 28, 2014 at 9:09 pm (#)

    Dorothy, I had to go back and read the post from August. Both of these are beautiful and honest and so authentic. I love your authenticity and how you share your story in your recipes, your stories, your blog. And thanks for talking about the internal voice- she’s a real monster. I’ve dealt with it for years. I think most women do- maybe the voice doesn’t beat us up about fat or food but any (or many) of the issues women face- it is encouraging to know that I am not alone in battling “the voice.” Like you, I’m learning not to listen to her so much.
    Dorothy, I’ve always admired you as a food blogger, recipe developer, photographer and business woman. But I really admire you for being authentic and beautiful (you ARE)- keep making a difference.

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 6:24 am

      Thank you Melissa! Thanks so much for reading. We all have our monster, don’t we? It’s hard not to listen, but I think I’m starting to learn how not to. I so appreciate you!! xo

      Reply

  31. Ashley @ Wishes & Dishes posted on February 28, 2014 at 10:12 pm (#)

    Love this Dorothy. Meant a lot to me!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 6:19 am

      ((hugs)) to you Ashley!! xo

      Reply

  32. Karen posted on February 28, 2014 at 10:36 pm (#)

    I enjoy your blog, and how your so open and honest about food, and fears. I am a big woman, and have trouble leaving the house. Growing i was always told i was less of a person, or no one going want you because your fat. Still today I struggle with my body image.
    I belong to 2 different gyms, one just for woman. the for both sexes. I always felt as i went to the gym, were judging me, needless i did do well going.. I do like that your trainer listen to you and you bring up the food when you want to. My highest weight has been 310. Now i staying around 275. I can understand the thought of you should eat. how cold you ea all that. Those experience are real.

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 6:19 am

      It’s so sad that we feel that way – that others are judging us. I’m so sorry for your struggles Karen. Thank you for sharing them, and for reading. We can beat this! xo

      Reply

  33. Karen S. posted on February 28, 2014 at 11:13 pm (#)

    Wow! Dorothy, I know exactly how you are feeling. It was such a huge help to read how you are feeling!!! I have struggled with weight and self image most of my life. In my teens I came very close to anoxeria. I even now find that when I journel what I am eating that I regress back to my old habit of obsessing on what I eat and pretty soon I dont want to eat. I have found that I do best keeping track of exercise, movement and water consumed for the day. I dont know if it ever gets
    any easier. I have made sure to surround myself with a support group of an understanding and loving husband and friends
    that are not obsessed about their weight. I do belong to a gym. A friend and I work out at a zumba class. The time flies by and we have fun and laugh alot, before we know it we have worked out for an hour. Keep up the great job you are doing and also, again, thank you for sharing your feelings and all with the rest of us. It is inspiring and encouraging at the same time!!!!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 6:18 am

      Ohmygosh are you in my head: “when I journel what I am eating that I regress back to my old habit of obsessing on what I eat and pretty soon I dont want to eat.”

      That is SO my fear. Because it’s totally me! I’m going to give it (one more) a go and if that doesn’t work, I’ll just have to do it on my honor system.

      Thank you SO much for reading and commenting Karen!! xo

      Reply

  34. Stephanie posted on March 1, 2014 at 8:21 am (#)

    My husband and I each lost about 40 pounds using MyPlate on the Livestrong website. It’s been about three years since then, and we still use it everyday to track our food and fitness to maintain our weight. It was challenging at first, but it’s become a habit and really made us aware of how many calories are in the foods we eat. We are not necessarily “healthy” eaters, and in fact, I lost the 40 pounds without eating a single leaf of lettuce. However, I did change how I eat and in some cases what I eat. We weigh, measure, and count everything we eat now so that we know we’re getting true servings. If we’re going to a restaurant that puts its calories on-line, we check out the menu ahead of time and plan our calories accordingly. I worked out religiously three times a week for years, but I still put on weight because I was taking in more calories than I was burning. Now I wear a heart rate monitor when I work out and track how many calories I burn. I love to bake, and my husband and I both love sweets. We don’t deprive ourselves. We do, however, eat in moderation now and watch serving sizes. When people bring doughnuts into work, I might only eat a half (or sometimes a quarter), but I find that I don’t miss eating the entire thing. What we did wouldn’t necessarily work for everyone, but it worked for us.

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 5:12 pm

      Thank you so much Stephanie! That’s such a huge accomplishment for you and your husband. Congrats! And I love all those suggestions, I’m totally going to look into the app and a monitor of some sort. I like the idea of not depriving myself, but allowing myself just a bite or two. Thank you for reading!!

      Reply

  35. Heather @ The Soulful Spoon posted on March 1, 2014 at 9:02 am (#)

    YOU CAN DO THIS!! We are pulling for you and you probably said exactly what so many of us fear. This is exactly how my disorder began at age 11, and it’s something I STILL struggle with. Being aware is how the healing begins. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU CAN DO THIS!! :)

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      Thank you so much Heather!! I know I can. I’m pretty sure of that (which is more than I can say of a year ago!) xoxo

      Reply

  36. Sandi posted on March 1, 2014 at 9:59 am (#)

    I didn’t read all the comments to know if My Fitness Pal was suggested or not. It is amazingly easy. You can scan bar codes, create recipes, make meals and many other things. I suck at logging food and I actually do this.

    I’m excited for you and the progress you’ve made!!! The only way I’ve been able to silence the evil voices in my head is to replace them with happy positive voices. Some how I stumbled upon women who’ve overcome all the negative garbage women go through and get positive uplifting emails from their blogs. I also find encouragement on Pinterest and tumbler, which I Pin or write in my journal or as notes on my iPad. I basically retrain my brain. Some days I’ll write ” Change my mind. Change my body” ten times to get my head refocused. I’ve also had to write ” Discomfort is not bad. Discomfort brings change. Change is good.” and anything else I need to hear TODAY.

    You and I have to be our biggest cheerleader. Let this be your guide…If you won’t say it to your precious daughter, do not say it to yourself. It goes back to the old saying, ” If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything.”

    Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it worth it? Are you worth it? ABSOLUTELY!

    You are amazing and brave and beautiful, Dorothy!!

    Much Love,
    Sandi

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 5:09 pm

      Thank you Sandi! I love your mantra – we do need to practice what we preach (if you can’t say something nice…). That’s great advice. I will have to check out My Fitness Pal for sure. Thank you so much!

      Reply

  37. Kindra S. posted on March 1, 2014 at 1:03 pm (#)

    So my situation in all this recently changed as I found out I am pregnant. However, I do want to eat healthy for my growing baby. So sometimes I trick myself. If I want chocolate, I add cocoa powder to yogurt. I dip fruit in it. It is delicious, healthy and isn’t full of calories. I also found I crave salty things, like onion dip and chips. So I bought onion dip but dip carrots instead of chips. Still oniony and crunchy but better for me. I do allow myself dessert but one serving. Also sometimes I really am not hungry, but want to much on stuff. I grab vegetables or cheese and crackers or fruit. I also have been drinking lots of water or tea. I have to eat more to feed the growing baby. I try to fill up on healthy stuff and not have 5 cupcakes for dessert. It’s hard but worth it. I like to make a lot of my own food, and cut out lots of preservatives and chemicals.

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 5:08 pm

      Those are all such great suggestions Kindra! I am so trying that cooca in yogurt trick!! Thank you so much for reading, and congratulations on the baby!!

      Reply

  38. Jackie posted on March 1, 2014 at 1:41 pm (#)

    I always enjoy your posts Dorothy, you’re such a great writer….but these transparent ones are my favorite. :o) I’m so proud of the progress you’ve made, I admire it!

    Hugs!

    Reply

  39. Julianne @ Beyond Frosting posted on March 1, 2014 at 2:03 pm (#)

    I am so glad that you came back to do a check up since your last post. I think the hardest part of body image and weight loss is checking your mentality. It doesn’t matter how much weight I have loss (even though I am incredibly proud), I still can’t enjoy where I am not because I gained back 10-15 pounds. I have to continue to think of this as a lifestyle change, not a permanent diet. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said talked about celebrating your accomplishment in gaining strength and how that has changed your body- with you toned butt and arms. When I completed a round of insanity, I was so happy with my new found shapes in my body, but I still had a gut that hung over my jeans and I wasn’t excited about that at all. I still couldn’t wear this slim t-shirts that are built for twigs. Keep working at it Dorothy! It sounds like you have gotten past the hardest part, which is starting and sticking with it. XO

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 5:06 pm

      Thank you Julianne! You are amazing. ((hugs)) We can get through all this mental crap, I’m sure we can! xo

      Reply

  40. Cathy posted on March 1, 2014 at 4:12 pm (#)

    May I suggest that you weigh once a week and set a goal of one pound at a time? You will be motivated to change the numbers when you are watching them go down!!

    I’ve lost 100 lbs …..110…down from 210.

    Hang in there……you’ll make it!!!…

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 5:03 pm

      Thanks Cathy! I’m still at the point where I can’t weigh myself (it’s a major trigger) so I’m going how my clothes feel. I’m not really worried about weight actually, because in reality, I’ve gained a lot of muscle, which ads the pounds on the scale. But once I get to the point where I can weigh myself without wanting to hate on myself, I’ll totally make that sort of goal!

      Reply

  41. Amy @Very Culinary posted on March 1, 2014 at 5:24 pm (#)

    Oh! I do that! Instead of enjoying my lovely legs, I obsesses about my tummy and how NOT flat it is. Or instead of loving my tight butt, I wish my torso was longer. We’re so ridiculous. GAH. I’ve run my whole life, but I have absolutely plateaued and the fact is, I’m not willing to give up the sugar. I’m am unbearable to live with if I don’t have my sugar… and now, at 44 (EEP!), my metabolism is in the shitter. Sooooo, I really need to strength train. You finding a great trainer is like me finding a hair stylist or understands curly hair. Life changing!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 6:12 pm

      LOL, I love that comparison Amy! And ugh. Metabolism. #dontgetmestarted Also? Life without dessert is just not a happy life. Spoken like a true dessert blogger!! xo

      Reply

  42. Holly Waterfall posted on March 1, 2014 at 5:59 pm (#)

    Dorothy – I am so proud of your strength and your bravery. It takes a lot of courage to begin sharing such personal stories and journeys like you have, but over time, as you begin to see all the people you are touching, inspiring, and helping, it starts becoming something you enjoy doing! I hope you continue to share your journey with your readers. I can see as I read through the comments that you are really helping so many people.
    Isn’t that so difficult to really just look at our bodies, think a specific body part looks good and just focus on that rather than move on to something else you’re not quite happy with? I do that so often, and I don’t think I realized I did that until just now reading your post. I have MUCH better body love than I ever have before, but I still sometimes think that I have to be 100% satisfied with my ENTIRE body in order to be completely happy. It’s like I can’t just pick and choose my arms and stomach. They have to look good, plus my legs and butt… and THEN i’ll be good. It is always a work in progress, and I feel that as long as we are working towards a better relationship with our body, food, weight, and working out, we are on the right track.
    You are absolutely rocking it, and I am excited to continue to watch your journey unfold. You are very inspiring to me, and I gain so much strength just from reading your posts!
    xo Holly

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 1st, 2014 at 6:11 pm

      Thank you Holly. YOU are an inspiration to me. I thank you so much for helping me have the courage to write these posts. xoxo

      Reply

  43. Renee @ Two in the Kitchen posted on March 1, 2014 at 7:39 pm (#)

    A very inspirational post Dorothy. I so admire your fortitude in speaking up about the issues that we really all face as women but don’t often like to confront. After having three kids I struggled with my own weight issues and also began seeing a trainer 2 years ago. I made so much progress and then decided to take a break from the program for a few months, which of course coincided with me starting a food blog. Big mistake!! In the past four months I’ve had my blog, I’ve gained about 10 pounds!! So I am completely impressed that you managed to write an entire cookbook without gaining a pound! You should pat yourself on the back girl! :)

    Reply

  44. Lauren @ Jesus and a Side of Peanut Butter posted on March 2, 2014 at 1:32 am (#)

    Dorothy– I’m scrolling through all of these wonderful narratives of comments which I know are all encouraging and I love it. I love the fact that you are bold enough to share with so many of us your ups and downs. But as I’m reading this post, the ups really do preside over everything else. I know that you’re still in a time of transition and battle, but you have the strength to overcome it. You know what needs to be done to break through that wall, and you know how far you have come/how awesome you are. The hardest part is over. Now, it’s just a matter of time and a little bit of work before you defeat that voice. And guess what? You are a million times stronger than it.

    I just really wanted to share this video with you because it’s one of the most inspiring videos I’ve ever seen, and I honestly believe it can (and has) changed women’s lives everywhere. It’s not on weight loss, but really hits at the core of self acceptance, which I know is the center of all the challenges we face. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdHGKVFfSwE

    xoxo

    Reply

  45. Andrea posted on March 2, 2014 at 5:38 am (#)

    Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel is an absolute must-read for anyone struggling with these issues. I don’t hesitate to say it Changed my life and the way I will forever relate to food. Right now you might feel like you’ll never be free from the endless cycle of being both terrified of and obsessed with food but it is possible to get free and live life and be healthy and love yourself and eat cupcakes and not feel one single ounce of guilt. Thanks for your post! You can do this.

    Reply

  46. Francesca posted on March 2, 2014 at 6:18 am (#)

    Dorothy I comment on your last post, about your weight, and you were kind enough to reply. As were lots of your lovely followers. I told you about my eating disorder and daily struggles. You were so kind and so caring. Yet again you have shared your feelings, honesty, and thoughts: you are so brave, so inpirational and such a lovely, strong lady. You deserve nothing but happiness xxx

    Reply

  47. Lisa @ Wine & Glue posted on March 3, 2014 at 6:29 am (#)

    So I’ve been thinking about this post a lot since I’ve read it. You are so strong Dorothy! I am so proud of you! I remember reading your last post and wanting to give you a hug because I was so worried that you were being so hard on yourself, as a person battling weight issues, as a mom . . . etc. But now I just want to CHEER with you! You have jumped some really serious hurdles in the last six months!!

    Since you asked . . . I struggle with weight too, but feel lucky that when I really put my mind to it, I can drop weight without battling all the voices in my head. The two biggest things that help me (when I’m not pregnant) are counting calories (I use My Fitness Pal on my phone, and LOVE it!!) and I drink TONS of water. Being pregnant, I for sure can’t count calories without feeling like a psycho horrible mom. But I am still struggling with the gaining of the weight! Hello, getting weighed every four weeks and having that number analyzed is pretty much awful. So I’ve been working really hard like you to limit my desserts. It’s okay to have one treat, I probably shouldn’t have eight. And I’ve been trying to drink 60 oz of water a day. I keep a 12 oz glass next to the sink and just pound a glass of water at a time and keep track in my day planner. That has helped the most, and honestly I feel so much better when I’m super hydrated.

    Okay, super long winded comment. Love you Dorothy. You are so strong and I have no doubt that you will jump this hurdle with as much grace and strength as you jumped the last major one!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 4th, 2014 at 6:24 pm

      Thank you Lisa! You’re so sweet. I totally am so thankful I have you in my life!!!!

      60oz? You’re my hero. I need to drink more. I’m trying, especially this week. I guess drinking egg whites for protein can mess with you’re, um, er, system if you don’t drink enough water. !!! I’m still not getting enough, it’s so hard! :)

      You totally rock my friend. xoxo

      Reply

  48. Suzanne posted on March 5, 2014 at 8:16 am (#)

    I love this post! Thank you for sharing your personal journey, fears, anxieties, and victories. It inspires me! I’m battling the same type of mentality so in a way, it’s good to know I’m not alone in this craziness. I’m 7-1/2 months pregnant with my fourth child, so I’m not focusing too much on food and the weight and everything (Well I am, but am trying not to). But, after this kid is born I want to change things. I want to get back to the healthy me that feels good and strong inside. I’ve used Weight Watchers in the past with great success (after my first child was born). But then tried it again after my last two kids. But, it just wasn’t a good fit for me then. I honestly love myfitnesspal! It’s free, so simple to use, and so easy to see what I’ve eaten for the day, how much I’ve had to drink, how many more calories I have left for the day, my exercise, and the progress I’ve made. I really do love it and plan to use it again in a few months. Thanks again for letting us all know you’re a real person with struggles like the rest of us!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 6th, 2014 at 6:39 pm

      Thank you Suzanne, for sharing your story! I need to check out that app, so many good things about it! The drinking is one of the hardest parts, I do not get enough water! Thank you again!

      Reply

  49. Ceara @ Ceara's Kitchen posted on March 6, 2014 at 8:57 am (#)

    Dorothy, thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story with the world – I have so much respect for your honestly and transparency in writing about your relationship with your body, food and your weight <3 To be honest, your post almost brought me to tears because I can relate to it in so many ways. Last year, I went on a "weight-loss journey", joined weight watchers, and lost over 60 pounds through changing the way I think about food and exercise. My body image, my relationship with food and my internal self talk is still a journey that I struggle with everyday [some days are much easier than others]. I love when you wrote "I AM strong. I can say that now. I can believe it. I can do things I never thought I could do." because whenever I am feeling a negative thought coming along about my body or my relationship with food I internalize those similar words about how far I have come along since the day I decided to change into a healthier lifestyle altogether and work on feeling better about myself. Until this point, even though I have technically reached my "goal weight" my journey with my body image and food is definitively just beginning. There are so many more things I could say but I will leave it at: you are an inspiration and thank you again for sharing your story! Sending lots of love and positivity your way. :)

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 6th, 2014 at 6:26 pm

      Thank you Ceara, and thank you for sharing your story! Congratulations on coming this far! And we can make it the rest of the way. :) ((hugs))

      Reply

  50. Becka posted on March 6, 2014 at 6:00 pm (#)

    I loved both of your weight posts! i have been on the crazy roller coaster called “self hatred” with my body ever since i was 9 years old. I was anorexic for 2 years, stopped, gained weight (normal weight gain!) and thought that i was worthless. Followed by that, i entered into these events called “fitness competitions”. These are competitions judged off of women (and men) working for months with weight training, diet, and cardio. Through this process, i’ve logged foods, taken progress pictures, but nothing compares to being able to say to yourself “Hey..YOU did it! imagine if you had quit when you thought your butt looked huge, or you thought your face was too fat. You wouldnt be here.” We all pick our bodies apart and verbally abuse ourselves. It’s terrible, yet we do it. Finding a balance will be a struggle for me, but like you, i’m very determined to shut up that doubting voice inside my head! :)

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 6th, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      Thank you Becka for sharing your story! Finding a balance is so very hard and it changes every day depending on mood, hormones, life… We CAN do this! ((hugs))

      Reply

  51. Kelly posted on March 7, 2014 at 1:42 am (#)

    Thank you so much for being so candid. I admire you so much for posting your struggles and being so honest. Your story is so inspiring and will help so many people. I am so glad you found a new trainer you like, he sounds really amazing! I love your blog and I will be pulling for you and sending you lots of good thoughts and positive vibes. Keep staying strong and you are truly amazing for sharing your story Dorothy!

    Reply

  52. Mir posted on March 9, 2014 at 10:15 am (#)

    Dorothy,
    I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I’ve always been full of admiration for your work. But because of this post, I admire you as a person.
    Last year, the book Almost Anorexic saved me at a time when I felt hopeless. I think a lot of us struggle with these issues, and you were so brave to come out and write about your own experiences so honestly. I have daughters too, and I constantly think about how to make sure they grow up healthy with positive body images.
    It’s a struggle, but women are strong. Let’s keep fighting the good fight, tap into our creativity, and cherish what we have. And thank you again for writing this post. It meant a lot to me.
    Mir

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 9th, 2014 at 7:37 pm

      Thank you Mir! That book was amazing, and it totally caused me to flip a switch in my head. Thank you so much for reading, for sharing, and for your kind words! ((hugs))

      Reply

  53. Renee @ Awesome on $20 posted on March 15, 2014 at 12:28 pm (#)

    I’m sorry it took me so long to read this, but I just wanted to say that you should definitely be proud of yourself. It’s never easy to share our fears, but it’s so important. I really admire your resolve when it comes to working out. It’s so good that you found a way to be happy with it. Why do we do things that make us miserable? Beauty is happiness. Everything else falls away. Go eat a cookie! :)

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on March 16th, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      Thank you Renee! ((hugs))

      Reply

  54. Ashley Urke | Domestic Fashionista posted on May 24, 2014 at 8:13 am (#)

    Hi Dorothy! I was just talking to Amy (Amy’s Healthy Baking) and we were talking about this very thing! She mentioned you had blogged about this so I had to come back and read your posts! I, too, struggle with the mental part…always talking down to myself. This past year I have finally started to make progress to retraining my mind and mouth to celebrate my body instead of constantly criticizing it. I applaud you for using this online space to share this struggle. I think we need more stories like this in the media to help change the way our society has trained women to hate their bodies.

    Anyways, Amy also mentioned you will also be at BlogHer this July. Looking forward to seeing you again there! Thank you for your words!

    Reply

    • Dorothy Kern replied on May 24th, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      I love the way you said you’re retraining your mind and mouth. That’s such a good way of saying it!! Thank you so much for reading, and let’s totally hang out in July!!

      Reply

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