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About six months ago I wrote a really long post about my issues with weight and body image. That post was so cathartic to write, and it really opened my eyes to what I was going through. The response was overwhelming – literally. So many women commented that I’d just written about their lives, shared their stories of guilt and hatred and eating disorders. I knew other women felt like I did…but I really didn’t know just how much.
To me, writing that post really was so that I could become more conscious of what I was doing to myself and, indirectly, doing to my daughter. The self-destructive internal dialogue I was using was not healthy and it is not something I want to teach her. I think that post was to give me accountability to myself. I put it out there, now could I change it?
I feel like, in the past few months, there has been a small shift in my thinking. And that’s why I figured I should write an update. I want to get my words down and out there again. To keep me accountable. To keep me working towards my eventual goal: a life without the voice. A life where I can just…live. Be me. No matter my weight!
In my post, I talked about triggers. Thinking about food, weighing myself, and actively dieting were high on that list; so was personal training. Last spring when I joined my current gym, I got a deal on training sessions. I signed up and did 11. They were horrible. I mean, they were good. He was a good trainer, but I felt so bad after those were over. I hated going. They made me want to quit going to the gym – period. I felt like he focused on food and what I ate and I left there every day more upset at myself than ever.
Over the summer, my husband started working with a different trainer. From the stories my husband told, the guy sounded great. So when it came time for Online BlogCon and the crush of work I knew would make me forget my gym routine, I decided to sign up with Mel’s trainer to keep me going to the gym (if I was paying extra – I’d go). I was really, really nervous. I didn’t want to feel triggered again, but I had a feeling it would be different – and it has been.
I said awhile ago that finding the right trainer is like finding the right therapist – you won’t always find it the first time around. From day one I told B, the trainer, that I didn’t want to talk about food. Or weight. I just wanted to work out. And he totally respected that. I’ve been working with him now for almost five months and the only time food discussions have come up are when I bring them up.
That’s the mark of a good trainer: they listen. And they hear.
B is a coach as well as a trainer, so that’s how he trains. When you’re working with him he makes you feel like a rockstar – like you can do anything. And you know what? After awhile I began to believe it. I was strong. I AM strong. I can say that now. I can believe it. I can do things I never thought I could do.
Never in my life have I ever been able to say it…and believe it at the same time.
Finding the right trainer and changing up my workouts and learning how to work out has changed me. I’ve learned that cardio is great, but strength training is better. I can do exercises I was always afraid to try on my own. I can finally believe I’m strong, and that, even though I didn’t lose a pound, I feel better about myself.
I feel better about myself. That’s something I haven’t been able to say in years.
When I started this journey of self-improvement and discovery last summer, I realized there would be different areas I needed to focus on. The first was that I needed to not worry about the food; I needed to realize that I’m a strong person good enough without worrying about a number. I feel like I’ve overcome that one pretty well. Recently, I’ve hit a plateau in my healing. Believing strength can only take you so far before the doubt creeps back in.
Even though I can now say (and believe) I’m strong, I need to work on seeing it. Even though I haven’t lost much weight at all, my body has changed. I see it in my face, and I see it in my ankles. (I’ve always thought my calves and ankles were my best feature, so it follows that I notice changes there.) The other day B told me to do my triceps work looking in the mirror so I could see all the definition I now have. I laughed at him and faced the wall.
I don’t look in the mirror at the gym. I don’t like looking in the mirror, period.
Mel says that I look different…but I don’t see really see it. Whenever I look in the mirror and notice my butt looks good, it’s quickly followed with but my stomach is so big. Or I notice definition in my arms when I’m putting my hair in a pony tail, but then when I relax them all I see is tricep fat.
I need to work on looking in the mirror and seeing the changes and nothing else. I need to get to the point where I can say, “yeah my ass looks good in these pants!” and not chase it with “but I have a muffin top.”
When I read Almost Anorexia last summer, one of the things that really struck me was when it said that when people look at me, the first thing they see is not my fat. It’s not my belly rolls, or my flabby arms or my hips. They see my eyes or my smile, and they probably don’t notice anything else.
That was an eye opener for me…and a head scratcher. Like, really? They don’t see all my flaws when they look at me? How is that possible? It’s all I see about myself. So that’s something else I need to work on…seeing myself in the mirror. Really seeing myself, paying attention to detail and looking past everything else.
I’m trying to taking it one step at a time. When I put on a pair of pants I haven’t felt comfortable wearing in a long time, I’m trying to congratulate myself, instead of saying “well, this won’t last long, you ate cookies for lunch.”
Which leads me to my next, and biggest challenge I need to work on: food. I need to improve my relationship with food.
I can’t workout hard forever. I have to be okay with skipping the gym sometimes. My main issue with not working out is the mentality “I ate X so now I have to do Y.” If I don’t change the way I eat, nothing will matter in the long run, because I will gain weight. The voice will come back in full force.
I need to start looking at food as “to sustain my life” instead of just something I do without thinking.
I need to stop worrying that I’m ruining all my hard work because I take two tastes of a recipe.
Over the past three months I wrote a cookbook. It was about 8 straight weeks of 6+ hour days baking dessert. Tasting dessert. Remaking dessert. Because of all the working out, I managed to get through it all without gaining much (I don’t weigh myself often, but my clothes feel the same or a little better). That, in itself, I consider to be a small miracle. But now I’m in a much worse habit of dessert tasting. I want it all the time! Eight weeks of constant sugar will do that to you.
Right now, I feel like I’m standing in front of a wall. Beyond the wall is a long obstacle course, called food. In order to move on with my healing, I know I need to break through the wall (my insecurities about food) and go through the path ahead. The wall is my fear and anxiety about the road. Tracking what I eat, counting calories, limiting food without limiting too much, and ignoring the voice that will call me out when I “fail”.
Here’s the thing: I know I’m going to “fail” sometimes when I start watching what I eat. I’m a dessert blogger: there are days I have to taste dessert. It’s in the job description. There are going to be days I have to taste dessert three or four times.
There are going to be days I just want a cookie. And I’m going to eat one. Or, I’ll eat three.
My fear comes from the fact that when that does happen, the voice in my head will get mean.
It’ll call me F-A-T.
It’ll call me a pig.
It’ll tell me over and over and over again that I shouldn’t have eaten what I just did, and it’ll make me feel worthless and hopeless.
So I’m scared. I’m scared of breaking through the wall and going through the next challenge. Rationally, I know it’s silly to worry about it: I know there will be good days and bad days. But the fear, the anxiety, is still there.
I know I have to stop being afraid. I was afraid before I started working with B, and seriously, that’s changed my life – for the better. So this will too. Eventually.
I started writing down what I eat. I tracked what I ate for two days and the world didn’t implode. Then I forgot to track and just…stopped. I need to start focusing on it so it can become a habit, so I can keep track and remind myself: I ate dessert after lunch. I don’t need it after dinner too. Or maybe I do want it after dinner too, but that shouldn’t be a big deal once in awhile. (But it is, in my head, anyway.)
How do you deal with changing how you eat? Do you follow a special meal plan? Do you track points or keep a diary? Use any good apps? I’d love to know.
Anyway, I think I’m on the right path. Even though it’s a hard one, filled with potholes and obstacles. I feel like the rational side of me is getting stronger. Hopefully I can start listening to it more. 🙂
I think if there is one things I’ve learned over the past 5 months, it’s that I can change my body without focusing on food. I thought that I would never feel good in skinny jeans unless I stopped eating. I’d never feel sexy or think I looked pretty unless I gave up dessert.
Sure, would it be healthier to eat more healthy foods and less dessert? Yes. Would I notice more change in some of the annoying problem areas? Yes. But I’m coming to realize that food is not the defining force in changing me. I am the force. I’m working really hard at exercise, and I see results…when I allow myself to see them. I can still eat a cookie or two and change the way my body feels. I think that realization is a huge one, because I never realized that before. For me, weight has always been tied to a number. Body shape and size has always been tied to what I eat. I think that, for me to change my relationship with food, I needed to be able to see that I could affect the way I looked without thinking about food. Does that make sense?
Now I know that weight can mean strength. I have not lost more than a few pounds, but I’ve gained a lot of muscle. The number on the scale would, in the past, put me over the edge, because it meant I was F-A-T. Now, I think it makes me strong.
Food should not be what defines how I feel. I should define that.
And I think I might be starting to believe that…for today anyway.
Now that I know that food and weight/self-worth/image are not the same thing, I hope I am able to break through that wall and conquer the actual eating part.
At least…in theory, anyway. We’ll see how it’s going tomorrow. 🙂
Thank you all again for your outpouring after my last post, and for reading this one. I still go back and read the old one sometimes, to remind myself of what I was feeling to get me to this place. Where I am now is so much better than where I was then, so I know that some day, the place where I will be will be the best yet.
Eventually, I’ll get there. And if you’re battling these demons, you can do it too. We can do it together.
Thanks so much for reading. I appreciate every single one of you.
xo
Last Updated on August 18, 2022
Dorothy, thank you for sharing your heart! I know that so many women struggle with body image, food, and weight issues, but it’s rare to hear a person I admire speak of it so transparently. I share similar demons, and have for as long as I can remember. I was a chubby kid, and until about 7th grade was always one of the chubbiest in my classes. Between the feelings of shame and embarrassment in those early years and growing up watching both my parents always talking themselves down and always being on diets, I learned that it is the norm to be overly critical about my body. Even after I thinned out in the 7th grade, I have never been able to feel consistently good about my body. I, like you, fear of passing this onto my daughter if I should have one some day. I work at a bakery, which makes it even harder! I’m so hard on myself every time I mess up and eat too many scones or cheeserolls… I’m still trying to figure out how to quiet the voice, but something I just started doing is tracking what I eat on this app called “value diary.” It’s basically a rip off of weight watchers without the high monthly fee. What I like about it is that instead of tracking calories, it takes carbs, fat, protein, and fiber into consideration and comes out with a number. This feels much less obsessive to me than counting every calorie! Also, part of the “diet” is that you can eat as many fruits and veggies as you want. I love this because it isn’t emphasizing eliminating anything necessarily, just helps me to keep portion control in check and encourages me to eat way more fruits and veg than I would normally.
Anyway, thank you for sharing- it’s nice to know that this battle isn’t one we face alone!
Thank you so much for sharing your story Andrea! And thank you so much for that app suggestion. I’m totally going to check it out. Counting calories bugs me. 🙂 Thank you again!!
Most of my pants are tight right now and I know it is time to do something. I have really been inspired by these posts – knowing someone else is going through some of my same thoughts and feelings. I hope they continue. I am very happy you found a good trainer.
Thanks Emily! I feel you. Don’t obsess about food first. Change up your workout a little. Once you notice a difference in how you feel (hopefully) food will get easier (in theory, anyway). ((hugs))
This is an awesome post, Dorothy! I think it’s awesome that you found a trainer who works with you and makes you feel like the rockstar that you ToTALLY are. It is definitely hard to be a food blogger & battle with weight & image issues. I hope you’re able to continue to grow emotionally & physically as you travel through this experience.
For me, my FitBit has been amazing. I got it at Christmas & have lost 14 pounds. Before I got it, I didn’t track my food or exercise or anything…but now it’s part of my daily routine. The fact that the Fitbit keeps track of all my steps for me is really helpful, and it calculates how many calories I can have each day based on my activity level. That way I know–if it’s date night & I don’t go to the gym, I probably need to have a nice salad for dinner, whereas if I get to go to the gym, I can look at my app and see “Sweet! I have [600] calories left for dinner!” and I can splurge a little more. Also, the communities on the FitBit site are really nice; there’s a local community for my town, and we do personal challenges each month (like, “as a group, let’s take 5 million steps this month!”) so you get the feeling of being part of a team. It also shows you steps for other friends who have FitBits, and I love the friendly competition that arises from that. Two of my coworkers also have them and we check in on each other throughout the day with little notes like, “I’m at 4,260; where are you?”
Can’t wait to see the cookbook!!!
Thank you so much!! I need to get in that mindset more, with the food. I’m going to check out the FitBit! Mel was using an armband for awhile and really liked it. It may be a good thing for me too. 🙂
If you decide to get one, drop me a note over at my blog and maybe we can be FitBit pals! 😀
Before reading this, I had to go back to read your previous post. Thank you for being so honest and raw. I had many of the same feelings towards myself, and had similar experience reaching puberty, and thinking that I was so fat and unworthy as a teen. I felt that way for a long time. It wasn’t really until mid last year (I’m 31 now) that I was able to think more positively about myself. A simple concept that made all the difference. A combination of better eating/more active lifestyle coupled with positive body image personalities (Georgina Horne, Tess Munster, and @honorcurves on Instagram), I started feeling better about it all. It was like an epiphany one day. My fitness journey began with me wanting to spend more time with a friend–she suggested I go with her to gym so we could work out together. Although not long after she was unable to go, I still went on my. I started changing my eating habits (very simple at first–prepare mostly all my meals, cut back on soda and and other junk food items). I still have a long ways to go to where I want to be, but I’m no longer where I was. I’m not much lighter, but I feel so much better and stronger, and I love my body with all its squishy glory. This hasn’t been the first time I tried getting in shape, I’ve tried many other times, but I was unsuccessful because I was working out to be thin, not to be healthy. I also had the “all or nothing” mentality towards it. Thankfully I know better now. Eating one junky meal or skipping one workout isn’t going to undo all the good I’ve done. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I wish you the best!
“working out to be thin, not to be healthy” That’s TOTALLY it. In the past every time I tried to “fix” myself, it was because I wanted skinny (which is something, honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be – the version of “skinny” I envision). So changing my thinking about myself, getting stronger, that makes me a healthy person, even if I’m squishy. 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing your story!!
Oh wow, such a wonderful post 🙂 Thank you for sharing. I love your blog, even though I’m vegan! your recipes inspire me to create vegan versions! weight can be such a strange demon, I think most people have a little demon voice in their head that comments every time they eat a second helping of cake, I know I have in the past! But now I find a great deal of peace in telling that demon to shut the sod up, cake is wonderful, and I know it’s a cliche but we get one go round on this beautiful planet and we’re lucky enough to be alive when cake and ice cream have been invented! 🙂 I find as long as I’m happy, things like diet and exercise seem to fall into place. I think you’re right, finding the exercise that suits you is important because once you enjoy it it’s gravy all the way 🙂 Thanks again for this post and when is your cookbook out?! x
http://www.strawberriesandsquiggles.blogspot.co.uk
Exactly my point: what is the point of living this life if you deprive yourself of wonderful things?? And happiness does play into it a lot – the more stressed I am, the meaner I am to myself. Thank you so much!!
(I’m told October for the book. I’ll believe it when I see it, LOL!)
You are an inspiration, Dorothy, just for being so honest, and for trying to be a good example for Jordan. I always say I could never be a full time dessert blogger, because when I do experiment with desserts, I just want to EAT THEM ALL. I have no willpower whatsoever, and I also don’t always want to give them away – I worked so hard, spent my money, I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor! So I give you ladies so much credit for being able to taste test, and give it away or “just say no”. And it is so easy to get sucked in to sitting at the computer or being in the kitchen or taking photos instead of getting in that exercise. I appreciate when you and Ashton and Karyn and others talk about the “occupational hazards”, because then I don’t feel alone! My weight is honestly not a major issue, but with a history of heart disease in my family, and two little boys, I need to be healthy and have energy!
Ha, Just say no is NOT in my vocabulary, which is why I have to give it away! I swear the IRS should let me write off training, or at least my gym membership. Totally a business expense! 🙂 Thanks so much for reading Brianne!
Hey Dorothy! Thanks for sharing! I have struggled with weight ALL my life and it really doesn’t help that I have a baking blog and LOVE to bake. I literally have to give away all the food that I put on my blog. I can’t have it around in the house. This past year, I had a goal to lose 40lbs by my 40th birthday (November) and I met my goal, which has completely flabbergasted me! I still have a feeling of accomplishment and I am still making small goals for myself as I still have more weight to lose. What has helped me the most is myfitnesspal app and walking everyday. And what an accomplishment for you to 1: write a cookbook and 2: maintain your weight during that time. Very awesome and I can’t wait for the book!!
Thank you so much Shannon! Congratulations – that is a huge accomplishment. I hope to be inspired by it. 🙂 And I’m going to check out myfitnesspal for sure!
Dorothy!! I love this post. I totally understand what it’s like to finally be able to say that you feel good about yourself. All of my life I’ve been on the heavy end of the scale because I guess I just have a crazy amount of muscle mass underneath my cushion of er..let’s say insulation. I weighed at least 20 lbs heavier than all of my friends, could never get a good coat or any sort of fashionable boots because my shoulders were too broad or calves too big thanks to a combo of muscle and fat.
It’s been a goal of mine to start to accept my body, accept myself, and not feel guilty for wanting to improve with good food choices and choices that will make me happy (my saturday posts this year haha). Thank you for sharing your story about your struggles, your vulnerabilities, and in turn, showing us your strength.
You rock.
Revel in your strength.
~L
Thank you Lisa!! That whole “bigger than the friends” thing is SO hard, especially for a kid. You’re an amazing person! We can accept ourselves, I know we can. Thank you for sharing your story!! ((hugs))
I think I know how you feel. Even those times in my life when I was fit and thin I never thought I was. Now that I’ve gained weight, I’m beside myself. I’m trying to lose but we”ll see.
Annamaria
Try not focusing on the food right away. Try making changes in exercise, then the food. I think that’s helped me a lot!
From my personal experience, I think that’s excellent advice! We tend to look at food as the enemy and sometimes decide we will completely give up sugar or junk food or whatever. The beautiful thing is, though, that when we exercise regularly we begin to feel so much healthier and stronger on the inside and those feelings typically lead to wiser food choices. It’s a win-win! Thank you so much for sharing. I can most certainly relate! I’ve been thin and fit almost my entire life. But for the last three years (since my pregnancy with my third child) I let it all go and I’m overweight and so uncomfortable with my body. After my fourth baby is born in a few weeks, I plan to get back into a healthy routine so I can feel like the healthy me again!
First, Dorothy, I applaud your transparency. I have always wanted to share my concerns with weight on my blog. I’ve even made video tapes I’ve never posted. I understand and relate to sometimes the fear. I write about restaurants and here’s something I’ve noticed. When I go on food press tours or am invited to press dinners at fancy restaurants, 90% of the food bloggers who LOVE LOVE LOVE food are NOT overweight. This has intrigued me. I also realize I’ve lost about 8 pounds since writing my blog and being more food enamored than ever. Reflecting back, I’ve found a way to be around food, love it, eat it and stay within a mostly normal weight range. I don’t ever measure skinny, but I’m not really overweight either. I could lose 10 pounds and not miss it. But it’s not 100 pounds. I exercise consistently my whole life and there were times I would get depressed if I missed. No longer. My body has shown me it quickly recovers and gets back. I’m relaxing into food without giving up the pleasures of fine dining and fine cooking at home. But, Dorothy, I get afraid to tell people that I still go in and out of fear (although perhaps momentarily), a weight gain can crush my day. I am no longer afraid of food. I embrace it. I am still afraid of a little extra weight, but I love that you said “food no longer defines you.” You are doing all the right things, the main right thing is how you’re working on your inside. I accidentally found you today via twitter. Glad I did. I think I’m ready to write that post.
Thank you Angela! It took me so long to hit publish on that first one, and today I had to just GO without thinking. I figure, if my story helps someone, it’s good. And your story will help someone too. I only wish I could be around food and not devour all of it! That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment. Thanks for reading!!
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