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**Note: I wrote this post several weeks ago and have been too afraid to share it. I’ve been struggling with this a lot over the past month or two, and didn’t have the courage to open up. But the other day, I saw a segment about this book and I almost started to cry. It was fitting that I was at the gym at the time, telling myself to work harder because of what I ate the night before. I immediately went home and bought the book and as I’m reading it it’s really hitting home for me. So that is what gave me the courage to finally share this.**

No recipe, today…no, this is another type of post. It’s a story that I’ve been wanting to tell, but I just didn’t know how, or when, and I didn’t have the courage. I’m not sure what my goal is here, except to be therapeutic maybe? It’s a little long, so I understand if you want to come back another day, when there’s sugar. But if you stick with me, thanks. 🙂

A few weeks ago I bought Jordan a dance uniform that the local HS cheer dancers wear. They had a clearance sale, so I got a shell and a skirt for $10. She was brimming with excitement to try it on. They’re size small, but meant to be small – tight – and are stretchy to accommodate. It’s a dance uniform, after all.

Her eyes were shining as she tried it on. She was so excited! And then I noticed her sucking in her stomach in the mirror. I asked her what she was doing. And she told me she was fat, so she needed to suck it in.

In that moment, my world and my heart shattered into a million little pieces.

Because she was only doing something that I do, every. single. day. I have sucking in my stomach down to an art form. Don’t we all?

Sure, society has given her influence. She watches TV, sees magazines. She is most certainly not fat, but she is a different body type than most of her friends. She’s cursed with my genes and my husband’s: stocky and built. Not fat – solid. Big boned. Prone to weight in the tummy. Her friends are all…not that way. She’s bigger than most of her friends – by design, not by fat.

As hard as I have tried to shield Jordan from my body image issues, I’ve failed. F-A-T. It’s a dirty word and I’ve said it, a million times.

I do not have a good relationship with body image. I always say I don’t have a good relationship with food, but that’s not the case. It’s body image, the way I feel that I look and the way I feel about myself. Body image and self-esteem are BFFs, in a way. Without a good body image, your self-esteem takes a pretty good hit. I’ve always had problems with both: I’m too fat, I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough wife/mom/friend/blogger. This has roots that go way back, to where, I have no idea.

I first realized I was overweight when I was 10 years old. I had been blissfully going along, not noticing that the pre-puberty weight was actually chunk, until one day in the fifth grade. Someone was videotaping PE class. I was wearing a turquoise sweatsuit, one that was so popular in the 80s: pullover sweater and sweat pants in a bright solid color.

My world changed when we watched the video. All of a sudden I realized what everyone else could probably see. I was fat. Big. Blubber, as I was always called. The mean boys (and girls) were right!

After a few awkward years and a puberty growth spurt where weight distributed itself (ahem), I was down to a regular, normal non-chunky me. But I was still bigger than all my friends. I had passed the 100 mark. (I still remember that day too, like it was yesterday.)

In high school, teen angst, depression, and friend drama made my body image even worse. It was at that point that FAT became a regular member of my vocabulary. It’s also when I started hearing the voice in my head, the one that told me I was fat. Ugly. Not good enough. I wanted to stop eating. I wanted to be thin. I wanted to be in control of what I ate. But I didn’t stop eating. I watched the Tracey Gold saga play out in the headlines. I was obsessed with For the Love of Nancy. I wished I could be Kelly in the Peach Pit bathroom. But those people had to stop eating to do that. Who would want to stop eating?

{A future food blogger, I was.}

The voice in my head just told me that I wasn’t good enough, not controlled enough. I was a failure because I couldn’t become anorexic. I was a failure because I couldn’t purge that meal in the TGIFridays bathroom. The voice was good at telling me I was a failure at things, be it life, school, or food.

In college I was lonely. My boyfriend lived away. I didn’t make many friends. I lived at home, and my HS friends all went to the same junior college together, so they were having a HS part two. I gained a lot of weight.

The perfect storm happened one night my senior year. I had been broken up for awhile with no boyfriend prospects in sight. Then the pivotal thing in my relationship with control and food happened: I failed a test. Not just any test, one that I needed to get into a teaching program. It was a really difficult math exam, for future math teachers. I missed the cutoff by 3 points. I had never failed something so epic in my life. I had let everyone down: my parents, my teachers, myself.

That night, I stopped eating…mostly.

For a few months I lived on coffee and Excedrin. I ate dinner because I lived at home and had no choice but to eat with my parents. There would have been too many questions if I skipped dinner, so I ate it. It felt good, not just to lose the weight, but to be able to say no to something. No, I don’t want that cereal. No, I don’t want lunch. It felt good to be in control of what I wanted. Finally, I was strong enough. I dropped over 30 pounds in a month.

People noticed. I got compliments. I also finally, after so many years of coveting it, could see the triangle. You know the one: when skinny people stand upright with their legs together you can see a triangle of light through the thighs. I had one! Finally!

I remember being hungry. All. The. Time. My friends were worried about me, they urged me to eat. But I was too happy about needing a belt to wear my jeans to listen to them. I wasn’t anorexic, I didn’t have an eating disorder. I was just losing the weight I needed to lose.

I’ll never forget the day I started eating again. I went to breakfast with a couple friends, which turned out to be an intervention of sorts. They ordered me pancakes and stared at me so I’d eat. I still remember my inner conflict: eat the pancakes? Or not? I ate a bite of the pancakes. I made a decision that day, to not go all the way down the road I was headed.

That’s also the day I discovered laxatives. We don’t really need to go into that…you get the point. That went on for awhile, even into my relationship with Mel.

I made a choice to start eating again, but that certainly didn’t solve any problems. The voice in my head was still there – and strong. It’s still there today – I have never dealt with any of the issues that drove me to that point, and even though I wouldn’t ever stop eating again, I still wish I could. Every. Single. Day.

I was 5′ 4″ and 120 pounds when Mel and I started dating. I still remember pinching my tummy and calling myself fat. Now, I want to go back and slap that girl. Dude. 120 pounds? Be thankful!

Marital bliss changed my thinking. I stopped fixating, and got to a healthier me, but Mel would argue with that. F-A-T was always part of my vocabulary. I had Jordan. I gained an obscene amount of weight, but lost 50 pounds in 6 weeks because of water weight. But the 10 pounds left eluded me, and everything moved. Since I began blogging, I’ve gained a lot of weight. It’s very hard to be in this job and not, especially when you love sugar and have no willpower like I do.

I often feel like a hypocrite: I show you lots of sugar, and tell you how good it is. It is good, and I should know, because I eat it every day. But I beat myself up for every single bite. I pinch my fat and tell myself I’ll never be good. I’ll always be overweight. I refuse to weigh myself, because every number is like a stab to my heart. And when you roll your eyes at me because I say I’m fat, know that I’m not just saying it. I actually, 100%, feel it. I feel it on my stomach, in my thighs. I see it in my head. I feel it in my heart. I don’t say it for a “no, you’re not” answer. I say it because it’s my coping mechanism for how I feel about myself.

I’m not happy with the way I look, but I never have been. No matter what weight I am, I look in the mirror and I see that chubby 10 year old in her turquoise sweatsuit. And now, I’m passing down these wonderful traits to my daughter.

#momfail

I get comments all the time like, “how do you stay so thin?” and I laugh. I joke, and say “spanx” or “photoshop” but inside I’m saying, “those people are cray-cray” because they’ve never seen me naked and boy, a good black shirt can cover up anything. But I certainly don’t feel thin, not at all. I never have, and I’m not sure if I ever would – even if I lost another 30 pounds.

That episode with Jordan made me realize how unhappy I am with how feel about how I look. I mean, I always feel unhappy with how I look, but I’m realizing I need to change that. I’m not quite sure how. I don’t necessarily mean weight loss – I mean I need an attitude adjustment. I could lose 10 or 20 pounds, sure (and I should) but that’s not going to change how I feel about myself. Will losing weight change how my clothes fit? Yes. Will it make me happier? Yes, to a point. But I’m still going to feel fat. That’s what I need to change…somehow.

Here’s the thing: reading the book Almost Anorexic has made me realize something. For 15 years I told myself I didn’t have an eating disorder. That I don’t have one. I had “failed” at anorexia. I felt that if I told someone I had an eating disorder in college, or that I still suffer from symptoms, I felt that they would either (1) look at me and laugh or (2) get angry because my saying that was an insult to anorexics everywhere. But in reality? Eating disorders are a spectrum. Back in college I most definitely did suffer from an eating disorder. And guess what? I still do. Sure, I don’t starve myself. I don’t purge. But the self-belittlment I force on myself, the anger I feel when I eat, the hatred I feel for myself when I don’t work out hard enough, those are all symptoms that can fall on the eating disorder spectrum.

These feelings have been hitting me so much harder lately. Life is busy, I’m more stressed. My husband is being so successful at his weight loss. Bloggers around the internet are talking about the Food Blogger 15. Gaining weight seems to be the mark of a food blogger; it comes with the territory. I think all of this combined is making the voice in my head get louder.

Here is another thing I’m learning about myself: I’m scared. I’m scared to diet. I’m scared to cleanse, to change the way I eat. I’m scared to work with a trainer, I’m scared to try all those so-called natural gym booster supplements everyone uses. I’m scared of my scale. All of those things are triggers for me. I think I’m past the point of starving myself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. All of those things are scary for me because they trigger the voice in my head. If I start a diet and cheat, I’ve failed. If I don’t work out as hard as I should, I’ve failed. I think what reading the book has me realizing is that losing weight is not the answer. Before I can lose weight, I need to silence the voice in my head.

I think I need to start realizing that I am me. I’m not a number. I’m not a pound or a dress size. My self worth should not be tied to weight. My body is my body and at 155 pounds or at 130, I need to be appreciative of it. I need to learn to accept me. Now, if I can learn to do that, I can probably bottle it and sell it for a million dollars. Because it’s something all women want, right? To be happy in their own skin?

The difference is I want Jordan to be happy in hers. I want her to put on her sparkly skirts and wacky leggings and be herself. I don’t want F-A-T to define her. When she’s called that in school, and she already has and will again, I’m sure, I want her to be able to shrug it off and say whatever, dude, I’m wearing a sparkly t-shirt and I’m happy about it. I’m not quite sure how to get her to that point, but I’m going to give it a concerted effort.

I’m going to try and cut myself some slack. If I eat a cookie, I’m going to try not to tell myself I’m ugly.

If I have a second (or third) bite after a photo shoot, I’m going to try not to hurl hurtful words at myself because I’m a disgusting piece of fat that cannot stop at one bite.

If I skip a day at the gym, I’m going to try not to tell myself I’m worthless and a piece of lard, which usually results in eating a tray of brownies.

I’m going to try not to pinch my stomach fat. That’ll be a hard one, because I do it so often, it’s a reflex.

I’m not sure if I’m going to be successful at any of those, because right now I’m certainly not. But I’m going to try.

I’m also going to tell the 10 year old fat girl in the mirror to get the f$*! out of my head. It’s about time she found something better to do.

Instead of saying “I’m fat” I am going to try saying “I’m me.”

{Now…if only I knew how to do that, I’d be golden…}

Thank you for reading. I just feel like I had to get that off my chest, and I feel better knowing I’ve finally said everything that’s been stuck inside me for a really, really long time. I appreciate it if you made it all the way through. 🙂

I’ll be back with sugar on Sunday. And, hopefully, less guilt.

Last Updated on August 18, 2022



Dorothy Kern

Welcome to Crazy for Crust, where I share recipes that are sometimes crazy, often with a crust, and always served with a slice of life.

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317 Comments

  1. I think every woman in the world has been there. And now having a daughter, it is SO hard to watch what I say in front of her. I always think…wow…I wish I was as fat as I was when I first thought I was fat. I thought I was fat when I was wearing a size 4 in high school? It’s totally crazy town. Thanks for this post — so brave of you to share. xo

    1. Thank you Rachel. I know, I totally wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into my 15-year-old self! Thank you so much for your comment!

  2. WOW Dorothy! Thank you so much for sharing your heart, for being real, and transparent. You are very courageous to share your struggles…ones that many deal with daily. I know you have been a true inspiration here and are going to impact many lives. I was always ‘chunky’ growing up, but thankfully, had parents who never called me fat. I know you are thankful to have been made aware of how you are reflecting on your precious daughter. May you have the courage to move forward, and away from this kind of worldly thinking, that robs us of the joy of being who God made us to be. We don’t have to fit any molds…just be ‘us’! Best wishes to you Dearie on your journey toward a better you. Hugs!

  3. Dorothy – let me first begin with a BIG thank you. We’ve known each other for …22 years, we have some amazing high school memories. As you may or may not know I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life. Our junior/senior year was the thinnest I ever was…up until this point of my life. ( the image of this will haunt me later on…yet I won’t know this until 20 something years later. After I married and had 3 children I could never get rid of the pregnancy weight and end up putting on 160 lbs. In 2010 after seeing myself in what I call my “augh haaa” moment and weighing 297lbs I decide to go through with gastric bypass. On 11/29/10 the day before my 34th birthday weighing 293 lbs I went through with the procedure. While the last 2.5 years have been an uphill battle, the last 9 have been hell. Oct of 2012 I went through plastic surgery to remove the extra skin I had left from losing 143 lbs. The outpatient surgery put me in the hospital fighting for my life, this would the beginning of helll. A follow up with my primary care doctor in december 2012 is where he would diagnose me with an eating disorder…anorexia. I was in denial and contined to lose weight getting all the way down to 139lbs on my 5’5 frame, because I was still not happy and continued to see myself as FAT. My ED spiraled out of control in late May/June of 2013 where I fasted for 4 days. Only weeks before I began to show signs of bilemea as well. Rushed to the local hospital I was told that if I didn’t change and change fast I would lose the battle and pay with my life as damage had already begun. In July I started a semi inpatient program for the eating disorder, lasting only 4 days as I could not cut it, checked myself out. I struggle every week, every day, every hour. While I have tried to hide it from the kids, they are 15, 12 and 10 and my daughter Emma has now begun to think she is fat. At 10 she is still in a booster seat because she is small for her age. At what point did that enter her mind? I must undue the damage that she thinks she is fat. I’m determined to not let my eating disorder dictate the path my life will have, but how I recover from it.

    1. Sena, thank you for sharing your story. This brings me to tears. It’s not to late for Emma, just like it’s not for Jordan. We CAN break the cycle. ((hugs))

  4. I am so right there with you. You basically took what I feel and put it down in writing. I used to think that if I lost weight, then everything would be ok, but I have come to realize ( at 57 years old-took a looooong time) that the weight is only a manifestation of how I feel about myself. It’s an endless circle for me and I don’t know if I will ever come to terms with it. I don’t remember ever feeling good about myself in any way, shape or form and only hope that I haven’t passed too much of it onto my now grown daughters.
    Food , for me, is my only friend ( or enemy) and most days it is what consoles me and takes me to a place where I don’t have to think about all the things I can’t stand about myself.
    I think by just expressing what you have been through, you are on the right track. I applaud you and wish you the best!

    1. Thank you for sharing your story Yael. It’s such a hard way to live – and until I started reading this book, I never realized I could live any differently. Some things that are in the book are really eye opening. I hope that you can find some peace, because really it’s no way to live! Thank you for your comment! ((hugs))

  5. You’re so brave for getting this out there. Honestly, reading your words was like looking into my own head. I’m tall & my family are big boned. I was the fat kid at school who got bullied and turned to food even more even though it was making me fatter. I was a failure, so many times I started a diet and failed, I just had no willpower. Then one day something changed & I’m still not sure what, but I decided that enough was enough. I found the willpower to say no to that cookie and that takeout. Long story short, I starved myself. I lived off of milkshakes and 1 small meal a day. At the time I knew it wasn’t healthy, but all I could think and see was the fact I was losing weight. I lost over 100lbs and became underweight. But still I felt I was too fat. Meeting my boyfriend definitely saved me. He supported me and still does to this day. I started eating a little more and I’m more stable now. But when I look in the mirror I still see fat. When I look at my thighs or my stomach I still see fat. Everyone is like “you’re absolutely tiny” but I don’t see it. Food blogging has become therapy for me. I used to not cook at all, but I realised if I cooked dinner and knee what went into it then it was another form of control over my body/weight. I am anorexic, I had to admit this to myself last year and since I have I’ve got a lot better. Since I started my blog and opened up about my ED I have got better. I still berate myself if I eat a cookie and if I take a bite after shooting a recipe… I run for 40 mins a day and if I don’t I beat myself up about it. I used to weigh myself every day, but I’ve managed not to for 2 weeks and am trying so, so hard to eat more normally. It’s a constant battle, every single day I have horrible thoughts which almost send me spiralling back to where I was, but overall I am better. Blogging has helped, but it’s a double edged knife I completely understand where you’re coming from. Posting, making and shooting sweet stuff is so hard when you struggle with food. I hope one day I’ll be more normal around food, but I doubt I’ll ever be completely happy and normal. I’ll always think negatively of myself and want to control food. I just wanted to say that I understand and I know how difficult it is. You’re not alone and I hope so much that you continue to take positive steps like not pinching your tummy etc. I think opening up is a good sign of recovery, for me it was the first and I’ve felt so much better and more positive since. If you ever want to talk about it then feel free to email me. I know I’m a complete stranger, but I feel like there isn’t enough support for people with ED’s. The media is constantly on about how thin we should be and it has such a negative effect on kids. Young children should be enjoying themselves not thinking they look fat or need to diet, it’s awful and I wish it would stop 🙁 so much is societies fault for trying to make us all conform and be perfect and skinny. Thank you for posting this and sorry this is such a long comment! Sending hugs, Annie Xx

    1. Annie, thank you for sharing your story. You don’t have to always think negatively about yourself. I hope not anyway. In the book I’m reading, Almost Anorexic, it talks about people who aren’t like that. There is a WHOLE world out there that is NOT obsessed with body image. I hope we can both live in that world some day. Let’s work on it together. ((Hugs))

  6. I ama lurker on your site but knew I finally needed to comment when I read your post..first of all..a big giant hug for you. I know how hard it is to write a post like this because I did the same thing back in Decemeber. I am 38 years old and weighed over 300 pounds for most of my life. I ate to cover myself up..to appear bigger so that I wouldnt be a victim anymore. It took alot of time to reach the point of where Im at now. It took many times of standing in the kitchen with a mouthful of food and crying because I didnt want to binge eat anymore but it was all I had. I would spit the food out and cry some more. I was feeding a 5 year old who didnt have a voice and a 14 year old who had enough and was fighting back anyway she knew how.

    It takes so much effort on our part to work through why we eat or why we don’t and why we see ourselves the way we do. I have cried until I thought there was nothing left..and then cried some more. I have always known why I ate so letting it all go was step 1 for me. The other step was that I was NOT going to diet. I was not going to cut out one single thing from my eating…that of course ment I needed to change how I viewed food..not as a weapon but something that needed to be enjoyed in a calm way. It took me two years but I lost 140 pounds..I now weigh in at 152 and I am a blogger aswell and know all about watching waht you eat so that you don’t gain weight. All I can say is don’t feel like you need to post something in order for people to keep coming back. If you need to make something different for a few weeks, then do that.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel..there really is. I eat everything now and feel more free now than when I was binge eating and just stuffing myself sick every single day. I found an exercise that worked for me..walking! I have always loved to walk so I bought the Walk Away the Pounds tapes and did them inside my house. I walked and jogged 5 miles a day,6 days a week..for 2 years. I switched between the 2 miles,4 miles and then miles. It didnt matter wat was going on outside because I could do everything inside without anyone looking at me. Soimetimes talking to someone else can work wonders aswell.

    It’s hard sometimes to put ourselves first and figure somethings out so that we can move forward in a positive way. All I can say is that you are worth all of the hard work that goes into making you the best person you can be. You are worth it all so don’t ever forget that…and don’t ever give up on the fact that it can and will get better. It’s hard sometimes and I got scared when I had to leave my binge eating behind. It was the one constant in my life. I’m free now and it’s amazing.

    Dont ever give up.

    1. Thank you Sonya. This comment made me choke up a little. Crying while you’re eating, even when you’re not hungry. That’s me. I am going to work hard to let it all go, and then to change my relationship with food. I have been afraid of dieting for so long, and now I think I know why, because it’s a trigger. I’m afraid to fail. Thank you so much for your advice and comment, and for your story. I won’t give up! ((hugs))

  7. Oh Honey, I know exactly how you feel. been there done that. and still doing it..friday the 23 august was my birthday, my sister got me an outfit, and guess what didnt fit, and it was a huge one. talk about wanting to cry. went back to the outlet with her to find me something,and in the dressing room about to break down crying…needless to say left there with nothing…I have been on a weight see saw all my life, born and raised in California so alot of pressure, then my daughters and yes i know exactly what u was saying about them getting teased. broke my heart..i was very small when i moved back here to NC.to take care of my mom almost 3 years ago and i am huge now. but even when i was tiny i still saw a fat girl..i know what you are saying..im not a blogger but i do test the food of the bloggers,here at home.LOL..much love, just know you are not alone…and Thank you .

    1. Thank you for sharing your story Tami. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone, and you aren’t either! ((hugs))

  8. Thank you for writing this. I worry about this with my daughter too. She’s only a baby, but I want her to grow up feeling good, healthy, and strong. She needs to see that from me too. I think we could all be a little easier on ourselves.

  9. Dorthy, I can totally relate to all of this and appreciate you bringing up, very brave. Keep up being a wonderful person with lots of talents.